Posted by: Dacity | 2003/03/25

Sex Revenge

Dear CyberShrink,

My husband and I often argue over the smallest of things. We have conflicting personalities and we cannot seem to get along. He is a hot-tempered perfectionist whereas I am a more laid back creative person. He is extremely dominating and whenever we have an argument he starts yelling at me and insults me terribly.

At first this unsettled me tremendously. I cried and got very sad. Then, after about two years of marriage I got extremely angry whenever he started shouting and started shouting back. This resulted in a separation for 3 months, but we talked it through and decided to try again. However, the arguments, yelling and insults just continued.

Problem now is, that I no longer get sad or angry about our fights. After we had a heated argument, I just go out and have myself some delicious sex with the first gorgeous stranger that comes along. I usually meet these men via the Internet.

Afterwards, I don’t feel guilty about it at all. In stead I actually feel GREAT and very triumphant!
When I go home and he starts going on, I just smile and think of the blissful sex I just had.

This has been going on for about 2 years. He has never found out about it.

I know it must be terribly WRONG, but...... if it is wrong then why does this 'revenge' feel so terribly good... ???

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Revenge, contrary to what the moralists want to tell us, is often sweet. For a time. But it is still an unwholesome motivation for one's choices of behaviour. For instance, you may enjoy knowing that you have been unfaithful to him, and that he doesn't know. But, there are, as you well know, serious risks with such relationships --- there are health risks, of AIDS and STD, as no prevention is 100 % efffective. And there are risks because the people who you met may turn out to be monstrously unpleasant, and could wish to do you harm --- not knowing them except by what they choose to reveal over the web ( mainly fiction, in most cases ) you do no have the usual ways to protect yourself, and are actually terribly vulnerable.
And the fact that you have apparently got away with it for 2 years may help you to feel safe and secure in the practice, but actually merely means that nothing has gone awfully wrong--- YET.
If the two of you plan to stay together, wouldn't it be more fruitful to embark on marriage counselling, to sort out these matters ? If you don't really intend to stay together, why stay around while indulging in this risky hobby ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: curly | 2003/03/27

I just want to know what exactly "dacity" and "served cold" are doing in a relationship? If you are unhappy then get out. This is a sick game you're playing with yourself. The only way I can understand it is to think that you're probably addicted to the drama. Not only do you need marriage counselling if you plan to stay, but you need individual counselling if this is what you consider to be conflict resolution. If you want to have sex with strangers then that's your business, but if you find it so grand to have sex as a weapon against another person, that's a bit twisted. I don't think your sex life is anyone's business. Have orgies for all it matters.... but when you turn sex into a weird game of vengeance, then don't you think it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate your life and where it's heading? Best of luck to both of you, I hope that you find some sense of peace.

Reply to curly
Posted by: Served Cold | 2003/03/26


I understand you EXACTLY as I feel the same way. The Mafia is credited with the saying that "Revenge is a dish best served cold". Whenever my "better half" hacks me off I go out and get laid. I have to admit that I have less success than you, being a man, but I understand your motives. Use condoms and take care of yourself.

Reply to Served Cold
Posted by: nina | 2003/03/25

hi there

i and many of the "moral" people in this forum might disagree with the way you act - for different resons but you have the short term solution that works and looks like it works well for you

but my friend the long term effects will distroy you
your marraige is not healthy and is chipping away on you self image so by being able to give a stanger "mind blowing sex" build your self image but it's not the real thing. you are able to have sex because you have "committed emotional suicide" to be able to cope with the hurt and abuse in your marriage.

you deserve better and most of all you deserve to have a healthy self image, emosions that is well and respect but first you have to respect yourself by acting in a way that will make you love the person in the mirror.

if your hubby speaks and treats you in a degrading manner then adres the issue and make it clear that it's not acceptable - or get out - my believe is that you can't teach a old god new tricks
but again that just my humble opion

good luck


Reply to nina

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