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Posted by: STEP MOM | 2007/03/30

SCARY STEP CHILDREN!

I am in total agony watching my husband with his children. he does so much for them yet they take him for granted and seem to lack basic likeable character traits like appreciation, concern, care and respect. They honestly don't seem to give a damn about him, they never even ask him how his day was. They are selfish, actually totally self absorbed and completely lack any form of consideration.
What make this so much worse is that my children are not like that at all and he can see and feel the difference. For example my daughter will give him and chocolate and a note to say thanks for being a dad and mom to her if I go away, or hug him good night and she is the first to plan a father's day surprise for him. He has been divorced from their mother for 10 years so most of their up bringing has been with her, is it her lack of parenting or example setting perhaps? His teenage daughter now lives with us because she hates her mother but wow this kid is hard work. No matter how much we reach out to her and set good examples she remains one of the most selfish, cold humans I have ever met. As long as she is ok, thats the attitude. i can see my husband is really struggling with his children's lack of showing that they care. What can I do to help him with this?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sad to hear this, SM, and it sounds as though various factors are at work here --- these children probably never, either within the marriage or since the divorce, saw the sort of basic consideration for others which your children did, so the very idea and manner of doing so may seem rather foreign to them. The teenage daughter should be gently made aware that she is doign nobody a favour by living with you, and needs to become more considerate of others --- and continue to show her, by example, how normal people manage to do so.
As Ness wisely points out, family counselling, eg through FAMSA, could be really useful for you all.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Theresa | 2007/04/02

Gracie, good for you, sorry you had such a crappy upbringing. I never had a stepmother and can't relate to such bad treatment but I believe what goes around comes around. Karma, so she is getting her just desserts today.

Maternal mothers can also be very abusive, especially if they came from emotionally deprived backgrounds and never worked through their past baggage. It seems that so many people have babies and children but don't deserve to be a mom or dad, they have no conception how to treat them.

Don't know if you have children, but if you do, hopefully you will know how you wanted to be treated as a child and how to give your children love and affection. There is a difference between discipline, setting boundaries and downright abusive treatment.

Reply to Theresa
Posted by: Gracie | 2007/04/02

We did not have one, but four different stepmothers whilst we were growing up and NOT ONE OF THEM could at any time be referred to as a "mother" to us, we were always treated badly by these women, my brother was 12 yrs old when my dad married the first stepmother, she used to take him into the garage and beat him with her fists and with an electric cord if he did not do what she told him to. The next one made my dad choose between her and his kids, needless to say, he put my youngest sister and I into a boarding school to please the bitch, one year later and she was history too! And so it carried on ---- are there any nice step-parents out there? I doubt it!!! Why should they love and care for another woman/man's child as if they were their own? The stepmother who made my dad choose got a bit of her own medicine - she spoiled her kids rotten, my dad was not allowed to discipline them at all - her oldest son turned out to be a crooked cop and the youngest one a drug addict who ended up in jail - where are we, the kids, she made my dad throw aside? We are all doing very well for ourselves, have stable lives, well-adjusted children etc!!! Where is she today? A lonely, miserable old woman who lost everything - she is alone in the world today, her one son died in a car accident and the other, the drug addict spends more time in jail than out!!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: Bobby B | 2007/03/30

CP Mom doesn't deserve to be a mom at all the way she behaves. You are a rough vindictive person. How on earth did you manage to adopt a child? If you can treat your bf's children the way you do, no wonder they have no respect for you. Before you can demand or expect respect from anyone, you need to respect yourself first. I suggest you enroll for STEP parenting course asap. You will be surprised how it will change your life and they way you react to those children and the way they relate to you.

Reply to Bobby B
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/03/30

Annie - It seems like CP Mom n Reader might also b da same person.... u do not hav 2 answer 2 them - this is a public forum - it does not belong 2 either of them.

Eschelle - Hav a nice weekend dear.

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/03/30

Sorry to dissapoint u CP Mom but I hav always been Lauren Auder ™ .... I only started posting about a month ago but always came 2 da forum 2 read da posts....

