Posted by: MandyMe | 2009/08/18

Scared to think positively

Hi. I am in a divorce process - my court date only a month away.I am sad all the time. I filed for divorce because he was very abusive, emotionally, physically and mentally. I thought I was gonna go mad. I lived in fear as he threatened to kill me - so I am sure I did the right thing.I am seeing someone at the moment but he also has his own issues and feel that I must just let him go. But he is really nice to me... I dont know whether my divorce is making me feel nervous about life itself or am living my husbands words that I will never find anyone to love me but men will just use me. I am really scared of thinking straight. I dont know if I can.
I moved out of my house and 2months down the line, there was another woman there.My daughter saw her and she also has a kid - a girl - 2years maybe. Is this his daughter or not? I dont think I actually want to know. They live in my house,I still pay the bond, rates& taxes and DSTV. He said he doesnt want me to come to my house and get the rest of my stuff until the divorce is final.I dont know what to do,but decided to do just that.I dont know.He doesnt fone his child anymore, I think its because he already has another baby at home.He doesnt even fone his 2 other kids from his past relationship.Those kids are always with me (because their mother passed away and for the past 11 years, I have been a mother to them). They dont stay far from where I live at the moment - moved in with family.I wonder what he is thinking.Or is he trying to punnish me by ignoring his kids.I am not really worried...I can make it on my own.Always has and have been looking after him as well.He has never given me even a cent,I have been taking care of the family without knowing what he does with his money.It was love I suppose.I think I just want this whole thing to be over and be able to buy a home for my child and take it from there... My house is for sale and even the estate agent always tells me how relaxed that woman is in my house,Using my pots, sleeping in my bed and using my dinner sets!! I mean I bought everything in that house and this is what I get. I wonder if he wont even fight me for everthing since he asked about my car and my provident fund as well. He probably wants to clean me up. If I had known that this is a money making scheme :-(.But I have faith, God is in control.I feel so all alone, confused and sad sad sad all the time!!
Any suggestions on what I can do to eleviate all this pain hurt and sadness??

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageDivorce support expert

Dear MandyMe,

your title is "Scared to think positively" - and you describe a situation for which you claim relief once it will be over.
You say you can make it on your own, and of course you can. Your husband has filled your head with insecurities. What kind of man needs to put a woman down in order to feel good about himself?
You deserve to be happy.
However, as you seem to be the sole provider, I suggest that first you think about yourself and your child and seek proper legal advice. You can contact me at for a referral.
Taking action for your future and your child will help you gain some power back. You have every right to get your stuff, especially if another woman is using them. Establish a plan of action between your divorce and getting your stuff back while keeping your safety a priority. You say he has abused physically and this should never be taken lightly. keep focus and be grateful for being able to make it on your own and having your daughter.
There are many stages to a breakup; denial, anger...and we can't jump over them. What you are feeling is normal. Even if it brings relief, you are morning a loss.
Take it one day at the time and know that it does get better.
I practice in Table view in you wish to book a consultation or send me your details to be put on the mailing list as I am launching a workshop: I broke up, now what?!

Warmest regards

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: MandyMe | 2009/08/19

Thank you so so much Gail. Much appreciated. I also would like to believe that I am a strong person. I just dont know where the lonliness and sadness comes from because I am child of God. Guess I am only human after all  -). I' ll take these as challenges that will go past soon. I have learnt a lesson and I will ensure that my daughter is well taken care of.
Nadia, I will be sending you an e-mail shortly. I appreciate all the support that you give to us here. I just wish you were in JHB. I' ll try saving so I can attend your next meeting... at the moment, I just have so much in my plate... but God is for us all.
Thanks a mil ladies... it does feel like home... thanks again.

Reply to MandyMe
Posted by: Gail | 2009/08/19

You sound like a strong woman. My friend I can guarantee that you WILL get over it. Accept and deal with the grief when you feel but you sound like the main person that is in control. Another woman in your house is no doubt a painful situation and it is easier for outsiders to tell you what to do. But he is the one that is going to loose. Most men think that " tasing"  new meat is the answer, until it wears off and then what?your house and everything in it is just materialistic things BUT you have to claim what is yours for the sake of your child and your survival. You sound like a soft hearted person and that is good, but he obviously knows this hence taking advantage. Fight for what is yours and please consider making contact with Nadia. She can only help " steer"  you in the proper direction. Good luck! I will keep you in my prayers!!!

Reply to Gail

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