Posted by: Depressed matriculant | 2004/11/04

secret relationship gone bad...but why???

Hi guys,

I know this is a long story but plz read it and reply if u can- i desperately need advice!

I've been having a secret relationship for 6months with a boy who is almost 3yrs younger than me but who is very mature and intelligent. he's 15 and im almost 18. We live and do everything together as he and his mom and little brother are tenants in our home.

he is the perfect gentleman (im talking opening the car door and pulling out my chair for me type gentleman) and is extremely good-looking and has girls falling at feet, yet he doesnt have an ego about himself and worships the ground i walk on! But lately he lost interest in me and i think he may have feelings for someone although i dont have proof of this. he broke up with me because hes "not sure if he really loves me anymore but we should be friends". i was devastated and cried non-stop for 3hours because i felt so hurt and used!

after seeing me in such a state, he told me that he was sorry and that he made a mistake and still loves me. But i know that he just said it because he felt guilty about hurting me so much and making me cry.

There isnt a single thing that he has asked me to do 4 him that i havnt done, be it waking up at from my sleep at 3am to make him something to eat or sleeping at 6am the next morning after stressing over and doing his homework for him all night while he slept so peacefully. So why now does he feel this way about me? he was everything to me and was my pillar of strength because i dont have a mom. he is very sweet and good-natured as well as popular and loved dearly by all who know him. he is caring and would do anything for me.

I cant avoid him and cant get over him because we live together. He acts totally normal around me and still does the usual things for me that he used to like packing my lunch for me and making me coffee in the mornings. How do i get over the fact that the love of my life doesnt want me anymore? do i take him back? how do i repair the damage? what must i do or say?

I am seriously depressed and in the middle of my matric finals. i cant talk to any of my friends either because i've kept our relationship a secret from everyone. plz help!

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Our expert says:
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I'm sure it is difficult being in this situation especially as you share a home.

Whilst he has allowed you to do lots of things for him, you have also allowed yourself or chosen to do these things. 15 year old boys are developmentally at a less mature stage than an 18 year old girl and it sounds like he has been seeing the things you do as somewhat parental. Essentially it sounds like you have been 'mothering' him. You might find yourself doing this because your own mom is not around.

Right now it is impotant that you focus on your own needs. Your exams are important and are about your future, and you need to give your time over to studying. After that I think its important that you begin thinking about what kind of relationship you would like, where your needs are met. To be honest this is not likely to with a 15 year old, as to be fair to him you cannot expect him to like an 18 year old, even if he is mature for his age.

When your exams are over get out there and socialise, meet new people and find someone who you can have a more equal relationship. This way you will feel that both of your needs are being met.

Take care and good luck with your exams

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Our users say:
Posted by: Older woman | 2004/11/05

oops i meant 15...not 25 yrs old...

Reply to Older woman
Posted by: older woman | 2004/11/05

Hey honey,
gosh that is a tough one you are in but listen up...he is 25 after alland im sure its nice having a guy like you but i can promise you it wont last he is still growing up into a man a still learning about himself and sounds to me like he is using you BIG TIME...

You need to stop seeing him as "boyfriend" material and just a freind will be tough in the beginning but you need to do this. Also dont let it get to sex whats not what its about honey... it s supposed to be between tow peole who love each other and palns to hopefully sepnd ther lives together...anyways guys have a huge sex drive and just want to "releave themselves" and there you are being used and feel liek nothing.


Reply to older woman
Posted by: Depressed Matriculant | 2004/11/05

Thanx Big. Not exactly what i wanted to hear but i suppose you're right, i should just get on with my life. There was no sex involved but we came pretty close to it. It's still a mystery to me though why he would just suddenly change his mind for no apparent reason. I dont think he would ever cheat on a girl. His reputation is squeaky clean. If he loves someone, he loves them unconditionally. I guess im an exception though.

Thanx again, i really appreciate it.

Reply to Depressed Matriculant
Posted by: Big | 2004/11/05

No, No, No!
You are nuts girl! Do you as a 18 year old realy think a boy of 15 will stick by you. Hallo wake up.!! He is using you to do his dirty work. And you feel good, cause he gives you attention and even I feel great when a goodlooking man gives me attention, but I don't run to his becking call. You're still young, so lets say that is why you don't know, but believe me don't think he will be you're lover. Get other guys to come and visit and don't at all do the little shits homework, cause he knows what he is doing. And if there is sex involved in your relationship believe me he only wanted to try it out, feel what it's all about. Go on with your life and leave him alone.

Reply to Big

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