Stop sulking. just go home 2nite n change u'r attitude 2wards u'r stepkids , u'll c da difference

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/03/30

Okay, I have to interrupt - this is getting no one nowhere! So you all might as well stop this!

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: Annie | 2007/03/30

Reader/CPMum

I am one of the luckiest people alive.Very Blessed . No Anger.

But people must make their own lives happy --- Not whinge all the time.
If you are not CPmum read back , it's an education.

And the name is Annie NOT Anon

Reply to Annie
Posted by: Reader | 2007/03/30

Annie or Anon I feel sorry for you, why do you surf this site looking for CP postings so that you can go off at her ?

Why don't you rather work on your anger issues and why you are such an unhappy person?

Reply to Reader
Posted by: Annie | 2007/03/30

CP Mum

Don't you wonder why you upset people , I know you don't care , but everyone can't be wrong

Reply to Annie
Posted by: CP MOM | 2007/03/30

Dear L - many have tried - all have failed. Good luck!

You people hiding behind other nic's bore me......

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/03/30

Sticks n stones will hurt your bones but I hope our words will at least bring u 2 u'r senses

If life were a fairytale u wud def hav been Cinderella's stepmom

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: RMC | 2007/03/30

CP MOM - you are a real cow and you seem to take real delight in making others feel lousy about yourself and then playing the victim so that everyone else feels sorry for you. You harp on all the time about your CP child -- why not have a child who happens to have CP...

It is like you define the kid's entire existence by the CP and always tell everyone how rotten their kids are and "even" yours with her disability can do this or that.

Reply to RMC
Posted by: Flash | 2007/03/30

Step Mom, I think you are exaggerating. The way you go on about your kids one will think they are perfect, nobody is!! The problem is that you hate the other woman's kid. You know what, at the end, it will work against you, your husband might be accepting their behaviour because of your being negative. Remember, he loves his children, maybe even more than he will ever love you, I know you cant compare the kind of love, but remember, they will ALWAYS be HIS children, no matter what. On the other hand, you might end up being the OTHER WOMAN. He might divorce you (how I wish he could) and find a woman who will treat his children as children.

CP MOM
You deserve what happened to you previously, I remember how sad your emails are. A nine year only! my goodness, what a heart you have there. Never keep a grudge to a little child, its wrong even in the eyes of the Lord. She is just being a child. my own chidren behave like that at times and I do punish them but not HATe them the way you hate your step child. It so obvious you cant hate her. May the father see your terrible heart and leave you!!

Reply to Flash
Posted by: CP MOM | 2007/03/30

Sticks and stones.......hee hee

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/03/30

Annie - Very true .... come 2 think of it u r right she is always miserable.

CP Mom - Just remember u'll hav 2 answer in heaven 2 1 day .....

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: CP MOM | 2007/03/30

I do give them love dear Ness. Trust me they sit on my lap often and then my daughter will come and want them off and its hard for me to say no give them a turn when I feel like i am pushing my child away.

I am sorry but I can not be the one blames for what they are/may become when both the parents are not there. They were not given to me but to these two people whos responsibility it is and who must one day stand in front of God and explain themselves.....

Have a lekker weekend ( and I cant believe the Sharks lost again!)

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Annie | 2007/03/30

LA

CPMum always complains about the kids , if it's not the kids it's something else. She is a very unhappy person

Reply to Annie
Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/30

Right, I'm off home, have a lovely weekend everyone xxx

Reply to Ness
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/03/30

U r not da victim here CP Mom - da kids r .... u hav no right 2 treat them da way they do..... I also think it is great what u r doin 4 Ne (spelling?) but it is still not an excuse 4 what u r doin

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/30

Shew, not easy. As you say, thier mom does not show them love so they will look to you and even though its not easy you have to try. I'm sure this was not what you bargained for in life but its happend and its in front of you. You just have to find the best way to cope. Good luck

Reply to Ness
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/03/30

CP Mom - I agree that she's cruel but u r not helping da situation.... u r making it worse - that is y they r behaving like they do - both da mother figures in their lives r treating them like dirt .... put ur'self in their shoes

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: CP MOM | 2007/03/30

It's hard because how do you "neglect" your child because you must treat them the same when in your heart you love her more?

