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Question
Posted by: Nkoko | 2007/12/04

Self Esteem and abuse

Hi Everyone
WHY DO WE LOSE OUR SELF ESTEEM? I've been a victim of emotional abuse, and I lost mysel. My self esteem became zero. My husband blamed me for everything. Whenever we argued he'll tell me oh I don't even know why I married you, I need a divorce. Divorce is long overdue in this marriage. And I succumbed to the abuse. I'll cry and beg him not to and he used this phrase until he had an affair. Another thing is he used to tell me often "you are fat you need to lose weight otherwise I'll go outside and find someone who I can have sex with cause I don't like fat people.
"Your family should come 2nd in this marriage, my family is our priority number 1". And he had an affair. I went for therapy and thank God I regained myself, I found me. And I told him that he made me lose myself with his put downs and him threatening our marriage. He laughed and said you blame me why you didn't have confidence. Maybe your parent didn't do something right. Don't blame me, the reason I mentioned divorce many times it's because it was on my mind and divorce is a chioice. When I told him what about the fact that you used to tell me that I should lose weight and then turn around and had an affair with a much bigger woman, he said well that's your fault because you are the one who used to tell me that you want to lose weight.
He didn't understand why I said he made me lose my self esteem, and I know he did. Do we lose our self esteem because we are weak or because of the put downs we get from the people we love and admire?

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Our expert says:
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Its hard to maintain self-esteem when an abuser is, subtly and cruedly, battering at your self-esteem and trying hard to drag you down to their level. I'm so pleasd to hear that you had the wisdom to go for therapy and to rediscover yourself. This sort of cowardly man never bullies anyone he thinks is stronger than he is, and never takes responsibility for anything he does. But maybe you need to go further in therapy, to learn more about your admirable qualities, and to consider divorce for your own sake, as you deserve better than a guy who behaves like this. As Lolo says, don't give him a second chance to drag you down.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nkoko | 2007/12/05

Thanks everyone for your wisdom, yes I'm still married to this guy and now he knows his boundaries cause I let him know. I told myself never again will I be manipulated by him, I see him for what he really is now. And I give myself time everyday to remember who I am and what I'm made of. The last time he mentioned divorce to me I said to him the courts are open why don''t you go there and start the proceedings and that was the last time I heard him mention it. Right now I'm so proud of myself.

Thanks Again CS and All of you!!

Reply to Nkoko
Posted by: Ingiphile | 2007/12/05

He is such a looser, he doesn't know how to treat a woman. He doesn't deserve to be married to such a wonderfull person like you, he suppose to be alone & lonely until he comes to realazation that women are God given gifts to be treat with respect&love. I also think that he might be jelaous of you - he want you to think that you are not good enough, you are not beautiful and that he did you a favor by marring you coz noone else could have. Don't concerntrate on his critics just put your head up and know that you are 2x a woman.

Reply to Ingiphile
Posted by: Lolo | 2007/12/05

You went therapy before and you regained your wellbeing, girl don't let him destroy you for the second time, stand up still u don't want to go for therapy again.

some people when they are wrong they never admit, instead they turn things around and you'll just feel guilty not knowing why, stop apologising for things u didn't do, you'll become a victim.

now stand up for yourself, weight gain can also be because you are stressed. don't just eat anytime when u crave something eat when you are hungry but have a class of water before food, make sure u relax a lot.

love yourself for who you are you'll see everything will come together, spoil yourself don't depend on him to be happy.

stand up strong and defend youself if u can.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: Hope* | 2007/12/05

Just out of interest. Are you still married to him, and if not, who started divorce proceedings. If you are still married, did the therapy make you strong enough to handle his abusive personality?

Reply to Hope*

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