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Question
Posted by: qwertyui | 2004/11/29

Seeing the ex tonight need strengh please help

Hi All,

I broke up with My GF of 2 years 2 weeks ago. I love her very much but we seem to argue too much which makes me think we are incompatible, It has been hard leaving her and tonight she asked me if she could bring her PC around for me to fix. I agreed reluctantlly as It will be difficult for me to refuse her. She has been playing emotional black mail with me telling me if I don't come back to her she will be intimate with another man which obviouslly hurts like hell, Allthough she has often used these tactics in the past to get me back with her.

I will try and not sleep with her tonight but could someone please give me some advice.

I am very nervous. I suppose the only reason I would take her back is because I don;t want to have to deal with the pain of her becoming a stripper or being involved with some one else.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

qwerty, I don't believe that any relationship in which one partner uses emotional blackmail on the other, is successful in the mong0term, or even medium-term. Surely make certain that you don't give in to the blackmail, and don't sleep with her tonight. Tell her you can't fix the computer at all, or at least that you can't fix it with the distracton of anyone else there --- ten let her drop it off and tell her you'll call and tell her when it's fixed so she can pick it up. Then Fix the computer and help her to load it back into her car and say goodbye. If she might really become a stripper or sleep with other men just to spite you, she's a woman very well worthwhile being without ! The pain of parting is nothing compared to the pain she is likely to continue to inflict on your throughout any relationship you allow such a person to have with you.
A door needs to be open or shut. Either break up and keep it broken up ( probably the best option ) or if you really can't resist her, consider re-uniting only after the pair of you have worked for some time in relationship-counselling to see if the problems can be worked out.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maggie | 2004/11/29

What makes you think she would become a stripper and the reality is that now you have broken up she will have sex with someone else and you know what SO WILL YOU. And in time you will forget her eyes and her laugh and her smile and then the butterflies will go from your stomach and one day you will be in a shopping centre and you will not recognise her, believe you me I know it happened to me, he said hello and I looked at him as if he were mad (who was this stranger) anyway when I finally realised I acknowledged the greeting and went on my merry way, we weren't compatible as lovers, we definitely wouldnt be as friends. But you need to keep the distance to heal. It is still very early days, so CHIN UP!!! oh and try and get her out the house as quick as possible before something makes an appearance

Reply to Maggie
Posted by: qwertyui | 2004/11/29

Derscisions descisions,

Shrink what do you say?

Reply to qwertyui
Posted by: lulu | 2004/11/29

Don't want to be a buzz kill, but I've had this experience with a relationship similar to yours:

Brother was caught up in a marriage not going too well for 9 years. He wanted out often and even left a few times. Went back everytime because sis-in-law threatened to kill herself if he doesn't. She always attempted, but never succeeded...until four weeks ago tomorrow. )o:

My advice: Be realistic about your relationship. If you love her and she wants you back, maybe consider councelling. Arguing is never fun, but also not the sole reason for ending a relationship. If it's worth saving, rather work on the arguing.

If you don't want her back and need to get over her, stop encouraging contact. Tell her how you feel and also tell her not to contact you again.

Good luck!

Reply to lulu
Posted by: aks | 2004/11/29

Do you really want out of this relationship because you argue a lot?
Don't you still love this lady?
Would you be happy seeing her with another man, being successful and maybe getting married?

Reply to aks
Posted by: qwertyui | 2004/11/29

Thanks for the good words guys,

Your right I need to get out of this. Shit it can be tough, But hey will just pick up my riffel and keep marching

