Posted by: Sexless | 2008/06/23

Sexless - any answers from readers?

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. I find it very painful to see my own mom getting more vulnerable and she is 66. I am glad you had such precious time together.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years. We have not had sex or any intimacy in 2 years. We are still together, I feel this is totally wrong. He says things will resolve themselves. I am 42 and he is 44.

Aside from the usual reasons like illness, male & female menopause, stress, tension etc. is this a normal part of a relationship?

He says he wishes that things could be like they were in the beginning (so do I). Our relationship was never based on the physical. There was attraction of course, but we clicked on a mental level.

I am very disappointed in my relationship but since he is not one of those romantically inclined men I feel that maybe I am expecting something he can't give me. He does hug me and kiss me brotherly.

I said to him do you think we have fallen out of love with each other but we still love each other. He said he never believed in the romantic notion of love. Part of me wants to break up with him, the other part does not. I think he is as confused as what I am. Will never try therapy. I put on weight (he said I was never his ideal sexual woman) and I said quite truthfully that my ex was a fabulous lover and pushed all the right buttons.

Maybe the chemistry has died? I feel shy of my body and he does not think I am a good lover. Funny enough I think the same thing about him although he fancies himself a great lover. Shall I just carry on or is this so totally abnormal as what I feel it is?

Thanks for any meaningful advice.

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Our expert says:
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If his level of sexual interest has declined, that isn't wholly normal, and whatever the problem is could probably be helped considerably if he would see a relevant expert. It sounds as though he is coasting along in this relationship, if you want to continue with it, surely relationship counselling would be a wise investment for both of you ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: The Oracle | 2008/06/23

So sad that YOU have allowed this man to break you down mentally because of HIS inadequacies.

I've allowed this in the past: staying with a partner who has issues about under-endowment, early-ejaculator etc. etc. and then trying to make me feel it's MY fault.

If you are not prepared to go for relationship councelling, I would suggest you pack your things and go.

I hope you're not letting yourself be used as a chef/cleaner/companion for functions etc. only. There is no physical intimacy, no petting, loving, feelings of security. Then get out.

We all deserved to be loved as we are. There are clinically obese women who have men who LOVE and CHERISH them. You're slightly overweight and this hog is finding it repulsive.

If you love yourself, get out and open yourself up to someone who will like you, love you, cherish you. You deserve it all.

Good luck.

Reply to The Oracle
Posted by: Tango | 2008/06/23

If very normal for a couples sexual side of their relationship to wax and wane, but what concerns me is that the two of you are " blaming" each other - your weight and his lack of sexual prowess vs your ex. These jibes are hurtfull and if he is experiencing Erectile Dysfunction (ED) it will definitely make it worse!

Often when a couple start to comment to each other about their sexuality its an indication that there is something else going down in the relationship. You both need to sit down and unpack it all.

You can still make love without penetrative sex. Maybe going back to square one again like in the courting days and concentrate of the relationship aspect, take the pressure off lovemaking for a while. Tell him how important it is for you to have your emotional needs taken care of.

Reply to Tango

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