Posted by: Natalie | 2010/09/01

should I forgive my hubby?

Something dreadful has happen to our wonderful mariage of 10 years. My hubby has confessed to cheating on me and i am heart broken. Its a long story but Ill try and keep it short. We married very young out of wedlock. He was 22 and I was 19. I had 5 previous sexual relationships before him but he was still a virgin.
Initially he had major issues with this fact but he eventually dealt with it (or so I thought). Recently these issues resurfaced with a vengeance and he said that it torments his soul that I have had all of him but that he has to " share"  me with the past relations. He went into a deep depression and eventually had a one night stand to, according to him rid him of these feelings. He said he felt completely horrible about it but has shaken off these bad feelings of my past and are ready to continue with our relationship. I know he loves me deeply, as I do him. What should I do? I am heart broken.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Dear Natalie,

The story that you share cannot be reduced to the question of whether to forgive him or not. There are a number of themes playing itself out in your relationship that have not been dealt with and need to be dealt with in depth.

I would suggest considering seeing a couples therapist.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: NB | 2010/09/04

Hi Natalie,
Woman is right, u should never apologise for your past as it part of your life. We all have different experiences and tough for your hubby that he chose to marry you without having any sexual partner. My advice is get counselling the both of you, find ways to deal with the situation at hand and if u feel he is sincere, then maybe forgive him if its what you want coz at the end of the day its your decision to make. My advice for any woman/man is to never tell the number of partners you had in the past coz other people can''t handle the truth which is really sad. Don''t lie to your partner but just close the subject and never discuss it again as to how many people u slept with in the past, it has nothing to do with the new relationship.

Reply to NB
Posted by: a man | 2010/09/03

I think it''s pathetic when people have issues with how many sexual partners their wives/girlfriends/husbands &  boyfriends have had before they became involved. What happened in their personal lives prior to them becoming involved has NOTHING to do with their current partner. I think he is just using it as an excuse, as it really is a non issue how many partners you had before you got married, even if you did the entire football team it has nothing to do with your husband.

Reply to a man
Posted by: Deon | 2010/09/02

Natalie, Please don`t be gullable. What you did before you met your husband has got -|- all to do with him. You was single at the time and was free to do what you wanted to do. If anyone needs to appologise it should be the little prick because he cheated on you after he married you and he is using your pastas an excuse so that he could sleep around. WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!!!!!!!

Reply to Deon
Posted by: XXX | 2010/09/02

Using your past history to now cheat on you is totally unacceptable.However,if you truly love each other,I would forgive him just this once.If he shows any further signs of " sowing his wild oats"  then dump him.

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Tommy | 2010/09/02

Woman I agree with what you say but seems like a very complicated situation. I dont think that the dude is using his wife''s past just as a ticket to cheat around. It seems like they married very young and out of wedlock (which is always a difficult situation) and now it only natural to wonder what other items on the menu might taste like and since his wife had these previous opportunities he feels cheated, in a weird way. IMO this is more a psycological issue than anything else.

Reply to Tommy
Posted by: two-stone | 2010/09/02

Nathalie and Mark - if anyone knows what they are talking about, it is " Woman"  I don''t know where she gets her wisdom, but she knows PEOPLE. Listen to her, please. Nathalie, your husband needs either to be helped professionally, or a FAT KLAP. I also " strayed"  in a previous marraige and had all the answers/reasons why, when I was found out. It is all bull. Forgive hime if you can, but condtionally i.e. he must get couselling. Good luck!

Reply to two-stone
Posted by: Woman | 2010/09/02

Mark, regardless of her age at getting married and her sexual history, her husband had ten years to deal with it (that is, either accept it or not accept it). Instead, he has chosen to spend ten years blaming her for having sex before him. That is small minded. What he''s doing is making excuses for looking at other women and cheating. And she''s had to live with this for 10 years. This is extreme.

As for your situation, one of the biggest building blocks of any relationship, is trust. Lying is wrong, and she was wrong to lie and she needs to take responsibility for that and apologise.If you feel that you cannot trust your wife, leave her.

Having sex before marriage in this day and age is totally acceptable. Everyone has baggage, and nobody is perfect. What % of her soul and heart is her sexual past really? It is small and insignificant and actually has nothing to do with you, your future together or your relationship with her.

I am sorry if I seem harsh, I write this letter with the hope that maybe, just maybe you can understand that the past cannot be changed, but how you handle the past is what influences your present and your future. See a councilor together, work it out, move away from the past, and live the beautiful, peaceful, happy life that you both deserve.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Woman | 2010/09/02

Natalie, how did his " not sowing his wild oats"  become your problem? If he wanted to sow his wild oats, he should have done that before he got married. You exchanged VOWS and he is legally and emotionally responsible for keeping those vows - to you, to the state and to whichever god you made that promise in front of.

