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Question
Posted by: fin/ex | 2005/11/21

self belief gone

i have no idea what's wrong with me - if i have a few drinks i am full of beans and the life and soul of the party. but dead cold sober i am awkward, dont enjoy myself and well a bit of a wall flower. i feel really nerdish and uncomfortable in my skin etc. my new friends are always encouraging me to do things to be more dressy, to wear more make up and do my hair differentloy etc but i am quite a plain jane - or at least that's what my ex always used to say i am. today i got all dressed up for the first time in a long long time, did my heair differently and my make up and even wore a dress with heels and no one recognised me and were all raving but i just didn;t feel comfortable. how does someone start building their self confidence again? i sometimes just want to blend in to the walls hence my normal casual underdressed look, ponies an dno make up. i dont actually want anyone to notice me. why why why. it feels like a my self confidence i have been tryin to regain after my past history - destructive ex etc has just vanished and i am that wimpering unsure of herself woman again. how did i lose the plot. how do i get back on track...
ii fought hard for my sanity, t get back on track and now i feel like i am losing it...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello fin/ex,
I guess we can all manage to be a plain jane, if we insist on doing so --- but that's a temporary description of a temporary state, not a life sentence. Sounds like there's a degree of social anxiety here, hence wanting to be unattractive and to go unnoticed, as if somehow you don't deserve to be noticed and admired. You have your sanity, but you haven't recovered your ability to find joy in life and with others, yet.
Now, Yum has more of a point than you might think, as there is indeed some evidence that if you fake it in a good direction, your mood and feelings may follow your behavioural lead.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/21

I'm a plain jane too?
And NOTHING wrong with it!!!
I tried the fancy dressup sexy look, just not me.
Lotsa compliments, but i am too tight-up then.
i like the plain relaxed look & feeling.

I honestly think you want to listen to too many people.
Forget about people.
Remember, they dont pay your bills, you owe them nothing.

And your friends must accept you the way you are, or go to hell. What makes them so important to tell you what you must wear etc? Why must you fake anything if you are uncomfortable..... to suit others!!!!!??? Not worth it....

be yourself.
If you are a quiet introvert, then be that.
If you are a party animal, then be that.
but be YOU!!
and if you dont know who you are, just know how & where you you comfortable without being influanced from people.
Listen to yourself & your heart
THEN you will be confident, cuz you will know you are true to yourself!
Confidence is when you dont live to suit others.

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Yum | 2005/11/21

Fake it! Even if you don't feel it, fake it. Even when it feels uncomfortable and like you're in someone else's skin, fake it.
In other words, it means that even when you have that urge to want to crawl back into your shell, you have resist it, suck it up and try to exude as much confidence as you possibly can.

It does not necessarily mean that you have to be the life of every party and that you have to always be flamboyant or overdone. Just have enough confidence in yourself to want to enhance your good features. I'm sure you have many great features, physical and personality-wise. It may feel a bit uncomfortable and strange at first, but fake the confidence for a while. Really resist the urge to blend into the background. Look at someone you admire and copy them. Afterwards, the compliments from everyone around you become easier to believe. Most people don't give compliments unless they mean them. And then, once the compliments become easier to believe, take a good look at yourself from an outsider's point of view and give yourself credit that there are a great many things about yourself that are fantastic.

And forget about that lousy ex-boyfriend. Like you said, he's disappeared. Do you think he's even given a second thought to the effect that his unkind and tactless words have had on your life, on your self-esteem? Don't let one person do that to you. Its your life and its up to you to make a change. He's not going to live it for you.

Reply to Yum

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