Reply to qwertyui
Posted by: Qobelo | 2004/11/29

dude you have not broken up with this girl. in fact you two just LOVE EACH oTHER. There is no emotional blackmail here she is simply going after what she wants (you) and what is rightfully hers. there is nothing wrong with that. why did you two break up? because you argue too much? argh sies maan did you want to date a doormat somebody without her points of views? or is it because you want your own word to stand and to get away with what you want? noways my brother. you love and want her she loves and want you. debate, arguments or disagreements are not bad at all in fact are showing that there is healthy diversity that if used properly in the relationship can really complement each other. what is important is when in arguements how do you conduct yourselves, that you can work on and can still go and seek counselling. there is nothing wrong in shouting and yelling at each other in a relationship, but how you do that and manage that is important and can be learnt. Do that and the shrink will help you look deep inside yourself and herself. you love and need each other. you are not jealouseas somebody purported just that there is a little more that each need to do to express your love to each other in a way that will be mutually appreciated. being different is not bad = diversity. Embrace that diversity otherwise you will end up with a girl or wife that is a "yes tata" or "yes my husband" and that will not be a challenging life at all.

Reply to Qobelo
Posted by: JM | 2004/11/29

Hi,

This girl definitely has the upper hand in this relationship (x relationship?).

Why break off the relationship if you love her?

Can't you go for counselling?

If you really, really want to opt out, then you have to cut all communication etc.

Phone he now and tell her, you are not able to help her with her pc, she must take it the a shop for repairs and she must also quit phoning you!

Did she tell you that she will become a stripper if you leave her?
That is still emotional blackmail.

You cannot take responsibility for her. All that I see, is a spoilt brat that can't do anything for herself and who enjoys being with you because you do everything for her and that is why she emotionally blackmails you coz she won't find anyone else that will do it for her.

Good luck!

Reply to JM
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/29

Hi Q,

I feel for you. This girl seems to know she has the upper hand on you & seems to be making good use of it.
Seems though that although you say you love her, you have real doubts & trust issue about her..
Anyway Q, only person that would be able to give yourself strength is YOU boet. Yes it does sound like she pulls emotional blackmail tricks with you, but remember, she does coz she knows she can. She sknows she can coz you allow her to.
All I can tell you is that if you want things to work out for you guys then make an asserted effort. But what you say here is that you want out. Well then just get out. If you don't want her to play emotional games with you, be assertively straight & honest & definitely stick to your word.
Also remember, sometimes coz we still harbour feelings for this person we use the word reluctant, to kinda imply that it wasn't what we really wanted but did it out of kindness. Fact is, you seem to already know how the night is going to turn out, so are you really "reluctant"??? What I'm saying is that if you really still like her but just want a roll in the sack just coz you do, then make sure you be honest with yourself & her. Let her know where you stand, & the repercussions. Let her know where you won't allow yourself to be, no matter how she nibbles your ear. Just don't allow your emotions to get involved where you know they shouldn't.

Sorry man, that's the best I can do. Easier said than done I know, & we all know what happens when Mr. Willy gets excited, all rationality kinda escapes... thats kinda what happens when we allow our emotions to take over...

Hang in there man (no pun intended).

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Kay | 2004/11/29

You are being blackmailed into having an ongoing relationship with someone I'm assuming you dont want to be with anymore. You have to break the hold she has on you. If she wants to have her PC fixed then I would suggest you tell her you cannot do it and she needs to make another plan - are you the only person who is capable of fixing it? You already know she is using it as an excuse to see you and probably hopefully get you back. You have to decide wether you want to get back together with her or not - if not then cut ALL ties. If she says she will sleep with another to hurt you then let her - if you are NOT serious about continuing a relationship with her then why let it get to you? I understand that hurt is involved but really you need to have the balls to either walk away or commit 100% -there is no grey area here. Just know that if you do go back she knows the power she has over you.

Nobody can force you to do something that you truly do not want to do.

Good luck.

Reply to Kay
Posted by: Zee | 2004/11/29


I dont think you ve made up ur mind about the breakup, otherwise you would not have allowed her to come so as to fix her computer. U know that this is strategy for her getting back at you.

I also think you are a jelous type, and you dont want to see her move on with her life, as you can't bear to see her with another man. If you have really broken up, this should not be a problem for u.

I think you should sit down with urself and figure out what u want. If u dont do this U ll hurt this girl and U are also wasting her time. Try to be honest with urself and then be honest with her. If u trully love her, You ll set her free to move on with her life.

Gud luck

Reply to Zee

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