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Question
Posted by: Nino | 2004/02/10

Should I let him drown i debt or help out ??

I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful caring man, he treats me like a jewel loves my 5 yr old son from a previous relationship.We moved in together just after 8 months of dating.We've been together for almost 3 yrs now.And all was rosy.I have a good job,well paid etc, he's earning less than I do but that never bothered me until we moved in together. He was upfront with me he told me how much he earned before we even moved in together he was very transparent and he told me that he has a couple of debts he wants to get rid of before we get married ,we both agreed to clear our debts and start on clean slate when we get married. Boy! I never realised he was in such a financial mess.His monthly expenses for the month far exceeds his net salary and I covered the rent , food, water , petrol every month and have to deposit some extra cash in his account for debit orders .He is paying off his debts,credit cards,car,insurance,personal loans, student loans ,you name it ! and I'm also paying my debts and maintaining the household.This has resulted in a situation whereby I find myself broke- dead broke and I desperately wait for the payday. It never used to be like that,I never used to go draw money on pay day because I always had some left over from the previous month. I cancellde my savings because I could no longer afford them.He also has a daughter from a previous relationship as well, his ex girlfriend is rude and he calls him and demand money and he even threatened to take him to the maintannaince cort. I came to his rescue ,I'm also a mother and I felt for the ex who is raising his daughter.We put his daughters' monthly expenses on our budget and it's ptting a lot of strain. Believe it or not , he thanks me every now and then and he tells me that I've really helped him and if it was'nt for me he would have drowned in debt.I had a low self esteem problem when I met him and was seeing a therapist and he helped me build my esteem high by making me feel good about myself and not doubting my outer beauty and my intelligence and he revived my latent talents. I'm getting an even senior position, thanks to him he encouraged me to go for it even though I felt it was way above my league and he told me that I have what it takes and I've got the job. I was seeing a therapist when I met him regarding my low self esteem and he encouraged me to stop seeing the therapist because he believed that together we can work towards me gaining my esteem back and it's improved greatly.He puts me first in his life he even lost a couple of friends because they feel he's too stuck up. Wherever he goes he wants me to come with, he always wants us to do things together. Could he be doing all of this because of the financial gains he;s getting from this relationship? If there was no such thing as money,I'd say i'm in the greatest relationship of all times but it will take about 3 years or so for his debts to be under control,should I let him deal with his own mess or should I suffer with him.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Nino,
Let's see what our other readers have to say about this. it sounds as if he wasn't fully "transparent" about the extent of his debts, before he moved in and began to allow you to pay them for him. Who knows how genuine he is or isn't ? He could be a nice guy with absolutely zero talent for finances, or a guy dedicating himself to making you feel good, until you have paid off his debts.
What I don't hear clearly in your story, is to what extent he is really extending himself so as to work off his debts. When you go out together, who pays the evening's bills ? Has he got a second job ( even as a packer at the local supermarket, or whatever ) to get more money to pay off his debts more rapidly ?
And if after all you've already paid, it will still take a further three years to pay off all his debt, how on earth did he ever get into so much debt in the first place ? being dumb with money generally ? Extravagence ? What ?
I'd be concerned about this arrangement, which seems so hugely to his advantage, and not much for yours, except that he makes you feel good. Another man, equally nice to be with, would have insisted on staying apart until he had paid off all his debts, rather than lumbering you with them.
You thoroughly deserve your improved self-esteem, you're obviously an enoprmously kindly and generous person ; but maybe he doesn't deserve all he's getting ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sal | 2004/02/11


I agree with everyone! I used to pay for my boyfriend. Eventually I resented him and couldnt stand to be around him. You will get to that stage. Im saying this from experience! Tell him you can no longer carry the burden of paying his expences.Save the money for you and your daughter and stop being so generous!

Reply to Sal
Posted by: Sugar | 2004/02/11

Brilliant Juzlisen! I could not have said it better.
I think you should take this advice, its the most sensible and if the relationship fails miserably from his side then you know!

GOOD LUCK

Reply to Sugar
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/02/11

Good Day
I wonder everything is so rosy it almost seems too good to be true so what would have happened if you never had the money to help him out? Would things be the same if the roles were reversed - I suggest you test him and tell him that you can no longer help him financially becuase you have other financial commitments, see what his reaction is - remember there comes a testing point in your relationship where money, status and power wont mean a damn thing. If you could not help him financially where would the two of you be right now? Think hard and clear about this - if you do indeed want to marry him - it is for better or worse. I hope you make the right decisions - also you have helped him for three years - leave tho other three years to him, you cannot keep on bailing him out of his financial debt - it is not debt you created together, that would be a different story.

Reply to Juzlisen
Posted by: gasguy | 2004/02/11

this guy is leading you down the garden path. as soon as you run out off cash he is going to run... you are not helping paying his debt - he got into it he must get out of it or suffer the consequences. if you marry him he will be off signing hire purchase agreements before you wake up from the honeymoon

Reply to gasguy
Posted by: Carol | 2004/02/10


Run away as far you can .......

Reply to Carol
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/02/10

hi there

you are getting into a real mess girl....
being financially responsible should be a must for any single parent and the fact that you are suffering because of his irresponsibility is not right and unless you take charge right now it will never change

tell him to move out till he has settled all billes - ask for proof
and get your own finances back on track

unless he suffers as a result of his own mistakes he will never change - and while you are there to help out all the time he has no need to change....

believe me i had the same problem and it doesn't get better - he will not change - you have 2!

lie down the rules and stick to them
don't take his salary and sort out his mess - he has to do it himself - and eating humble pie when he has to face creditors will only do him good - if he it truely such a nice guy!

his ex should go to court and get itsorted via the law - it's not your responsibility girl -

being financially responsible says a lot about the kind of person you are...

sure we all like to go wild once in a while but if that the rule rather that the exception then he has a problem

problems are there to be solved and with professional help he can sort it out - but he has to do it not you
so many times have i seen in both my own marriage and others that one party gets them in financial problems and the other has to take control and fix it - and once things are sorted they are eager to take change again , only to make the same mistakes again - don't be fooled !

take care

nina

Reply to lady nina

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