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Posted by: Impaired | 2004/10/15

Self-worth impaired, almost gone

I'm married, 7 years in May 2005, and I have a precious 5 year old son. My life, however, is in total turmoil, I am so confused I really wouldn't mind having a car accident and dying. I attempted suicide before by swallowing pills. Wrong combination, I just ended up sleeping for 3 days solid.
I HATE that I failed, when I came around it was the most disappointed I've ever felt in my life. I cried and wouldn't stop. Then my son came to hug me and I've never tried anything like that again... but I feel so useless that I actually think that even he will be better off without me. I know it's wrong, I know it, but I cannot bring myself to carry on this way.
I met my husband while he was living with his girlfriend of 2 years, we worked together and started an affair. She moved out a few weeks later, and I moved in. I got pregnant after about 3-4 months after that (I never thought I could ever have children, and it didn't bug me because I never wanted kiddies anyway), surprise surprise. He was estactic about it, I was shocked.
We got married a month later, in court, he wanted to get married a.s.a.p.
We both applied for a job in the Cpt branch and he got it, so about
2 weeks after we're married we move from Jhb to Cpt, move in with his parent's in their 2-bedroom flat. He wanted me to stay at home, but no, I work for a living thank you very much. Got a great job, where I just kept getting better and better and put in alot of hard work.
After maternity leave I was given a permanent job at the same company, and started earning more than my husband, who was a team leader. That's when it started, the better I did, the more violent the fights got, punching me, pulling and throwing me. He would flirt with other women in front of me and make me feel like dirt. He said that if I couldn't perform (sexually) there were others out there who would. At a dinner one evening he told me that he had actually cheated on every single one of his girlfriends... and he said it with pride. But I musn't worry, because he's changed now.
I went to a new job because the dept. was made redundant, I told them I didn't want more money, so then it evened out and he started earning more than me (sigh of relief). The 1st time I'm invited to a rugby box in my life I bring my husband along, and he devastates me with a comment of "he knows enough women who could get him invited to a rugby box, so I musn;t think I'm doing anything special by having him invited along". He pushes me and we get into the lift where he beats me up so badly he breaks his own hand. Work on Monday morning and I've got for the first time signs all over my face of his rage and anger. The company is embarassed, there were clients there that saw part of this incident. I am left alone, no-one talks to me anymore, no-one invites me along to anything anymore, I am isolated. He tells people at his office that he fell off a ladder, they laugh, they never know the truth. He's job is a-ok, and he's socialising more and wining and dinign with the executive, and me...? I looked for another job, put on a brave face, and got a new one a year later. Great a new start, I can do this. We celebrate our 5th anniversary by re-newing our vows, huge celebration, all famliy there. The day after he flirts with my sister, and says that "I must get used to the fact that I am not where the party is at, and she is". I lost it - had a nervous breakdown, and tried to drive a knife straight into my chest. The whole neighbourhood was there, and helped stop me. Walked into work after the anniversary weekend with a severely bruised hand - and questions I couldn't answer. I was so depressed, my boss offered me time off, but I refused, I am strong. He stopped hitting me the day I hit back and threw everything in my reach at him, incl. a table. It's been about a year now, but I'm too strong to be hit, so the soul-destroying insults get worse : I'm a retard, people don't like me, I'm too jealous because I won't let him have female friends. I've tried to leave, he begs me to stay. I physically move out and he begs me to come back. I'm trying desperately to get my mindet back - I read motivational stuff all the time, set goals, get myself back. Things were going well for a while. He's now asking me to understand that he wants female friends because he already knows everything about me and we have nothing to talk about anymore. He invites all his friends around all the time, so he doesn't have to spend time with me and his son. We're irritating him increasingly, he can barely tolerate us. So I'm making plans to leave him, he's so devastated. He wants me and we must sort through all our issues and stay together. Considering what I've been through, and who he is, I will not be around if he insists that he must have female friends. Simple. I know what he did to his ex, I know that female friends in his book don't stay just friends. He wants me to understand, and he wants us to stay together. Am I being paranoid by not allowing female friends? Am I being the typical jealous insecure wife? Or should I just say, fine, have them? And die inside more and more. Why does he want to stay with me if he doesn't want to spend any time with me, and needs other females to supplement? I'm so confused and my spirit has been killed. I've tried to be strong, why is the opposite happening, I'm just getting weaker and more confused. Help, can anyone help with answers I can't find?

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Our expert says:
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Imp, very obviously, you both need and deserve, an early assessment by a good local psychiatrist and discussion of treatment options for your chronic and severe Depression, AND counselling to work on this needlessly low self-esteem. Then, you are describing a husband who is a pathetically inadequate little creep, and abusive. Leave him and ignore his snivelling to come back. Call POWA for advice on how to leave most safely, and protect your interests. You have been under-reacting, not over-reacting. Everything you describe about him, is abusive. You're worth a million of him and his whole species, look after yourself and your son.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: ???? | 2004/10/18

if you leave him you have a chance of being happy. You stay - no happiness.
You have one life only. Remember greatest risk in life IS NOT TAKING A RISK.
Goodluck!!

