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Question
Posted by: ME | 2006/11/13

SECRETS IN MARRIAGE

Hi there,

Pls help me. I have been married for 19 years. My husband is a wonderful man and a good father but I have a few concerns. Earlier this year I found some documentation from a Mens health clinic to show that my husband had been tested for erectile dysfunction. I had no idea. Together with this was a business card for a high class bordello. I was devastated. I decided to confront him as I believe that secrets are bad for a marriage and we have always been able to talk about everything (or so I thought) He was very angry that i had found the documents and became very defensive saying that he felt that there was something not right with him and that it was his problem to deal with and not mine. As for the business card he said that the receptionist at the office put it in with the papers. I left it at that but was very hurt that he felt he could not discuss this with me. Yesterday, while waiting for my husband in his car, I found a pack of Viagra (4 tablets, only 1 left) in his ashtray. I did not confront him as I wasnt too sure that that was what they were, so I came to work today and confirmed. I dont know what to do. If he is using them for our sex life why are they in his car. Is he having an affair. what do I say to him tonight when I go home, do I leave it or not. I still trust him as something in me tells me he is not having an affair, but why all the secrecy, I dont believe this does a marriage any good. How do I approach him.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

it's understandable that he was embarrassed and angry at your snooping to find what you found. But he is wrong ( though its not an uncommon perception ) to see his ED as HIS problem for HIM to deal with privately, rather than yours. Though medications can help a great deal these days, I wonder whether perhaps he saw some therapist with out-dated ideas about treating ED< who might have had some arrangement with the bordello for one of their staff to function as a sexual surrogate / co-therapist to help men with ED ? And this would be highly improper for any sex therapist to do, when the person being treated is married and has a willing spouse. As you say, Viagra is a logical med for him to use, but not in his car, if they're intended for your marital relationship.
But it sounds as though in a very clumsy and embarrassed way he is trying to deal with erectile problems without involving you ; which is far from the best solution. You'll need to approach him very gently and encourage him to understand that you are understanding and sympathetic and keen to help, but worried by the sececy and anger

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Our users say:
Posted by: ... | 2006/11/14

Me, i know x-ately how u feel, i found a pack of viagra in my mans workcase, in September and up and to date i havent confronted him, i dont know how. It hurt somedays more than other days, thank god i have a very busy lifestyle, actually both of us. I just dont know where he gets the time to do these things, cause i dont even have time to wipe my butttt twice if you know what i mean. Anyway i hope you find a way and i hope that God leads you through this situation. Good Luck

Reply to ...
Posted by: SR | 2006/11/13

Yes it is a case where communication has broken down and I would encourage you to break down any barriers which could have built up. Whether he is having an affair or not the slightest thing is going to make him shut down and not communicate. I would suggest that you approach the situation very cautiously and in a manner which would encourage him to share his feelings and eventually his behaviour

Reply to SR

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