She's use to being the only one and you use to just buying her something like you use to and then all of a sudden oops then I have to buy for the other 3 too...

It's the biological parent's JOB to love their kids!!!!

This one had another one (child no 4) with this man and gave it up for adoption
This one then had another one (child no 5) and this one was aborted
This one then had another child which is now 2.... eish

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/03/30

Ag please man .... u r still horrible - imagine taking out your frustrations out on an innocent child - I've read your other posts b4 n u always moan about "G's" children, about da grandma who takes da kids etc etc .... Hav u eva stopped 2 think that da problem lies with u? What cud da children b exposed 2 that makes them behave kie they do? It's u n no-one else. N by da way my mom left my dad n not da other way around. She is more of a woman than u will eva b.... did I mentioned she remaried n my sepdad had 2 kids.... u will neva eva know we r not biological cos my stepdad n mom treated us all da same

Reader - We stayed with my mom but was forced 2 spend holidays with my dad (this was my dad's decision) n my stepmom was a housewife. N by da way there marriage was far from happy .... he still luvd my mom n made no secret of it ...

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/30

Good for you CP mom, you are clearly trying. Well done. I know that its hard and I know that even with my own child there are days when I want to murder her. I am not the perfect mom, no one is, I have good day and I have bad days just like anyone else. And yes sometimes, when I've had a long day at the office, she get on my nerves. There is so much crap on TV now with the hollywood Brady bunch nonsense. None of it is true. Just be yourself its all you can do.

Lets face it, my child will grow up one day and say that I was a good mom BUT.... there will always be a BUT. No one gets it right, they just do thier best

Reply to Ness
Posted by: CP MOM | 2007/03/30

These kids OWN mom locks them out of her house (they are 5, 9 and 11) for sometimes 3 hours at a time because they irritate her and they misbehave....how's that for cruel ?

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Echelle | 2007/03/30

Step Mom - do you treat her the same way you treat your own children, like exactly the same? Remember that her parents aren't together anymore and that is sometimes difficult for a child and needs all the love you can give! And also remember that a teenager especially a girl gets emotional really quick! Be a good step mom no matter what and always try to show her the love she needs and show her that you'll always be there for her, if it's your husband's birthday for example, ask her to help you with the plannings etc and ask her to go shopping with you for a present, make her feel part of the family, make her feel as if she has a real mother to depend on - maybe that's all she needs!

Reply to Echelle
Posted by: CP MOM | 2007/03/30

Dear Ness

It's very difficult, I recently read a book on Step-Parenting and it's a very difficult and lonely road, because although you are the caregiver, the babysitter, the everything they are not YOUR children so you actually have no say....Its not nice and it's not easy....

Then I have a disabled child (the name CP Mom is from Cerebral Palsy) which makes it even harder, but if a 10 year old CP child can learn "mease" (please) and thank you then surely "normal" kidz can to ?

I try a lot, Im doing a tapestry so she also wanted to and I bought her one and spend this time with her and when I garden I let them help me, I take them to the movies ect...All I ask is the same as I ask of mine have manners, have respect.

She once said YOU ARE NOT ANYBODY'S REAL MOTHER (my daughter is adopted), i took her aside and said I am glad I am not a real mother coz if a real mother does what my daughers did (abortion therefore the brain damage) and your's has done then you are right I am glad I am not anybody's REAL mother. She never did say it to me again. They hurt you like you can't believe sometimes. Look you can NEVER love a stepchild like your own (or in my case an adopted child) BUT you can come damn close.

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Reader | 2007/03/30

No I am not a step mom, because I refused to raise another woman's children and handle all their issues while the parents are absent.

You still have not told me where your mom was in all this?

Just because your step mom was really bad does not mean they all are. Did you ever think of how happy she made your father? Did you ever think of how had it was on her ?

