Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/05/22

scared my child becomes one of them

I have been married to my husband for 15 years now, have a girl of 7 now, My inlaws since I have met them showed no standards,I believe that the mother never set goals for them, never pushed them to do better, they still today have not achieved anything, my husband is the only one working , his brother has no where to stay, and his siters cant stay with a man, I was tought to try as many things as possible and always do your best, then decide what you like or not, this is where the problem comes in - I know what my girl is capable of and know when she is getting lasy to do homework, so I get strickd with her when she is not doing her best - she is top of her class and gets good results, on the sport fields I allow her to do her dances which she loves, but also tell her to do at least 1 school activity per term aswell, my husband do not want me to push her to do her best, he says if she does not want to do it she must leave it- He does, just like his mother do everything for her, and she only tries her luck when he is around, he is the dominant one in our house, so I keep maar quiet and teach my child my standards and believes when he is not around, I am so scared that his fatherly input is the way he grew up and then messes up my childs future, How do I explain my fear to him without hurting him. He knows I have no like on his family, but I want him to allow me to teach our child the values of life.I am not over reacting when I say they have no values,the brother never went to school because he did not fit in, his mother left him to do what ever, they never did sports, they never went to church, the parents nevber showed love to them or to each other- this caused major problems in my marriage, because my husband does not know how to be affectionate, he knows sex and that is it.I do not want this for our girl..

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Our expert says:
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I understand your admirable intentions in wanting your child to do as well as posible in her life. Remember that the most efficient way of encouraging this is not through nagging as many people do, but by encouragement and praise for her achievements. Remember too, that it is important to accept any areas where she might not be outstanding, and not to let her feel bad about herself for not doing well in everything she touches --- kids who are really good at many things, often ignore all that they're ood at, and feel guilty and bad about the handful of areas where they may be ordinary. All of us are ordinary in some things !
Don't just "get strict" with her when she lapses a little, but energetic in helping her to feel good when she succeeds, without letting her feel that your love for her is only dependent on her school performance.
As for discussing your concerns with your husband, avoid criticizing him directly, and talk more about the positive aspects of why you are happy that you can both be so proud of your child, and how you want his help in encouraging her, with maybe some mention of your fears, in view of how many other children go astray, about harm if she is left to be over-influenced by the bad gids around.
As you have observed with your husband, people who are not shown love as children can find it very difficult, however much love they may feel for someone, to show that love. And his parents may have convinced him that what they did WAS the right way to show love for a child, so he may find alternative ideas puzling.

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