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Question
Posted by: Lista | 2005/11/24

Sex drive is defintely killed by marriage issues - the story of my life

I so wish there could be a better way to resolve these marriage and relationship issues to regain best sex life ever. I am in tears. Most damaging to a sex life and marriage are issues of trust. I know my wife has a man she is busy with. when at work she connects with either telephonically, email or msn chat. i know it took me using shady ways of finding out. i therefore can not raise it with her lest some screws tightened and I cannot monitor their moves nomore.

my wife values her friends more than us. her priorities are friends and making money. she has no regard for me as a husband. she alway avoid time with us together and intimacy. she would rather do things that she knows would drive us apart than invest on those to keep us close together. like cook a full meal and take it to a friend's party, leave me with nothing to eat and bring back some left overs after midnight. yet she would complain when we run low on groceries or if she buys i do not get to enjoy a meal without hers making me feel that she bought or paid for it.

i used to sooth myself with masturbating now i no longer do. i used to think of quitting the marriage i no longer do. i used to think of finding a misstress i no longer do. i am trapped in deep thoughts about life, my life, its worth.

i know for sure i am a great lover and a very supportive and goodhearted husband - i want to ease everybody's life at home where possible wash dishes do most of the household chores. but now i have lost motivation and i care, its not like i do not care but have lost my energy, drive, ambitions. i am looking for work very very far away but i have not got even a drive to i so wish i could go back to my mother's womb or sleep for a very long long time and wake up to find that she is not there (in my life) and i can be a happy bachelor or in a very fulfilling loving and caring marriage. it hurts so bad.

i wish therapy or marriage counselling could help easily and quicker becaous even when you go through it bank accounts and medical aids run dry and help just takes long to come to reality. it is terrible. life sometimes sux like my sex life, marriage life. the story of my life.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Lista, so sorry to hear of your grief. You sound like the sort of husband so many woman only dream of, yet maried to a woman who doesn't appreciate any of it. Marriage counselling can help, if the counsellor is skilled, and if BOTH parties agree to take part sincerely
Yes, divorce can be costly ( though not always ) and so can theraphy ( but not always ) --- but remaining so miserable for years on end, is also very costly, and at the end there is nothing to show for it.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lulu | 2005/11/24

I think u should just get out of the situation before it causes u any more damage.U sound like a very nice person but i think if u dont go she will destroy ur will to live & destroy ur good spirit as well.yes devorces take long but u can go live on ur own until the proceedings are finalised.all i can say is keep strong & focused..what ever u do God bless...

Reply to Lulu
Posted by: Cutie | 2005/11/24

My brother, kulukhuni kuyitye. My advice wold be, if you feel you have emough proof to confront her do so. I was also married but left my husband due to his possessive, abusive and controlling behaviour, I was extremely unhappy. Am now seeing somebody else, and guess what....he's worse...to an extent of being abusive physically.....

My point is, there is nothing as strenous as staying in a relationship in which you are not happy. it makes you doubt yourself and kills your self-esteem. Someone once told me that the 3 areas on which our happiness revolves are HEALTH, FINANCE AND RELATIONSHIPS, amazing how true this holds.

I still think you should confront her once and for all, you cannot continue torturing yourself merely because you will no longer be able to monitor her moves. I know it's easier said than done. Also, please consider seeking professional help before this issue gnawles on your soul.

All the best, be strong!

Reply to Cutie
Posted by: Loli | 2005/11/24

Sad stories my brothers, pelo entsho as I read through your stories.

Hold on the right one is out there keep looking

Good luck!

Reply to Loli
Posted by: S | 2005/11/24

Maybe it was not meant to be! The people u hold dear into your heart are the ones who hurt you the most!

Reply to S
Posted by: Sipho | 2005/11/24

what i fail to understand is that - this one single woman you hand-picked out of the rest / is the same person who puts you thru so much pain and hurt!!!

Reply to Sipho
Posted by: S | 2005/11/24

Marriage life is tough! I wish I could understand why do people get married because there's too much hurting in the process. Nowadays people have got hidden agenda's, everything is about status and money and NO RESPECT!

Life is tough

Reply to S
Posted by: 69 | 2005/11/24

Sipho, I hear you dude, and agree lets once and for all get it in the open

Reply to 69
Posted by: 69 | 2005/11/24

Dude you are telling my story as if I were there, I came here for advice many times, and you will soon find that some of the people here actually do care and want to help, try a trail sepperation, but make sure neither of you are worse off than you are now,ie if you move dont just get yourself a little hole to live in, you dont need added depression get a spot as if you were going to live there, then just back off, stay away for a while and get your miknd sorted you might find that you see things for what they are and not what you are always being told, if she does find someone else, I know it is difficult but just think of all the sh..t he has to go through. Good luck dude.

Reply to 69
Posted by: Sipho | 2005/11/24

I'm so glad that we guys can get to talko about these things as well. Why are there so many parrallels in our stories - divorced guy's stories: we all have been lalbelled abusers of some sort- emotional / or financial abuse?? In most cases we all have been played - driven right , left and center and the only time you are a good person is when nearing month - end / or have an excessive spending power....happened to me-
why is it that everbody readily accepts the woman's version of the breakup -why is it that everyone is so quick to accept that men/ husbands were either cheaters/ abusers or generaly not a GOOD husband material..... This makes me SICK - as this society is centred on the concerns and feelings of a particular gender group.

Soorry guys... i needed to vent .../ I 'm so bloody glad i'm now divorced - but i have not given up on love and will possibly re- marry in the future.

Reply to Sipho
Posted by: Lista | 2005/11/24

ungesabi Sipho.

69, when i began to be told that i am an abuser when i withold my financial contribution to a situation where money is mismanaged, i seriously considered a divorce. the only time i am a good person is when it nears the end of the month or i have money to spend. after that i am bullied left right and center.

the problem is that even the divorce process is very very tedious and costly (emotionaly and otherwise), one needs lots of support. where do you get it if you are sitting on the couch for whole year lest if you go out you will be accused and harrased?

Reply to Lista
Posted by: 69 | 2005/11/24

I hear you dude, as if you were telling my story, I had to go through the same thing in my life, except we ended up getting divorced and still she was and is still not willing to accept any of the responsability for what happened. In the end I was labled an abuser, a manic depressant, alcoholic, and God knows what else under the sun. Some people just dont understand that when you have been living on the couch for over a year and you have no-one to talk to you do start getting depressed, cos they are always out doing something. Divorce was my only way out. Not saying you should, but I do feel for you dude.

Reply to 69
Posted by: Sipho | 2005/11/24

Ndoda is it that bad, really? Ke - motho omontso mosadi wakgago (excuse my spelling). I was married as well - but what's happening in your life scare me more than anything i've ever heard about marital relations!

Reply to Sipho
Posted by: Lista | 2005/11/24

kea leboga sipho

Reply to Lista
Posted by: Sipho | 2005/11/24

Aagh man, this is terrible. I 'm at loss for words..... Take good care of yourself!

Reply to Sipho

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