Reply to ????
Posted by: Desiree | 2004/10/15

Dear Impaired
I have grown up in a household just like yours. I am now married with children of my own, and my mother, to this day, is still being abused. She has had no life, and today, she has no will to live. She has left him hundreds of times, but goes back when he begs and promises to change. Now she says she's old, had her life, and doesn't want to be a burden to her kids. I hardly have contact with her, because of him, and i have very little sympathy for her. I know this is wrong of me, but she has allowed him the power that he has over her, and she also allowed him to do whatever he wanted to her children as she was so scared of him. Don't let your child grow up like this. you can't even begin to imagine what effect this has on him. And for yourself, don't you think you deserve better? You deserve a life full of love, laughter, tender moments, appreciation, and really, you don't neccesarily need a man for that. Don't give him power over you. he is not God. I know it's hard, but do it for yourself and your child.

Reply to Desiree
Posted by: always b positive | 2004/10/15

Im not one for divorce and all but let me tell you I have a sister-in-law who has gone through the same thign as you...

Only problem is that she kept going back to him and it never got any better, we treid talking to her and prayed for her eventually she made the right choice and left him and is raising her little girl(2)on her own , and She is coping amazingly well and is actually Happy for a change.

You are such a blessing to your child dont think of giving your life up again as he really needs you! He too deseves a happy life and its all in your hands.

Your husband doenst appreciate you and treats you like dirt, you are such an amazing woman to have put up with such a tough situation...a husband is supposed to love cherish and support his wife in every way... You can survive on your own and beleive in yourself not in the lies he is feeding you as he is insecure and is an unhappy man who lust after women why else would he be jealous of your income and have flings with woman ect ect. thats why he says such ugly things about you. BE STRONG and know you have so much to offer in life and if he is not willing to change his ways and treat you like wife should be treated ...then there is no reason for you to stay and continue to let him abuse you! Be careful though abusers will lie to keep you too.

Its not going to be easy but just think in a few months time you CAN settle down for your child and yourself and start buliding a HAPPY, blessed lifestyle, trust me Ive seen it first hand with my sister-in-law! God bless

Reply to always b positive
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/15

Get out girl. He might have stopped the hitting but once he has you completely broken down mentally it will start again believe you me. You must take your worth back, you sound tough and have endured a lot, so you can take that step and get out of there, it ain't worth it, not for you or your son. Your son will learn not to respect you, remember the first 7 years are the formative years and there ain't much left, so give him some good time too, something nice to remember, not his mothers humiliation.
Get out and get away, no forwarding address, no contact. He is going to make it very difficult, but hang in there and believe in yourself. You are worthy, look at what you accomplished by finding a new job each time, doing better than him, etc. You can and you must. Sorry. Take care and Good luck.

Reply to Beyond Tired
Posted by: JM | 2004/10/15

I totally agree with the rest. Leave him. A person can only endure so much...and think about you and your kids future.

Good luck!

Reply to JM
Posted by: RD | 2004/10/15

I ALSO THINK YOU MUST GET OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, YOU DONT NEED TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS BY ANYONE. JUST TAKE YOUR SON, CUT ALL TIES, YOUR SON ALSO DOESNT HAVE TO WITNESS SUCH ABUSE. GOOD LUCK

Reply to RD
Posted by: lulu | 2004/10/15

And your question is??

GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP!

Even if you only do it for your child... Abuse carries on in children of abuse. Up to you to break the cycle.

Reply to lulu
Posted by: A | 2004/10/15

LOLI - Back off you idiot - she came here for help not to get critisized - she is not the abuser in this relationship.

Have you ever been in her shoes?

Get lost!!

Reply to A
Posted by: Loli | 2004/10/15

What the hell are you still doing there? I'm sorry but you deserve every little insult you get.

Reply to Loli
Posted by: A | 2004/10/15

I cannot believe what I have just read - you sound like an intelligent, motivated female, who can survive on her own. Why do you need him - he just makes you miserable and then when you pick yourself up he kicks you down again? Its all about control - that is why he stopped hitting you when you hit back finally. You will do eventually get degraded into nothing and your son will be witness to it. You also sound like financially you could go on your own with your son? What is stopping you? Is it the rut that you are in that you cant change or are you just used to getting beaten up and dont know any better. Is the humiliation worth it?

Please - take your son - pack up and leave this bastard - you are not an overjealous wife - NO ONE I know would respect a man that has girlfriends all over the place - lay down the law - tell him you are going and get out while you still can.

I cant believe you have endured 7 years of this.

Please listen to what the others say here - you are worth more than what this a-hole is doing to you.

I hope you find the strength to do what is in your heart already

Reply to A

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