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Question
Posted by: Coola | 2005/11/22

Sex before marrage

Hi!

I am sitting with a huge problem. I had various relationships before I met my husband. Some of them I thought they were the one so one thing let to another. Unfortunately those relationships did not last. Then I met my husband, I love him so very very much. His family does not like me at all, because his sister spread false stories about me and they believed it. While I was in varsity I once had a friend who dared me with pool (the one that looses will strip for the other one), he was one of my best friends (we've been friends for 4 years by that time). Only friends. So he lost and he took his clothes off, and that is where it stopped. We had a huge laugh and I told him to put his clothes back on. I also met a young lady, and one knight when I went to visit her, I found out she used to be a stripper, and she showed me a few moves, and I never again visited her because I don't want to be associated with someone like that. My husband and I knew each other two or three months when we first did it, but I just knew he was definitely the one for me. Now I grew up very conservative, I was the brainy type who did very very well in school and varsity. I am a very successful businesswoman and I am still a bit conservative. I can't help that I made mistakes in my past; I really thought the other guys were going to turn out as husbands (and I knew them all since I was a child, because I came from a small town.) I made mistakes, and know I just want to forget about it. My husband who is in his early thirties cannot handle the fact that I had other boyfriends. I am his first - I even thought him how to kiss (and he is really a looker, girls love him, but he was just not interested in any girl). He asked me about my past so I told him there is nothing he was my first, because I know he will not marry me if he knew. We got married, but know: he keeps on asking me why I did not sleep with my ex's, like for instance the one I went out for three years. He does not believe me when I tell him: no we didn't, I did not feel that why about him. Then he tells me: but we knew each other 2/3 months when we did it. Know I can remember I told him that want to wait, but with his family interfering I was afraid I was going to loose him, so I slept with him, and know he thinks that slept with all my boyfriend (I did not sleep with all, but with the long relationship ones yes, unfortunately). This weekend he asked me if I slept with one of them (and he already asked me a billion times), I kept on saying no, but he kept on asking, so I told him the worst I did was playing strip poker with my ex's friend when they lied to me and told me he was using me and going back to his ex girlfriend. I lost it completely and played trip poker. He was so angry he called me a hore and said to me that he wants a divorce. So later the knight I told him that I only stripped up to my bikini and then left (witch is very much the truth). But with him that keeps on asking me: "did you sleep with someone". It hurts, it feels like he thinks I am cheap, so I lost it and I wanted to hurt him back. He is now telling me my word means nothing to him, he doesn't believe a thing I am saying and he doesn't understand how could I have slept with him so quickly but with a past relationship of three years I did not sleep with that guy. How do I know if this relationship will survive, will it turn out in a divorce? I do believe I have a right to keep my private life private to myself. Should I walk out now while I still have dignity of should I just turn around and walk out? I can't help for my past, every body makes mistakes. Should I now suffer for my past?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

What an unreasonable and insecure little man ! Nobody is entitled to have hard feelings about whatever you may have done in the past before you met them. OK, if you lied to him about your past, he could have grounds for concern --- about the lying, rather than the history. But he isn't entitled to demand that you become a retrospective virgin. WOuld he agree to join you in marriage counselling, where he might learn to be more reasonable

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Our users say:
Posted by: whatever | 2005/11/22

Your spelling and grammer sure sucks for someone as...uhm...brainy as you.

You could have reduced all of that into one or two short paragraphs.

You are not suffering because of your past. You are suffering because of your lies. Have your private life private, if you feel that is your right, but have it outside of a marriage then. How would you feel if he had a whole private life away from you?

He has every right to be upset. You were his first and he had the right to know all about your sleeping partners in your past before he married you. Fearing ("loosing") losing him and therefore deceiving him is nothing else than fraud. He can divorce you or have your marriage annulled based on the fact that you misled him with your lies.

Shame on you.

Reply to whatever
Posted by: ... | 2005/11/22

it's possible that he keeps asking you because he knows you are lying to him....... its not unlikely that he knows you have lied about this and has given you many opportunities to set the record straight but you keep lying more and more.... and that is most probably making him wonder what exactly you did do before he met you........ just something to think about... having said that though...... if he loves you for the person you are now.... then what you did before shouldn't be such a big deal... the problem really is understanding whether he is more obsessed because he thinks you lied to him... or whether he just has an unhealthy concern about what you did in your past........
the only way you are going to get past this is to tell him the truth once and for all.... that way you dont have to make up stories and then remember what you told him before... your intention might be not to hurt him.... but generally nothing hurts more than being lied to!!
So... make it right.... tell him the truth... and what he does with the truth is up to him.... if he can't live with the truth then so be it..

Reply to ...
Posted by: Coola | 2005/11/22

Dear HoHoHO

You have NO idea what you are talking about when you say I just wanted to get married: that was the last thing on my mind. I thought I never want to get married till I met him. I had a couple of guys who were interested, because they all wanted a "nice" conservative girl with good values. Yes, I made mistakes, at least I did not sleep around, I am not a virgin, but I lost it to two other men whom I really really loved, but at the end I realised they were not the ones I wanted to get married to so I gave them back their freedom to find someone who wants to get married since I thought I was not ready for marriage till I'm 30, and now I got married and I'm turning 27. No you a very very wrong, I did not lie because I wanted to get married; I lied because I love him and I did not want to brake his trust. I don't want him to think back of my ex's and picture me with them; I wanted a clean brake, me and the one I loved.

Reply to Coola
Posted by: Jaz | 2005/11/22

I think he is being extremely childish. The things you did before you met him actually is none of his business. He married you because he loved you, or did he just marry you because he thought you were a virgin?? If that is the case I would tell him to get lost............

Reply to Jaz
Posted by: hohoho | 2005/11/22

talk about desperation. why did you lie? just to get married? shucks. look at you now? miserable.

if you want to walk away do that if you think it is going to help anything but it seems to me as though you will be creating another past another possibility for another lie to another man especially if you become that desperate to be married.

Reply to hohoho
Posted by: Male23 | 2005/11/22

Do not have sex before marraige....

Reply to Male23
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/22

You shouldnt have lied, but now you did...so you must take it from there.

I think you should ask him why your exes are so important to him, as they are not to you. And you see no point to talk about them at all, cuz they have nothing to do with you guys.
its an easy way to close that kind of discussions.


For sum reason, it is natural to be abit jelous of ex's. I think so anyway. most people are.....
I mean i certainly have no interest to know every lil detail of my husband's ex's.....I dont want those images in my head. EeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeW.

But to be abit jelous, and to be stupid are two different things.

Just make sure he knows he is the only one for you.
Cuz he seems abit insecure

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Zee | 2005/11/22

Coola, your hubby sounds very imature. Did he only marry you because he thought you he was the only man you had slept with in your life?? In my oppinion your past has no relation to your relationship/marriage.

I think you were also wrong for lying about your past sex life, you should have been honest with him from the begining, atleast you would have found out then that your hubby wants "virgin Marry".

Reply to Zee

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