Posted by: mcrfan16 | 2008/12/22

should i end my life?

i cant stop thinking about dying and i think i will snap eventually.anyway here is my story.i was born to the loveliest mum in the world and an alchoholic,abusive youngest memories are of the times he shouted at my mum,he hit her,when he wiped shit in my at the time baby sister cause she pooed her nappy.i used to cry at night,scared he would kill us.we moved out when i was was tricky,i was bullied for everything,the way i looked,i acted, dad still got to see us once a forrtnight and i hated it.i started misbehaving in class for attention.anyway skip a lot.My dad came out as a transvestite.I accused him of sexually abusing me when i burst out crying in counselling when she asked has your dad abused u and i decided to do it.I regret what i did now.Anyway he was locked up,came out,went mad,died of liver damage soon after.i started having nightmares,smoking weed,i slowely started getting depressed.i left to go to another school to meet friends when we moved high school i misbehaved in first and second year,third year i skipped school and styarted taking all kind of drugs.the school stopped caring about me and i missed too much just because i had anxiety and plus i sweated too much(i still kinda do).i went to drug counselling and saw a shrink who put me on tablets but i still sorta dabbled a bit with weed and nearly died when i took coke on anti-depressants.i became recluse,all my friends (my suppoed friends who gave me drugs and got me addicted) stopped talking to me unless they wanted things.I was alone.My depression was (and still is) extremely bad and i have up and down periods but my head always feels numbl.I think about paedophilia sometimes although i mainly think about girls my own age.I think about violence sometimes too,about hurtiong those bullies from my high school and primary school.I enjoy pain and i' m addicted to vampirism with my present girlfriend.I hate myself and everyday i realize how horrible i am and how scary the world is.I love my family,i love my girlfriend but maybe for the better i should least my mum wouldn' t have to watch her son go mad and live a worthless life and i wouldn' t risk cracking and telling her the truth about the past.Oh and i have stopped taking drugs for about a year(forgot to add that).And just to let u know i am serious,im not wanting attention.I just want straight answers.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

No, you definitely should not.
Its not easy to fully understand your message. It sounds as though your father was definitely psychologically abusive, but maybe not actually sexually abusive, though you accused him of that ? Maybe you feel somewhat guilty about that, but its ironic if he got punished for what he didn't do, while not punished for what he did do. And then died of the results of his own bad habits.
Anyhow. good that you lost the fake friends, and it would be good if you gradually became more open to some more real friends. Vampirism isn't actually good for one, though an excellent way of scaring or upsetting other people. So you in a sense try to scare the scary world ? You have done well to stop the drugs, and lose the dealers and pushers.
There is absolutely no need for you to go mad, or to be useless. You have begun well in several ways, and can become more sane and more useful, if you choose. Forget ideas of vengeance, egtowards the bullies --- it would only sink you to their level, and bottom-feeders sould be left alone. And it is very much less satisfying than you'd think.
So, here have been some straight answers. It sounds as though you have not received the help you need and deserve. Arrange to see a good shrink asap for a re-assessment and further help with whatever problems you jointly identify. You dont't need to choose to continue to be a victim of the bad people you have met in the past --- you can rise above that and make a stronger and happier new future.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Phil | 2008/12/22

You know what, you had a very bad experience. And you know what else, there is a lot of people out in this world that had bad experiences - sometimes worse then ours.
My point. Try and change the way you look at life. I alos had very bad experinces growing up, I chose to belive that out of all negatibe/bad things something good can come or good lessons can be learned. So today, I give my kids everything that I never had within my means. Today, I am always there for my kids, something I never had. And the reward you get for being better is sweet. Yes, the past still haunts all of us. But make that concious decsion to take the possitive message instead of only seeing the negative. You can do nothing about the past, but you can change your future.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Anonym | 2008/12/22

Congrats on stopping the drugs as it would surely have destroyed your live.
I think you have posted here from before but I could be wrong. Nothing would be gained from suicide so rather go and see a professional as you don' t know if it would be sucessful and then you just have to live with the harm you did to your body.
And thing happen to all people when they were younger maybe not the same but you could rise above it and live the life God gave you to the best of your ability.
I also sometimes doubled my sleeping meds cause if you need sleep you have to but seeing that its addictive I only do it for a short period of time when needed and wean myself as its not normal using anything to sleep.
Don' t tell me you drink blood? because its disgusting and a habit you must unlearn as some people could have blood ilnesses and you could get it.....
As CS would say its not your fault if somebody decide to end their live but hopefully you learned that you would have to be honnest.
So answering your question would be to straighten your live out and replacing the suicide thoughts with moe constuctive ones. Good luck.

Reply to Anonym

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