Posted by: So Confussed | 2010/06/03

Should I leave this marriage?

I have being married for 3 years. The past 5 years have not being easy. We have had our share of problems. And through it all I stood by him. The problem was his temper(very aggresive) and his insecurities. This became so bad that he actually hit him once , because I would''nt make love to him the one night. This man has accused me of cheating , made me doubt myself and my ability to love...scared my children...scared me , into becoming someone I do not know anymore. I left him last back on my feet..and was happy...applied for a divorce...but he started" changing" ...showing me taht is is a new man , I love him , so I called off the divorce and we got back together..until resently...I have noticed the anger back...the insecurties...he lies...this man is possesed by me. He says taht he loves me , but I cant see myself growing old with this man. I love him...But love is not enough anymore. I cant go on hating him because I cant forget the pain he put me through...My boys love thier dad...But I need to do what will make us all happy. Please I need advise....What to I do??? Do I stay and give him another chance...Or do I leave...and be at peace with myself?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageDivorce support expert

So Confused, it sounds to me like you have provided a ready made answer.
It is normal to have an internal conflict when we (think) we love someone and yet we are unhappy with them.
You say you can't see yourself growing old with him, that love is not enough and that you deserve to be happy. To me, this sounds like someone who knows what she wants and has made up her mind. You still seek advice though and what I will tell you and what I trust in, is to trust in your gut feeling.
You have experienced a life with a man who gave you wonderful children, this was certainly meant to be as no children are a mistake. You have experienced a time away from him and you felt happy. You gave him another chance but the old pattern is coming know best what is right for you and your children. You deserve to be happy and only you are the architect of your destiny.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lerato | 2010/07/02

I don''t have any advice from u, as i am also in the same situation. My husband is a total control freak, i am not supposed to go anywhere without his approval. He hit me several time, and the last time he threatened to shoot in front of my daughter. I feel pity for her as this damages her mind against any male person. Sumtimes i feel that i really love this man, but at the same time i hate him. I want to be independent and free but at the same time i can''t think of losing him.

Reply to Lerato
Posted by: Connie | 2010/07/02


Reply to Connie
Posted by: Sandy | 2010/06/17

I am sorry for what you are going through. Remember love does conquer all but you have to love yourself too. Abuse is not a good thing and at the end of the day, you know how bad it is and the whole world can give you advise but only you can decide and deal with the consequences(remember the word consequences is not always linked to negativity :-)all of us have differenct experiences, some women choose to stay and will give you advise accordingly and others choose to leave and so too will help you according to their experiences. Develope self love and the answer will come. Yes when you leave him and see he is good with another wife and just living the life, you would obv feel " I should have stayed" its normal to feel like that but remember that it might not have been in your case and the abuse would have continued. Its a new direction and you must focus on your race. Who knows where the wind would blow you. Someone once told me: " rather two happy parents separate than two together fighting all the time"  Good luck!

Reply to Sandy
Posted by: Dalila | 2010/06/09

PLEASE try to make the marriage work FIRST. Only YOU know what will make you happy - but from PERSONAL experience - things arnt always greener on the other side. Stand your ground. NEVER let a man raise his hand to you! Hit him back!! Stupid ass! Anyways - EVERY body has problems. Try to work through them to the best of your ability. Some things are just not meant to be - but only you will know that. Just dont think that things are gonna get easier once he is gone. You have kids together - so he will ALWAYS be in your life. How will you feel if one day you have nothing and you see your (that time )ex with a new wife - and he HAS changed - and treats her like Gold. Then you realise you once had that and let it go.
Good Luck. You sound very confused. As long as you still love him, there is a flicker of hope!

Reply to Dalila
Posted by: anon | 2010/06/04


Please first try everything before ending your marriage.Go for counselling or see a pastor or somebody.Nobody wins from a divorce only the devil.In the mean time try to do things to make your husband feel secure even though you know you are not doing anything wrong to be treated this way.You mentioned how much you love him and i believe that love conqours all.Your husband should also WANT to change his behaviour otherwise you trying will be in vain.But there is always hope.

Reply to anon

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