Posted by: Maritha | 2004/10/25

Should I dump her?

I have a friend who was in an accident in 1999. I met her just before the accident, so I don't really know what she was like before. She was in 'n coma for about 3 months afterwards, and although she has recovered a lot, she still walks and talks slower and her one arm cannot lift up properly. She finished her degree the same year I did and has her own car which she drives to work every day.

My problem is that I'm always trying to involve her in my circle of friends and to take her out, but she's always quite nasty in return. She would insult me at her birthday party in front of all her friends and also make rude comments to my other friends at my parties. Even when we have a private conversation, she insults me shamelessly. It has happened 2 times very recently that I organize a meeting with her and another friend (we are a working on a group project), where she cancels the event with the other person long before and let me know about 2 hours before it's supposed to take place. In the meantime I was making arrangements for everybody to come over. When I confront her she acts like it was my fault that everything was cancelled.

It feels as if she knows that I have to be nice to her due to her disabilities and she can therefore treat me anyway she likes. All her other friends are also very nice to her, but it seems like she's treating them well. Even when she asks me out I still have to come and pick her up at her house and drop her off. Every once in a while I really won't mind, but she's got a car and she can drive it.

During July I treated her to a musical of which one ticket costed about R350. As I asked her out, she said that she will see if she can make it. Of course then I cannot dump her and ask someone else. Up until the very last minute I struggled to get clearance on the matter and on what time I can pick her up. Later I was so upset that my mother called her mother and asked what the situation is, because I cannot get anything out of her. Her mother replied that she was already dressed and ready to go.

I am preparing to dump her as soon as she contacts me again. She is more than bright enough to understand if I explain to her why and to know that one should be a friend before one could have one. I might not be disabled, but I still have feelings.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello Maritha,
Have you tried having a serious talk with her, about all this ? The long coma suggests she had some degree of brain damage, and this can change a person's personality and make them more impulsive and less considerate ( her mother may know if this has been a noticeable effect ) ; but also, some people unfortunately learn to use their disability to push other people to accept their bad behaviours even if they could actually behave better.
Overall it sounds as if you have been more than understanding and kind towards her, and may well be justified in dumping her. But mabe, forst, a good discussion calmly pointing out that you're not prepared to cope with further such examples of her being selfish and thoughtless. Treat her as a normal person, makiig it clear you expect the same starndards of consideration from her as from anyone.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maritha | 2004/10/26

Sorry, Marconi_love, I forgot to mention I was a (straight)woman too - My mistake. Still almost all your advice is aplicable, thanks for that.

Thanks everyone, the advice makes me feel a lot better and gives me perspective.

Reply to Maritha
Posted by: marconi_love | 2004/10/26

You have been to kind to her. She is spoiled and take you for granted. You almost need to get her back on track by playing emotional games with her. The fact that you are always there for her puts her in a comfort zone. She knows you will always be there for her. You will always include her in any thing because of her situation.

But look at the facts...... If you have feelings for her like, getting seriously involved it will be a no go. Your friendship has developed to a too much of complicated situation in the sense of. You doing a lot for her and do not get recognize. There is too much nitty gritty things that needs to be sort out before you can think of a relationship. The time has come for you to realize that you need to carry on with your life. That means go out and live more of a life of your own. Go out alone with friends. Stop asking her to go with you. Carry on with your life. If you are so called friends start treat her normal like a friend. Phone her now and then on how she is. But keep it like that. If she start to confront you by asking....Way did you not asked her to come with???? Tel her you needed time out alone and you did not think of it. Next time you will mention to her if you and the friends go out. But never invite her as making an appointment with her. Just tell her you and every one goes out she is welcome to come. You do not pick her up you get them all there. Then treat her the same as every one. Never asked her for a dance. Carry on with your life forget about her. Get yourself a real girlfriend you can care for and that will appreciate it. It does make a difference in life. I have a girlfriend, and if I take her and her son for one day to the dam she will thank me often for being so good to them. It really change your life and the way you look at that person.

Reply to marconi_love
Posted by: Blue and Grey boy | 2004/10/25

Don't dump her, fight fire with fire first, if she can dish it out she must be able to recieve it. When she confronts you about it remind her what she has done. By just dumping her will turn you into the bad person in her books and she'll throw it in your face and your mutual friends, just as she's been doing now. Be the bigger person teach her a lesson, in good taste tough. she obviously has issues with her self and makes it others problem.
Remind her everyone has problems some are just bigger than others, no need to be nasty the world doesn't owe her....

Reply to Blue and Grey boy
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/10/25

She's using her "disability" as a weapon against your kind nature.

or alternatively:

Problem: you are too nice to her cos - u see her as not "full and able" - she has picked up on this and now takes advantage of it.

Solution: treat her like a normal person - she'll behave like one.

Good Luck

Reply to Juzlisen
Posted by: LB | 2004/10/25

I agree with Lulu dump her, with a friend like that you don't need enemies.

Reply to LB
Posted by: lulu | 2004/10/25

She's rude and undeserving of your friendship. I say yes, dump her.

Reply to lulu

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