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Question
Posted by: Rudderless | 2007/05/05

Secrets discovered

Hi all, Cybershrink...

My lady and I are planning to get married soon.. We been together 4 years and its all been good. Thing is, I accidently accessed her personal email via passwords that were 'saved' by the pc.. She had an affair last year on a 'trip' that was supposed to be business but they hooked up. She met him the previous year and stayed in touch closely enough to still be in touch now (thats a 2 year relationship!)..emails, those chat facility things..

I nearly couldnt breathe when i read the mails she wrote just a few weeks ago, signing them "love ..." etc.

Now I know I'm the dick for reading her email, but now what....I dont want to be in a relationship where my partner feels she can get away with this kind of thing....But she is the ONE! And we are wonderful together. I doubt I will feel this complete with another woman ever again..

I'm a rock solid guy normally, but right now I'm feeling like a crushed teenager.. The bubble has most definitly burst and suddenly the whole world, which was bathed in the glow of a beautiful life to be shared together, is now 3 shades of grey darker..

Do I end it or what??

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOu will still need to discuss this with her --- you can't break off the engagement without explanation, nor discuss it without revealing how you found thematerial, even if it had not been your intention to snoop. The affair was bad enough, but the continuing contact while engaged to you is troubling, and can't be ignored.
And though she has a right to be angry and concerned about you accessing her emails, don't let her turn the entire discussion into that, when the central problem is that she appears to have been, and possibly to remain, unfaithful and keeping secrets from you. Don't start with too many assumptions, including the assumption that she is unavoidably "the one", Explore, discuss, and decide with a cooler head after discusson

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: P | 2007/05/07

It is one thing if you neglected her or pushed her so far, and off course you wil have some fault in the relationship even if you have been positively working and bringing your side, we all have our mistakes.

But if you really are the innocent one in this relationship, and specially if what she did catches you unaware, it is a hell of a schock. As above said, find answers, but you will have to move on, and now and as time goes by, you are still going to feel as if she was the "one" but with time you will get it out of your system. There are wonderful people around whome we have not yet met up with. Going to take time before the pain has gone and also before you will again trust someone.

Sterkte!!

Reply to P
Posted by: M | 2007/05/07

Very difficult situation and know how you feel. My wife (now ex) also had an affair (3 that I know of now) and the general feeling is if they do it once they will do it again. My ex said it was easier the second time and this seems to be the norm. I would try make sure what definitely happened before taking any permanent decisions. Even though you feel she is the one now you do move on and things get better with time. Good luck it is not an easy time for you - emotional yo yoing is not fun.

Reply to M
Posted by: joe | 2007/05/07

it goes back to principles now, if you are me and you know you cannot cheat and you definately don't expect to be cheated and if that happens hard as it is, you leave...

Reply to joe
Posted by: Pearl | 2007/05/06

Rudder, I agree with Southernwrite about confronting her. The spanner has already been thrown in because you can't take back what you know. Also, I think you need to get all the facts straight before making a decision - when you make assumptions, that can lead to irrational thinking.

You both need to set some boundaries and perhaps you should make it clear that neither of you can look outside of the relationship for comfort. If you are to be married, you have to be able to trust one another. Another boundary that shouldn't be crossed is an invasion of privacy. You will both have to trust one another.

My advice is not to jump to conclusions and give her the opportunity to speak the truth. You can decisde from there. Although you feel she is "the one", you cannot let that cloud your judgement. Ask yourself what "the one" means to you because if she was unfaithful, you are saying that the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is one that has betrayed and hurt you. That would be selling yourself short because honesty in a relationship is not alot to ask.

You will have to make a decision either way but I think you have to allow yourself to get to the point where you know what you want out of a realtionship. See what happens when you confront her but honesty is important from both sides.

Reply to Pearl
Posted by: Southernwrite | 2007/05/06

Time to play open cards - if you spill the beans about reading her email she is going to be pretty pissed off with you and herself for bein ubfaithful and will use that prvacy invasion in her defence - if you dont tell her, than you are going to be pissed off with yourself for not sorting the issue out, and with her for betraying you - Its time to talk and take the consequences that goes with it for both of you - Good Luck !!!

Reply to Southernwrite

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