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Question
Posted by: MMM | 2004/01/21

SHE WONT LET ME SUPPORT THE BABY

I was last month dumped by my girlfriend who happens to be pregnant with my child and she is unemployed.
The reason for her to dump me was that one night she was sick and she called me for transport, but I could not be there bec I was far away from her place, and I suggested that she can hire a transport nearby and I will pay the expenses and she did that.
The next day she phoned me to say she doesnt love me anymore, and I must just forget about the child and she will bring him up by her own means, she doest need any piece of my support and I will not even see the child when born (April 04).
I then phoned her parents to tell them about the matter and they said they will speak to her and come back to me , but until today I have not heard any positive response from them.

I dont know whether is this lady using this method to punish me/ what?And I am concern because she is not employed and doesnt have any source of income.How is she going to pay for medical expenses, food, clothes etc.

I really want to support my child when born, but I am confused bec she wont let me.
I really want to go on with my life and put this matter behind, but at the same time I am worried because it will appear as if I am an irresponsible person who runs away from his responsibilties. Or is this lady going to sue me for maintanance at a later stage?. I dont really want to support my child via the court, but I want to give him all that I have i.e my 100% support in all aspects of life.

Please give me an advice, should I just watch her playing these game, and forget about everything and just go on with my life or what?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear MMM,
Firstly, may I say, in an age when we hear so often of men who struggle to evade their responsibilities and who fail to provide cae for the children they father, it's a refreshing change to hear of a man who wants to do so, even if his lady currently is foolishly refusing to let him do so.
J seems to have some good ideas. You can open an account for the child, and put aside what you can afford right now, so it's available to assist the child when she starts being sensible again --- a pregnant woman is coping with physical and hormonal changes as well as the worries of unmarried pregnancy, and aren't always able to be as logical and wise as to their own best interests as they would be at other times. She may well recognize that she is grossly over-reacting to a single incident. Clearly, she felt horribly abandoned in that situation in which your reaction was logical, but didn't deal with her emotional needs.
She won't have any right to refuse to allow you access to your child, and would, from the sound of it, have no grounds for asking any court to limit such acess. Even though this matter ought to be capable of being sorted out without the COurts, it may need you to get some legal advice to prevent it becoming a legal mess.
I disagree with HandyAndy here --- the pregnancy is just as much her responsibility as yours, and it doesn't sound as if you've done anything wrong so far --- and it is her responsibility not to have a hissy-fit and prolong the sulks to the detriment of her pegnancy and the child.
Keep expressing the extent to which you care for her and the child, via her parents if necessary at first, and make sure your offer to be caring at this stage is on the record, i.e. known to a number of people. Maybe you're talking about money right now, when she wants to hear about love, and caring. Ish Bo seems to have the right idea there !

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Our users say:
Posted by: Ish Bo | 2004/01/22

Good question Paul.What is Handy Andy Really on about? MMM,I'm about to become a dad(21) and I'm so proud to hear that you want to be there for yor child.I do too.As the guyz have said,pregnant women can be very weird,unreasonable and impulsive and this is mostly due to hormone imbalance.At the moment just try and give her the benefit of the doubt and hope that everything will settle as soon as the pregnancy is over.Just keep reminding her how beautifull she is and how much you love her and tha she and the baby are part of your life now.Dont mind her if she shouts,as long as she hears that.You know sometimes I even lough at my lady when she gets crazy and I just kiss her on the forehead and tell her I love her.I really do love her and hope you love yours too!I respect her so much for accepting that she is carrying my child,given the circumstances.She is a first year University Student and I'm the 5th year midicine student so pregnancy was the last thing on our minds.LETS LOVE OUR WOMEN.

GUDLUCK MAN,YOU ARE A GOOD MAN.

Reply to Ish Bo
Posted by: Paul | 2004/01/22

HandyAndy are you stupid or blind mate?

Reply to Paul
Posted by: Agree wtih R. | 2004/01/22

I think R is right. You should be aware that pregnant women are very emotional. She probably felt very rejected that you said she should get someboby else to transport her. She probably felt that you do not care. I don't think she meant what she said.

What is worrying is that you do not seem to be willing to fight for this lady. Maybe go to see her perosnally. It was probably just the hurt talking when she told you that it is over. She needs your love and support, a little more than she needs your money. Question is do you love her and are you willing to supply her and baby with more than just maintanance money?

Reply to Agree wtih R.
Posted by: HandyAndy | 2004/01/22

Nowhere do I see that you either miss your ex g/f or that you in fact care for her. She is halfway through a pregnancy: what have you done so far for her or the unborn child?

My boy, I hope she gets a good lawyer who will throw the law book at you! You should be and deserve to be taken to the cleaners.

If you want to support so desperately, get off your ass and start by making your efforts of support felt right now to the mother of your unborn child.

Ga! for wanting to put this matter behind you and wanting to get on with YOUR life! What about those other 2 lives you have messed up?

Reply to HandyAndy
Posted by: 1st Time Mommy | 2004/01/21

Hi MMM

A pregnant woman is a wierd creature her emotions are going hey wire so for starters just give her some time with regards to her behaviour.

She will soon find out that raising a child by herself is going to cost her one small fortune. My son is 4 months old I'm a single mommy and I pay R1200-00 a month that is for food disposible nappies his medicine and ointments and that doesn' teven include clothes.
It is damn expensive.

If she is serious about this pls be very careful cause she may just decide to take you to court for not wanting to provide for your child. She can claim all of her doctors appoinments, hospitalisation, medicine and maintenance money from you and she can wipe you clean out.
Pls speak to a maintenance officer at the magistrates court you have a fight to your child.
She will soon come running to you for finances.

She makes me very angry. I wish I had a man like you in my life my b/f wants nothing to do with his son he doesn't see him and when he does he just looks at him he doesn't even touch him much less hold him, and maintenance is a major problem. I have never once stopped him from seeing his baby his just not interested.

She should consider herself blessed to have a man interested in his child and wants to support the baby. I wish I had that, some of us aren't that lucky.

Do some research and find out what your rights are, I can understand you wanting to keep this out of court but if you don't come right that will have to be an option to look at.

Keep me posted let me know how things are going, I'll be around if you need to talk.

I hope things work out for you MMM
Take care
1st Time Mommy

Reply to 1st Time Mommy
Posted by: R | 2004/01/21

I think your g/f is just going through the emotions of pregnancy. I do not honestly belief she means it. I mean come to think of it she felt neglected when you tell her that you can't come an offer her transport at that time. I think she is just angry she felt for some reason that you do not care for her and given that she is pregnant she thought you would come in an instance to help her and you did not. Give her some time she will come around. Just try to talk to her tell her that you love her and by not making it the other day doesn't mean that you do not love her. I think everything else will fall into place.
Good Luck.

Reply to R
Posted by: J | 2004/01/21

She will have no right to keep you from your child once it is born. You can take her to court if she refuses. if she wont accept maintenance I suggest you open a bank account and put away an amount monthly. She will want maintenance at some stage and at least you will be prepared.

Reply to J

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