Posted by: Anon | 2008/07/23

Separating my pst from present

Hi CS and everybody, hope you' re all doing well today. I' m in a bit of a sticky situation myself, I need you to help me understand something please, I recently started seeing a very good man and things were going well between us until we met my ex boyfriend. I will quote him, he said he doesn' t understand why a young and good beautiful woman like myself would go out with an older man like that who' s not even good looking, he said that he felt dirty I think I now disgust him,thing is i never lied to him about my past, not that I was a prostitute or anytihng like that, I didn' t go out with this older guy because of money or anything material, it' s one of those unlikely connections that did happen and I couldn' t change that chapter of my life even if I wanted. I only dated one older guy in my life it' s not like I had a string of them, would it make a difference if he saw my younger and cuter ex boyfriends, i' m really failing to understand why he' s judging me based on my past like this, does this mean he probably doesn' t care for me as much as he claims to. My older EX is not the best looking male around but I looked beyond that, I saw a person behind the " ugly"  looks, i don' t even think he' s ugly but this guy talks about him like a weird creature from another planet.

I' m really in total shock, I tried to explain that I never intended to go out with a man that much older than me, but even if I did that was my choice right? I really don' t understand what wrong I did here, it' s like I suddenly have some contageous disease he' s deadly afraid to catch, he refused to see me yesterday, avoided my calls most of the day,he called me later expressing his disgust toward me for having being with my ex, am I missing something here? Does this automatically scratch me the off the dateable list amongs guys my own age? I stayed up all night last night trying to figure out what it is i really did wrong, I cannot change my past even if I wanted, He said that he wonders what kind of a person i reall am, does that really make me a bad person? I never lied about anything...he knows I dated someone older at one stage in my life, he' s also dated older women but claims they were pretty and didn' t look their age? I really don' t want to lose this guy but how do I even begin to convince him that my past is just that, MY past I' m still the same person, i' m generally a happy person, i walk around with a smile every day no matter what circumsatnce but this threw me off, I don' t mind losing but only if the game was fair, this time around I feel cheated because I lost before I even laid eyes on him,my past had already happened when he came into my life. I feel he' s being unreasonable judging me based on the looks, age, race and religion of someone I dated. What do I do now, i feel so helpless i think he' s making a big mistake throwing what we have away because of one silly " mistake"  in the past

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why on earth do you even listen to the jealous and ignorant opinions of your EX ( who is presumably your ex with good reason ) ? Why consider him important enough to listen to ? Why should you feel you have to jusify yourself to him ? What on earth is so "good" about your ex, who sounds vain and prejudiced ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon#2 | 2008/07/23

Dear Anon, please stop questioning yourself and trying to erase your past - why on earth should you apologise for being able to see more in people than just their appearance?

You say that this new boyfriend is a " good"  man - what do you base that on? He is disrespectful of older people (making them sound weird!) and disrespectful of you - trying to make you feel strange about any previous relationship.
I think that you may be a very lucky girl - I think that you may have stumbled upon quite a serious character flaw in this new boyfriend - he sounds critical and controlling. To even use the word " disgusting"  in this regard means that he is crossing a very serious boundary and has already succeeded in making you doubt yourself and question your entire dating past and future. My advice, having dealt with many abusers in my own past, is leave - and RUN, don' t walk.

See, you might get him to understand why this particular conversation was hurtful and he may even apologise, but the thinking process that led him to judge someone else purely on their age and looks - and then gave him the freedom to use his words like a razor on you - that process will only be changed by a shrink. If you aren' t a shrink - RUN.

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