Our expert says:
I'm not scared. But maybe this was one of the major advantages of the old-fashioned long engagement --- you had the time to discover the habits of your fiancee, ( and they to discover yours ) and to discover whether compromise was practical or not. Was he a guy who was live-wire, partying all night, buzzing around on marvellous enterprizes all day --- up until immediately after the wedding ? Or was h actually always rather like this, though perhaps with less opportunity to display his laziness ?
Did he mislead you ? Did he, for instance, pretend to be devoted to working out, accompanying you to the gym, only to give this up after mariage ? Or was he never interested, but you didn't really look into that before ?
Has he just taken up golf ? Or did you assume that he might give it up after mariage and switch to your preferred hobbies ?
I do understand your strong sense of disappointment. Understandably, as this is your message and complaint, you talk a lot about ways in which he doesn't compromise to meet your interests etc. Are there ways in which you yourself might compromise and move towards meeting him halfway ? Have you adapted to him in any way ?
He seems to ignore your clear statements of what you want, and that's not wise or considerate of him. Do you know what he wants ?
Its understandable that you might not want children right now if you are intent on building a career --- didn't you folks discuss this before marrying ? I'm a bit worried by your comment, about having children "I'm afraid to" --- that might be worth exploring in counselling, so as to lose the fear, and be able to decide about having children without fear.
As Maria implies, presumably you had what seemed at the time like good reasons for marrying this man --- what was it you liked about him then ? Marriage counselling would indeed be a good idea --- not expecting it to inevitably heal everything and enable a very long mariage but so as to explore whether greater mutual happiness is practical, and at least to decide to part, if that is eventually your decision, for good reasons, and having learned enough to prevent either of you from falling into a similar situation ever again. I believe that marriage and divorce, like surgery, should involve properly Informed Consent.
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