Our expert says:
This is a common and very frustrating problem in long term relationships. I take it that your wife also feels that the rest of the relationship is good...? It's always worth checking out that the reduction in sexual interest is about loss of libido alone, and not due to other relationship, health or social factors.
If it is simply that she has lost libido - sexual appetite, perhaps you can motivate her to understand your perspective by using an analogy. Sexual appetite is similar to our appetite for food - her lack of sexual hunger and consequent restrictions on the sexual relationship are a little like someone saying 'I'm not hungry, so here, have a sandwich for supper', and now, 'you don't appreciate the sandwiches anymore, so I'm not making you any at all'. Now this is just a way of trying to get her to see a slightly different perspective, of course there are very important differences...but if you were to put this scenario to her and see how she would feel about being in that position, that might be less 'confrontational'. To continue the analogy - I'm not suggesting that she should cook 'full meals' for you whether she is hungry or not (in other words, you can't expect full-on intimate lovemaking all the time), but that it would be nice once in while if she made the effort for you and that sandwiches or even a snack you make yourself would give many more options for some of your needs to be met some of the way.
Following on from the above point, perhaps you could also ask her what she would like more or less of in the relationship (not likely to be sexual - could be a lie-in, could be that you rub her feet, could be you pick her some flowers, whatever) that would make her know that you are also wanting to work to meet her needs more.
Hope that's helpful.
Claire - SASHA
For further information please consult SASHA’s website at www.sexualhealth.qw.co.za/dru For referral to a professional in your vicinity, please send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org
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