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Posted by: Wanna Love | 2007/06/08

Scared to love

Hi Doc, I have met the most amazing man via 34015, we have been chatting and speaking for a week and met last night and we get along like a house on fire. He is 3 years youner then I am. He is paralised waist down, due to a taxi taking him out on his motorbike. He turns me on big time, we haven't made love yet becasue I need to take it slow. Slow for my 8 year old duaghter, she hasn't met him or knows about him. I have put her through a rough time the last couple of months, I packed up everything to move in with a man 1000km away, 2.5 months later we are back (sold most of our things to get money to move back, even most of her toys) becasue he was an alcoholic and I didn't know. My daughter would cry herself to sleep at night and blame herself for us fighting. I couldn't do that to her, she doesn't deserve it. We are setteling in our own place, but since we came back, I had this urge to meet somebody to forget about the otherone. I met a few guys on line and on the sms's, met some face to face, rich one, perfect ones, but they just didn't do it like the one I met know. He smokes dope for the pain 2 - 3 times a day, if it was for pleasure I wouldn't be near him, but it is for medical reasons, so it doesn't bug me. I want to get seriously involved with him, but what if I make a wrong choice again. I second quess myself with everything in my life, I am so scared to hurt my daughter again or myself for that matter, but with this guy I just want to let go and feel and give love, but I am so scared. I am scared things will go bad again.

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Our expert says:
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Don't be scared to love, but be scared to rush impulsively into a situation before it becomes clear enough to make a properly informed and wiser decision.
Like G, I wonder why you feel such a breathless rush about this relationship ? WHy not take the time to get to know each other for more than a couple of weeks ? Even some of the most horrible people I have encountered often managed to seem pleasant for a week or two. This guy may be all you hope for or even more --- but if he is, this won't diminish if you take a bit longer to get to know each other.
Your recent history as you describe it, sounds as if you have previously also been impulsive, and rushed into arrangements that didn't work out. YOur daughter has already been understandably upset and disturbed by a bewildering series of suddent moves here and there, and the loss of stability and even familiar possessions. Settle down for a while !
YOu can forget about the other guy gradually, as we all do --- plunging precipitately into another relationship just to help you forget the previous mistake is a terrific way to lurch into yet another mistake. And then you'll have two sets of hurt to try to forget. Look at your own recent experience --- the last guy may have seemed fine, but you didn't find out until too late that he was alcoholic and unsuitable to you as a partner. You rushed into a major geographic move without being able to afford to move back , before knowing exactly what you ( and more importantly, your daughter ) were letting yourselves in for. Don't repeat bad parts of your history by repeating them.
The new guy, you say, smokes dope "for medical reasons". That's possible -- that does help some paraplegic folks with some pain problems, and can indeed be recommended by some doctors --- but you don't yet know that. You mention wanting to make love --- that may be possible, impossible, or just difficult, depending on the exact nature of his injuries and handicap --- again, you're planning something before you know enough to know what you are embarking upon.
Take it easy. Take the time to settle back, giving your child some much needed stability, and get to know this guy. If he's anything near as good as you feel he may be, it'll be worth waiting for. If there are more serious potential problems, take the time to check out all such possibilities, before plunging ahead again. Don't try to recover from one impulsive, bad decision, by making another,.

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: oo | 2007/06/08

What is this "via 34015" that you are talking about, is it a chat site?

Reply to oo
Posted by: G | 2007/06/08

If I have read correctly, you cannot have knwon each other for more than 2 weeks?

What is the rush? Why all the anxiety? Learn from your past mistakes and don't rush into anything. Take it slow, get to know him really ... not just initial impressions ... get to know him properly over months.

When the time is right, and you feel confident about him, then think about introducing him to your daughter. And even with that, take it slow, and let them get to know one another.

But, only introduce anyone to your child who you are in a serious and trusting relationship with ... imagine the message you are sending to her by introducing different guys to the whole time? (Sorry, I do not at all mean that as a criticism, and I am not saying you have, but just a thought as to how confusing it could be to her little self)

I hope it works out for you, and remember, that sometimes you also need time by yourself to recover from a bad decision or a relationship, even though it may seem easier at the time to jump into something with someone else. But, instant gratification is hardly ever as satisfying as finding the true thing when your mind is actually in the right place to be receptive to real people and how they relate to your real person, not just something to numb the pain.

Thus, I would say, whatever you do ... take it slow :-)

Reply to G
Posted by: C. | 2007/06/08

You'll never know if you do not try.

I'm a bit worried about the dope though.

Reply to C.

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