Posted by: Foxybrown | 2007/06/13

Selfish desires vs compromise...

Hi not posted for a while, mainly because I’ve been so busy marinating the above-mentioned issue in my head.

Sometime ago I decided I was ready to date again and came out of my four year hiatus (necessitated by great melodrama in my personal life). Suffice to say the script involved the following plots – 1) boyfriend sleeps with girlfriend’s two best friends (after proposing to her), 2) boyfriend leaves the country without advising 3) boyfriend bolts on news of pregnancy (after a 3 yr relationship) and proposes to someone else within days. This summarises my past three relationships.

I took four years out to get my head right and focus on being the best single mother I can. But earlier this year i decided I would dare date again. And it’s a jungle out there.

What happened to basic ‘dating 101’? I have gone on a couple of dates and some of my dates think I'm so deeply grateful to secure a dinner or lunch invitation, I will necessarily want to follow this up with lusty sex. It’s either that misconception or the idea that as long as they are very interested in me, my degree of interest in THEM matters not a jot. What I mean by this is that I have gone out on a couple of dates and not been particularly interested in seeing the individual again. This is met with great confusion by said individual, especially if he is expressing a desire to embark on a relationship.

Have I have totally lost touch with the dating scene; am I not aware that these days - esp as a 33yr old single mother - you take what u can get? I ask myself if I am maybe being excessively fussy. But the truth is I don’t feel any sort of ‘drive’ when I go on these dates. What happened to passion, excitement, butterflies, flushed cheeks, pounding heart etc? I want this again. Am I living in la-la land to want this again, am I like a woman waiting to catch the morning bus to work - at 16h30?
Just yesterday at Village Walk shopping centre I saw the most beautiful man I have ever seen. It was not so much his looks as his aura. The reaction he generated in me is exactly the effect I miss. Who knows, he may have been an absolute pig of a man but I appreciated the effect he had on me. I am not obsessive about looks, it is the overall effect a man has on me that I crave. The aura.
I know thudding-heart passion fades but should it not be there in the initial stages at least? I don’t think I’ve come back to the dating scene too soon (four and a half years?) and if much has changed since then, I need to know. Is it good enough to date someone because they are polite and not because you crave being near them?

Perhaps another four years’ contemplation may help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi fb ! GOod to hear from you again. Gosh, those last 3 relationships were not the makings of happiness, but superb material for a soapie --- amazing how despite our best efforts, life often is stranger than fiction ! Thansk for some thought-provoking observations.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shae | 2007/06/14

Interesting topic.

Perhaps its got something to do with the instant gratification age we live in? I find the same problem with men and the whole dating thing. Not only do they almost ungraciously instantly accept my offer of going dutch (not that i mind but hey it would be nice to meet a guy with some good ol' fashioned chilvalry). Usually they end up wanting to slobber over my face and grope my behind with some muttering about how they knoe how to please a woman. Good grief, give me a break and a panado.

Reply to Shae
Posted by: Joy | 2007/06/14

What a pleasure having you back, even if just temporarily. I think it's great that at least you know that men (or the beautiful one at the mall) are still able to evoke that emotion in you. That in its own is a plus! You're not so completely put off by your past experiences that NO man is able to move you at all. But as you well know, the initial butterflies fade and sparks die out, and a couple of months down the line he farts under the duvet, burps and leaves his socks on the floor just like the rest of them! I say find / date the man that makes you blush so that later the MAN in him doesnt bug you as much! Good luck!!

Reply to Joy

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