Posted by: Nadia | 2007/06/07

Should I be worried?

Hi Doc;

I think right now I am going to scare you, because I am very scared myself. I am 24 yrs old and have been married for almost 2 yrs to a very good man, BUT the last few months I do not know if he is what I really want??? He doesn't want to do anything. He just wants to stay home and watch sport all day long. (Every single day). And then it makes him very happy if I am around. It is extremely frustrating because I am still young and feel very old. He is just 28! We have nothing in common. I enjoy working out - he is far to lazy. I have spoken to him many times before. I explained to him that I want to go out (with him and our friends) and I love eating out, ect. He knows exactly what I want and need, but he just ignores me?He loves playing golf - I hate it. I suggested we start playing squash togeteher (a few times) but nothing happend so I just dropped that idea. I find him very boaring. We don't even like talking about the same things + he thinks I am dumb because I don't know much about sport? I am just not interested. It also feels as if he is keeping me back because I am a medical representative and I want to do good and build a name for myself, but he wants children (now) and he wants me to stop working. I don't want children (I am to afraid) and I don't want to stop working because he makes me feel guilty when I take money from him??? He is also very rude towards my dad (I am an only child and have a very good relationship eith my parents) and that hurts me tremendously. I have talked to him before about all of this but he says I am wrong. Pls help me!!! He is a good husband (he doesn't drink or smoke or go out to parties, but...)????

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello Nadia,
I'm not scared. But maybe this was one of the major advantages of the old-fashioned long engagement --- you had the time to discover the habits of your fiancee, ( and they to discover yours ) and to discover whether compromise was practical or not. Was he a guy who was live-wire, partying all night, buzzing around on marvellous enterprizes all day --- up until immediately after the wedding ? Or was h actually always rather like this, though perhaps with less opportunity to display his laziness ?
Did he mislead you ? Did he, for instance, pretend to be devoted to working out, accompanying you to the gym, only to give this up after mariage ? Or was he never interested, but you didn't really look into that before ?
Has he just taken up golf ? Or did you assume that he might give it up after mariage and switch to your preferred hobbies ?
I do understand your strong sense of disappointment. Understandably, as this is your message and complaint, you talk a lot about ways in which he doesn't compromise to meet your interests etc. Are there ways in which you yourself might compromise and move towards meeting him halfway ? Have you adapted to him in any way ?
He seems to ignore your clear statements of what you want, and that's not wise or considerate of him. Do you know what he wants ?
Its understandable that you might not want children right now if you are intent on building a career --- didn't you folks discuss this before marrying ? I'm a bit worried by your comment, about having children "I'm afraid to" --- that might be worth exploring in counselling, so as to lose the fear, and be able to decide about having children without fear.
As Maria implies, presumably you had what seemed at the time like good reasons for marrying this man --- what was it you liked about him then ? Marriage counselling would indeed be a good idea --- not expecting it to inevitably heal everything and enable a very long mariage but so as to explore whether greater mutual happiness is practical, and at least to decide to part, if that is eventually your decision, for good reasons, and having learned enough to prevent either of you from falling into a similar situation ever again. I believe that marriage and divorce, like surgery, should involve properly Informed Consent.

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Our users say:
Posted by: joey | 2007/06/07

I don't think you should be worried about your marriage unless you are falling out of love with him because of his ways. Everyone is different and its not only the marriages where the couple are like too peas in a pod which work. You have things which you like to do and him likewise. If he enjoys watching sport - let him - go and do something that you like doing. You can hardly blame him that he likes sport and you dont. Why should it be that couples have to do everything together to have a successful marriage. For instance my husband likes finance and the economy and he reads the newspapers from front to back every weekend. He loves it - I dont. He talks to me about it - I find it so boring, but I listen anyway - let him say his bit - does'nt mean to say that I have to now get involved in the economy and also read the finance section. Go and do what you want to do and let him do what he wants to do.

Reply to joey
Posted by: Maria | 2007/06/07

Yes, you should be worried about your marriage. Why did you marry this man? What attracted you to him in the first place? Has he always been this way?
I suggest you go for marriage counselling as soon as possible to help you sort out what goals and needs both of you have and how you can negotiate this within your marriage.

Reply to Maria

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