Posted by: CareBear | 2007/05/13


I came out of a 5 year relationship at least 9 months ago. im relieved to be out of it, as it just wasnt going anywhere. im very happy though, being free spirited and unattached...
i met a wonderful guy a few months ago.He is pretty much everything i have ever wanted and we just set it off and became close enough....well until he told me that he has a girlfriend....of 4 years! i was furious and felt to never talk to him again and cut him off completely...
but for some reason i didnt...and we are still talking, and really open up to one another. he explained his situation to me, and at first i thought it was a bogus story (cz thats all you get these days)and then with time i came to understand and empathise with him. moreso, im a forensic mental health worker, so i understand his complex situation and pressures:

He told me that his girlfriend suffered from depression. is now better, but isnt able to have sex with him anymore. in fact its been 2 years now. i advised him as best i could about depression and suggested that he support her through therapy etc, of which he said she has already been to.i even recommended other specialists that im familiar with. he said he has tried it all, and feels he has come to a dead end and thinks about sex soo often it hurts.he said he has tried talking, etc but doesnt want to push too much as something traumatic happened to her, and he doesnt want to appear insensitive.He explained that he doesnt feel like a man anymore, misses the passion, desire etc, and toyed with the idea of having that with someone new (me).he has explained that all this is not her fault and said that he also doesnt want to abandon her. i know its odd, but we have the same needs...
but has said that he cant leave her because he cant 'kick someone when they are down', and he feels so much for her.

i know the timing bloody sucks, but i do want this man. had i known he was taken i wouldnt have entertained any kind of feelings with him our attraction to each other is mutual in that it is on both an intellectual and physical/sexual level. im left in a position where im thinking that i could be what he needs at the moment( SEX SEX SEX, the excitement, passion, laughter, friendship,and i have no 'baggage') but whats annoying me is that i dont know whether to stick around in the background, or just leave it. but im really not willing to be his girl on the side, and carry his guilt as im a guilt free zone, and i have made this clear. but ive been on the receiving end when someone has left me i have a 2 sided opinion, i wanna push him over the edge to be with me but also recognise that his devotion to her is real and i dont want to be the 'destroyer'

i really dont want to involve myself in this more than i have to


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry, I don't all for his line. If he has been reasonably supportive of his gf, that's well and good. But if she has become uninterested in sex with him, that's no excuse for him to form another relationship with you --- and guess why he wants the relationship with you. Contrary to apparently popular belief, temporary lack of sex kills nobody at all. He sounds brilliant at spinning a line and providing enticing excuses. He "doesn't feel a man anymore" ? What a fragile sense of manhood he has ! And what a severely limited definition of manhood, too.
He is using you to provide the sex his real gf isn't able to provide at present. Is it the sex that atracts you to him, too ?
If you are indeed "a forensic mental health worker" ( I'm not sure what that actually is ), maybe you need to re-read the textbooks on sociopathic personality disorderand other sections relevant to assessing a guy like this

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Our users say:
Posted by: CareBear | 2007/05/15

by the way, what advice would you give him? what are his options if he has any...people always talk about support/advice for those depressed but nobody ever talks about support of the other partners perspective who is also suffering in a different way

(dont say see a the words therapist or shrink...ive suggested that already)

ill send this link for him to read...

Reply to CareBear
Posted by: CareBear | 2007/05/15

yes its me again...from your responses they basically say shut the f*ck up and move on...i do hear you and im not going to say 'but'...or even be defensive about your comments

....i AM coming from a perspective of a girl who really DOES want to have geat sex and a little companionship. My expectation of him is NOT to have a 'relationship' per say, or marriage and babies. its what i recognise i need in my life right now.i want sex, that is what it is, open and honest sex.i want him to be respectful and honest to his relationship, and not be attached if we are going to have this 'thing'...just a little bit of decency is what im asking of him. if he cant do that, then im not willing to partake in all this, and dont want to be his slut

i do like cybershrinks comment tho about manhood, and maybe this depression thing may just be an just racking my brain and thinking over time

i can feel that im gonna get another ass whipping for this!....but go on knock yourself out......

Reply to CareBear
Posted by: careBear | 2007/05/15

thank you for your comments...its easy to have a cloudy perspective when you are really into someone.

i appreciate your responses

Reply to careBear
Posted by: Me | 2007/05/14

I think you are educated but stupid at the same time - seek counselling please and stop dragging everyone into this self destructive situation. thanks

Reply to Me
Posted by: 124 | 2007/05/14


Reply to 124
Posted by: SPEECHLESS | 2007/05/14


Now you have me wondering, are in fact forensic mental health worker or perhaps a mental patient instead. Why would you want to be with a person that cheats on his partner?- especially since his partner has been through so much and he swears he wants to stand by her - how is it possible for the two of you have connected on all these levels, when he is giving all his energy to the "injured party" to support her. I will tell you this much and I am not even a forensic mental health worker, if he cheats with you he will cheat on you AND most men that are cheats, will say just about anything to get into your pants.

Now come on girl, there are plenty of "legal / free" men out there that are worth your time - don't devote your precious time and energy on a cheat - you will waste many years and many tears.

Good luck


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