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Question
Posted by: GUY | 2004/11/14

SELF ESTEEM

HI, THIS MIGHT SOUND DUMB, BUT I REALLY WANT HELP ON THIS SUBJECT.

I DON'T SEE MYSELF AS AN ATTRACTIVE GUY, AND THIS IS AFFECTING
MY SOCIAL LIFE.
I CAN'T WORK UP THE " GUTS ", FOR LACK OF A BETTER WORD,
TO STRIKE UP A CONVERSATION WITH WOMAN I FIND ATTRACTIVE.
I AM TOLD THAT I AM VERY ATTRACTIVE, BUT STILL DON'T SEEM TO BELIEVE
IT.
HOW CAN I IMPROVE MY SELF-IMAGE AND CONFIDENCE.

P.S. REALLY NOT INTERRESTED IN ANY "SELF-HELP BOOKS OR COURSES"

THANX.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, I dont believe in courses, either, as its years since I found one that profited the audience more than the speaker ! SOME self-help books actually do help, if they're well-written ( most are not ) well informed ( most are not) and if you actually work hard at them.
But, excuding that route, the other good alternative would be counselling, one-to-one, with a good local counsellor, to help yopu understand better why your own image or yourself is so much less than what anyone else would see or think of you, and to change this in the direction of appropriate self-confidence. I think you'll find, after the weekend, when the majority of our readers return, that many women aren't looking for a guy with terrific looks, but a nice warm, friendly personality, who is actually genuinely interested in them and will listen --- all things you're probably rather good at. It's not needed for you to say something awesomely cool and clever, but to be a better listener than the other guys around ( and that's not hard to achieve !).

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: guy | 2004/11/28

thanx guys. really appreciate the opinions i got from you.

Reply to guy
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/15

Hi Guy,

You got quite good responses & hints above, but I would also like to suggest you take time to read posting number 12646 on attractiveness. I think Liza gave a quite good opinion there.

I would also like to add that you stop thinking whether you are attractive or not, & just try concentrate your efforts on thinking good of you. Start thinking that some woman may very well be wanting you to talk to her so badly, but she may look at you & see your "hesitant" or "unconfident" air about you, & this may make her re-think about approaching you.

Also, I would say stop asking others whether they think you're attractive or not. Think about your own features & look in the mirror & take pride in what you see. Take that little effort to accentuate those features that you are happy about. It may be something quite small, like the way you smile, or the look in your eye when you smile, or maybe even the way you lift you brow, anything that makes you feel special & individual. You owe to your self, & most definitely to that woman who may very well be looking at you right now with a smile on her face...

Take care man. Your approach has a way of projecting to others your approachability.

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Zeena | 2004/11/14

Your problem might not be as serious and debilitating as you think. Usually people with such low self-esteem -- as you think you have -- concentrate far too much on themselves: how they might come across, sound and look, or whether they are saying the right thing or whether others are laughing at them. Of course this is almost never the case.

If you could "persuade yourself" -- perhaps with the professional help as suggested by Shrink -- to approach others (e.g. girls!) as if THEY are the shy ones, and YOU are the person with confidence, you will find that a conversation comes more easily. As far as approaching a girl goes, remember that "less is more!" A smiling greeting, meeting her eyes for a second. Maybe just a wide smile. A non-threatening, safe introductory sentence: "Mind if I sit here?"

If you are then paralysed with uncertainty, so be it. Your silence might intrigue many women, who might then take the conversation further. A shy, attractive man is most attractive!

If you only knew, oh boy, if you only realised that 80% of young people (no matter how noisy they may sound in a group) are actually shy and just as uncertain as you. They simply express it in other ways -- like going about in tight little groups, or being a little too loud at parties to cover their insecurity.

I'm glad I'm not young any more! As you don't know me, I can say this: I was very pretty, had long black hair and a perfect bikini figure (I can see that now in old photographs). At the time I had NO self-confidence. To cover up, in public and on campus I walked with my shoulders thrown back and my chin in the air, so as to look "forbidding" or very confident, because I was terrified a man might talk to me, and I wouldn't know how to talk back with ease. Then I heard that I was seen as stuck-up and haughty. That demolished me even further, of course. I improved with time and learnt to relax and forget about myself a little.

Another foolproof way of "approach" once the initial "hello" is over, is to ask the other person about herself. Where do you come from? What do you do? Not personal things too quickly, like what beautiful eyes she has. Safe things. Good luck.

Reply to Zeena

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