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Question
Posted by: Silly Dilly | 2004/10/07

Shaun

Dear Shaun

All I want is for my marriage to be better than what it is right now. I would like to go to functions, be it family or work related, together with him as a couple. I'm not saying it has to be every function.
I would like for our relationship to be like it was before we married. Back then he got angry if I did not accompany him to functions. Back then everything was perfect - why else would I have committed to marriage?
I appreciate all responses, as it gives me ideas , and I can work on that. I must say, two of my "friends" suggested I leave him - they only know about his abuse to me, not the other abuse, and I could not take their advice, as they don't know the whole story. But if push comes to shove, and there is othing I can do, that may be my option, but it is not what I want to do.

Thanks & keep well.
SD

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

thoughtful responses all round here. And maybe think of the idea of a selective strike, as suggested in the discussion of a neighbouring question.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/07

Hi SD,

To a degree I agree with Paris here. Again, I admire in you the strength to want to make it work, even after all you've been through, together.
I'm sure you have realised by now that you have a huge task ahead of you, & also one that you cannot achieve by yourself. It does after all involve 2 people so it is very important you speak to your husband.
There is the trust issue to overcome, honesty, & of-course you guys have to respect each other again. You've also got the added disadvantage of the abuse & interrogations, I am certain all these things can't be easy on you.
SD, I will definitely suggest you seek professional counselling & assistance, for you, your husband & both of you as a couple.
Simultaneously, try to write down your want & needs, & keep it in a safe place where only you can get hold of it.
Stand up for yourself so that the abuse stops, period! Take the necessary legal steps if you have to, but I feel you have to show that you won't allow yourself to be taken advantage of.
Write him a sincere letter explaining how you feel, like you've been doing here. Sometimes we have this way of saying things totally differently to those we love. What hurts you, what makes you happy, what you would have liked to do, how you want your'll to be.
SD, you can only try & make him see reason, he has to make his own choice as to commiting to make it work.
I feel you must, as soon as possible, start by showing that you won't be taken advantage of, in anyway.
Oh, also let him know, that you are with him because thats by your choice & want to be with him. I also feel that you should let him know that if you choose otherwise he cannot stop you.
Show strength, but not in a way intimidate. Be polite & calm & very assertive.
I wish you the best of luck SD. Oh & stop thinking of yourself as SD, I don't think you are.

Please let me know your take on this, ok.

Take care,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/07

Hi there,
I am so sorry to hear about what is happening to you, you don't deserve it, I just had a memory flashback when I read your posting. If you can talk to him, then talk to him, but if you can't because I know a person reaches a point where you become to scared or intimidated to talk, so if you can't then get out of there. It is not good for you or your kids and you don't deserve it, nobody does. Just as a way of explanation, why I say I understand, I was forced to clean my car with a toothbrush by my ex husband and I was too damned scared to argue, he completely emotionally destroyed me, please don't let him do this to you, you have to fight back and take your power back.
Good luck and Take Care --

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: Paris | 2004/10/07

Hi there,

It really horrible when some one you love does this to you.

Have you spoken to him about the way you feel? Does he even care. Emotional abuse can be so much worse than physical abuse some times.

I am exactly in the same position. I go to work in slops/takkies jeans and casual clothes (not shorts though) as we also dont have a specific dress code. Any way back to you....

What his doing to you is wrong. You need to speak to him (if you haven't already) and if he doesn't change his ways, then i would suggest you go on strike.

My friends mom does it often. She is a stay at home mom, every thing is perfect in the house, but some times she gets fed up with being taken advantage of and just goes on strike. Its time to be selfish.

Reply to Paris
Posted by: Silly Dilly | 2004/10/07

Hi Paris
Sadly - to the situation - I have three kids.

The abuse is" the normal" - but a girl can take only so much -

He never has a good word about /to me. Would you believe if I told you I cannot remember him saying "Thanks" if I gave him food, or water? I mean its just being polite.

complains about food; house not cleaned according to his ways - but he never does it; He will not even wash his own underpants! belittles me in front of everyone - ie: if i make the mistake of reversing the car and go a bit skew, he will come out and start shouting waving his hands so the whole world can hear him - this has made me so embarresed, I don't even mingle with my neighbours; lately its been my way of dressing - i like to wear jeans, and as we don't have a specific drees code at work, I can wear jeans from Monday to Friday - to me its a matter of looking presentable and being clean. I feel comfortable in jeans and takkies/slip ons. I do not look sloppy. There are days when I "doll" myself up with high heels and suits, but that is only when having meetings etc.

Reply to Silly Dilly
Posted by: paris | 2004/10/07

Why dont you elaborate on the abuse. Sounds dodgy to me. Maybe if you explain further i wont have a one sided opinion. But as it stands now. My advice is this: Any sort of abuse in a relationship is plain and simple wrong. No matter what!

I spent my childhood and teens in a house full of abuse, and it is not good for kids. I just hope you dont have any.

Keep me posted

Paris
xxx

Reply to paris

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