Reply to Reader
Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/30

Well my mom was around but I was my fathers pet so when he had an affair she made sure I paid the price for it. I was all very difficult and not a time in my life that I would want to go back to. Im not sure if you read yesterday when I said that I ended up trying to kill myself. Having said that my step mom would still make excuses for how she treated me. I truly just see her as evil.

You will be ok, you have alot on your plate with your kids, your step kids and your husband never really being there, give yourself a break. Try talking more with everyone. My daughter and I play a game of "what was your best part of today and what was your worst" we do it on the way home. That way I get to hear her day and she get to feel like I care enough to want to know about her day.

Its really not easy. The easiest part is always standing on the sidelines and shoot out advice. LOL

Lauren Auder ... your step mom sounds like my one. You clearly still have alot of issues with. All I can say is your not that scared, scarred little girl your were back then. I think you have issues with her that you need to address. And I think that if you give advice to CP and let her understand your pain she will perhaps see it from a different perspect. Hug your inner child, she needs your love xxx

Reply to Ness
Posted by: CP MOM | 2007/03/30

L - oooooh who's the hostile one ? Girlfriend you need to seriously look at yourself. I have no problem that he loved another woman (you obviously could never handle that your father stopped loving your mother and loved your stepmom) I once loved another man!

You think I take it out on the kids ? Nope dear I am just a mean mother - go to the archives and look for the posting I did this week on mean moms and then you see what we do and why we do it.

Another thing, do you really think we are being mean for the sake of being mean ? no we do it so that we can have kids that are a pleasure to have, that are kind and have manners ect.....Oh and he doesnt spend time with "friends" he's at work, his own business and the reason he works those hours? He doesnt want to be with these kids either.....use it dont use it..

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/03/30

Reader - Excuse me? Excuse me?!!!!

Did u take u'r medicine 2day? Looks like u r not feeling well.

My stepmom sent us 2 bed without food n made us do da housechores n run errands while her kids did absolutely nuttin. They neva got a hiding in their lives while we did. We always had 2 hear how our mom was no good n that we will neva amount 2 anything in our lives .....

Very sorry but ther is no excuse 4 a stepmom treating kids different cos they r bad people. I take it u r a stepmom.....


Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/03/30

U c there is where the hostility comes in - u can not take the fact that it is u'r husbands children from another woman. Those children are proof that your husband once luvd another woman but it does not mean u hav 2 take it out on da kids ...no wonder he wud rather spend time wit his friends then at home .... u r probably da reason

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: Reader | 2007/03/30

She got you to be exactly what she wanted. You did not prove to her that you would be what she never thought you would be. That's the whole trick, but you still havn't got it have you ?

Where was your mother in all this?

Reply to Reader
Posted by: CP MOM | 2007/03/30

Ness, it's not an easy job hey....

A step mom might be kak but where's the biological mom? And we have to take the mess made by another person and try and make the best of it, not easy especially when the father is also never home..

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: CP MOM | 2007/03/30

L - Oh no ! What will I do now that you have no respect for me? Arghhh my life is over!

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/03/30

Reader - I was the stepchild..... still hate my stepmom...... always telling everyone how good her children were n treating me like I was an outsider. N u know what now that I'm geown up she tells everyone that it is her doing..... it was yes cos I wanted and proved to her that I cud b everything she told me I'll neva b ... n by da way her kids r total losers 2day....

CP Mom - I've lost all respect 4 u, u acctually remind me of my stepmom .... to think I felt sorry 4 u at a stage ... but I can c now u r not what u give forth 2 b

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/30

CP Mom I do understand your fustration, truly I do. Chin up. Just think she is going to be ten times worse when puberty hits and you will reminise on these times with fond memories LOL

Reply to Ness
Posted by: Reader | 2007/03/30

Lauren Auder do you have step kids

Reply to Reader
Posted by: CP MOM | 2007/03/30

Ness, we make a point of treating them all the same in other things, however when it comes to them we seem to be a bit more lenient because "shame their mother left...." and I think this also does not help.