As I said before, 10 years is a long time not to deal with something, there is and underlying problem. The number of sexual partners you have had has nothing to do with your marriage and your vows towards your husband.

So now he is going to get away with cheating because you had sex before him. How long until he does it again? How long are you going to still " pay"  for your sexual history? How many times will you forgive him for screwing around on the premise of your sexual past? 5 times? 10 times? How sure are you that he hasn''t done it before?

The difference between you and your husband that I can see here, is that when you married him, you stopped looking around, but he did not. And that is the crux of the matter.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Bozo | 2010/09/02

I''m with Woman on this one, how the hell can he use your past relationships as an excuse to cheat.

Furthermore did he confess on his own, or did you caught him out cheating.

And then the same old same, why is it almost cool if a guy has many sex partners but a lady is branded a slut after 5 or 6 partners.???

Reply to Bozo
Posted by: Natalie | 2010/09/02

Thanks for all the advice but I still feel so confused. My hubby feels that he never had a change to " sow his wild oats" . He said that he loves me dearly and that he only cheated on me in a desperate attempt to kill the pain he feels for knowing there were other people before him. He said that if he also had sexual experiences before our relationship these feelings wouldnt have bothered him. I love him very much and I know he loves me as well. I dont want a divorce. I am just trying to understand. I wish I never had those other relationships..

Reply to Natalie
Posted by: Hero | 2010/09/02

My opinion on this is that you hubby cheated, that''s the bottom line and that he is only using your past as an excuse, BUT why did he really cheated on you, that''s the real question. I think that you don''t satisfy him anymore sexually and that''s why he went and seek it elsewhere. If a man is happy at home with his wife he will NEVER cheat, regardless of someones past. So If you can honestly say that your side is clean and that after 10 years of marriage you still satisfy him in the bedroom, go ahead and divorce him.

Reply to Hero
Posted by: Tommy | 2010/09/02

This is a catch 22 if I have ever seen one. You cant blame poor Natalie for what she went through but I feel just as sorry for her husband. It must be living hell for a man to feel like that. I dont have any advice regarding this situation. I would love to hear what an expert says

Reply to Tommy
Posted by: Mark | 2010/09/02

Woman, Its difficult I can tell you that. The thing is this, she got married at th age of 19 and already had 5 previous sex partners. Now that to men is flippen bad. There are some guys that still value woman, but if a woman have a passed like than it makes a good men think, is she still a good clean woman. I dunno.

Reply to Mark
Posted by: Mark | 2010/09/02

Nats, I wish I could give you an honest answer, but I am in this kinda situation. My wife also had previous sexual relanships, I am also talking off about 5-6, but when we first start datig I ask her if she is still a virgin and she said yes she is, but I have heard from people that she is jolling with this one and that one and she sometimes was off shool for no real reason, So I guess she was with someone, but this was before we got involve and I monitor the situation so I start to getting to know her better to see if what the guys are talking about are true, but unfortnately I start to love this woman and we dated and some sh!t happened during our dating (its a long story) we are married now and I really love, but th feeling still eats me, that she was with other men and I dont know what they were doing sexulay. I understan your husband. I have told myself that I think the only way that this feeling might disappear is if I do the same or maybe sleep with her sister, which I know I can do that. Dont leave your husband, Let him have another sex parner and get over it. Actualy i dont know what you must do. It is realy hard for a men to know that his wife has been having sex with other men, especialy if it was more than one guy.

Reply to Mark
Posted by: Woman | 2010/09/02

Natalie, your husband''s low self esteem is not your fault. The fact that you had sex with other people before you knew of his existence, does not make you a slut. And your past sex life does not give him " free points"  to cheat. That he used your past as an excuse for him cheating on you is just not an acceptable excuse in my book. He''s trying to guilt trip you into accepting his bad behaviour. You do not deserve that.

So he cheated on you. That is the fact. You never cheated on him, but he used your past relationships as an excuse to cheat! That is unacceptable. Now, you have to make a decision - do you want to carry on with your marriage or do you want to end it?

If you want to end it, see a good lawyer immediately. If you want to carry on, you will have to let him know, unequivocally, that the only way you will carry on with your marriage, is if he gets professional help immediately. He needs someone to help him with his underlying issues. A well adjusted person would have moved on after a decade, jeez!

Once again, his affair is not your fault, and he cannot blame you for it. Remember that you are a strong woman. Don''t apologise for your past, don''t regret it and don''t let him get to you!

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Bo | 2010/09/02

Leave Him.

Reply to Bo

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