Posted by: naomi | 2008/12/01

She died-part 2

In October I wrote to you about my mother in law who had passed and I was feeling horrible for having not liked her.After thr advice I received from you and the others,I approached my husband abous seeking professional help for himself and his siblings,one of which is still in high school and has since moved it with us.He decided against it,because he says his family never believed in such things,and he believed it could do him no good,he however sought professional help for his sister who seems to have improved drastically.A lot of adjustments had to be made,to make this situation as bearable for everyone as possible.Yesterday however my boyfriend told me that his siblings blame me for their mom' s death.I am said to have caused her emotional stress for having not liked her.She was not perfect,neither am I.I don' t know what to feel,these people have been laughing with,confiding in me and I thought everybody was fine,I even confided in his younger brother about how I felf since she passed,and he assured me that there was nothing for me to worry about,as nobody knew that this would happen.My husband told me yesterday that his younger brother told him that himself as well as their little sister blame me,because I caused their mother emotinal stress,I do not want to break this family up,and I' m worried especially about his little sister,what goes through her mind when she looks at me,they have pretending all this time,I don' t want to move out,but I can' t stay with people who blame me for their mother' s passing.Please help I don' t know who else to talk to.

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Our expert says:
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Thanks for the follow-up, naomi. I hope your husband will draw some useful conclusions from the major improvement his sister has made, with therapy. QWhen someone dies, its not unusual for grieving people to seek to bnlame someone else for the death, ESPECIALLY if they themselves have some reason for feeling guilty. OK, so you caused the woman some stress by not liking her --- and surely she caused you stress, too. That didn't kill anybody. Their guilt, and their projecting that onto you, is a problem they have to solve within themselves, and that needs therapy / counselling. Your moving out wouldn't solve it, and would be unfair tom you.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nozi | 2008/12/01

Naomi I know you never hated your mom in-law, but it is hard when a mother in-law takes instant dieslike to the sone wife or g/f and makes life difficult for her, making her out to be the bad one.So they are very immture to believe such rot, firstly she must have been sick, they are just blaming you to remove the blame from themselves.
I know as a mother that when we don' t like a g/f we will find endless problems thinking our son will leave her, she was slefish as she never thought of the day she leave thi world to make a better place and peace for her kids.
If hubby wont go for help with you go alone, you have nothing to worry about, you not GOD, it was her calling and how were you suppose to stop it.
You must have triend endlessly to be nice to her but to receive you need to earn it not bad mouth one and cause trouble for them.
Don' t give her the glory in taking a way your happiness still when gone, you tried and she just wasn' t into you. God rest her sorry soul but you are alive and take care of yourself.

Reply to Nozi
Posted by: naomi | 2008/12/01

Thank you very much,I just wish that they could understand that,the woman made a lot of mistakes,and its just the things that she sometimes did or said that used to hurt me,same as with them she sometimes did things that used to upset them,Its not that I ever hated her,I just didn' t like the things she did to me,just like them....thank you CS

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