It's not like this all the time it's just built up and up till where it's come to this at the moment. She doesnt go hungry my dear L, at 9 she and any child can make a sandwich or coco pops or something.

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/30

I do think that CP Mom needs to take a deep breath. I was the step child once and its not easy. Your in someone elses home, someone elses kids, you really dont feel like you fit anywhere. This is no excuse for some things but at the end of the day "these are just kids" I (to this day) cannot stand my step mom. She will tell you the same about me.

Councilling is the very very best option. I think that if everyone has a chance to speak and to understand where the other is coming from it will make the world of difference. Kids are not evil little vermin that need to be crushed. They are just kids.

Reply to Ness
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/03/30

CP Mom - that girl is going 2 hate u with her whole heart if she does not already .... how can u treat a kid of 9 like that? She's still a child .... I wud have understood if she was 14/15 but 9? My son is 11 and is diciplined but tends 2 misbehave at times I will neva make him go with out food or not do his washing 2 teach him a lesson cos that will really make them feel as if they r not part of the family n then they willl rebel even more..... Shame on u

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: Lauren Auder ™ | 2007/03/30

Step mom - u sound as if u r very proud about u'r biological children n I'm sur u show it 2 them..... cos u cant stop saying how "perfect" they r..... That is where u'r problem lies - u r comparing u'r kids to u'r husband's. Just give them luv n attention, it will take time 4 them 2 warm up towards u but they will realise u r not da enemy

Reply to Lauren Auder ™
Posted by: CP MOM | 2007/03/30

She'll for instance just pick up her towel in the bathroom or her this or her that. So the other night I cooked, she asked where's her supper ? I said oh you only do things for yourself so why must I do anything for you ? Make your own......later the day she wanted to know where her school socks were I said I don't know seeing as you only do things for yourself I presumed you washed them yourself so I told the domestic not to....

Its a hard road girl but what else can we do ?

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: CP MOM | 2007/03/30

I thought I was reading my own story....my step daughter is 9 and she already tells her dad "whatever daddy, whatever" - I think the worst is that he allows it!

And how come these kids (step kids) don't know things like please and thank you ? Weird....And yes my daughter does know these words (and she's nogal disabled) Maybe we are stricter with our kids ?

I think some parents feel that they have to compensate for "these poor little kids who come from divorced parents" and then they turn into these monsters...

She drove me to far yesterday and I gave her the hiding of her life and told her that her nonsense stops TODAY, her disrespect to the domestic worker as well as her father stops TODAY, her kak attitude stops TODAY because from now on I will give her back 100% of what she hands out and if it means giving her a hiding or punishing her EVERY DAY then I will do it but she will no longer be the cause of unhappines. And if this continues she'll be of an age soon where she can choose where she wants to live and then she can go and live with her mother but in THIS house such behaviour will no longer be tolerated....I will have to see how it goes but enough is enough...

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: STEP MOM | 2007/03/30

Tks for the advice Ness.
Sideway you made me smile!!!!!!!
Today this child took my nanny's lunch to school (food that I had set aside for her from last night as I always like to make sure my nanny hasa decent meal when she is here), this kid knows that it was not for her yet she still took it!!!
I AM VEHEMNTLY (SORRY SPELLING!) OPPOSED TO SELFISHNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it drives me into a frenzy especially seeing that my 2 daughters are such good wholesome caring people that appreciate everything in life and they show it!!!
At least they make up for my husbands lack of getting it from his own children!

Reply to STEP MOM
Posted by: sideways | 2007/03/30

Threaten to send her back to her mom.

Reply to sideways
Posted by: Ness | 2007/03/30

With her being a teenager as far as she is concerned its her job (and god given right) to make everyones life a living hell. I remember my mom posted a thing on the fridge say "teenagers, tired of listening to your stupid parents, act now, go out get a job, pay your own bills, while you still know everything!

The only thing that I would highly recommend is a family councillar. FAMSA can help with that. She needs to understand the strain she is putting of everyone.

Reply to Ness

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