Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2006/04/21

Sad month - questions of love, forgiveness and getting over things

Hi there,
This is such a sad month for me and I feel miserable, over react to things, can it be subconscious. My first bf, first love died on the 18th of April, mother and stepfather died on the 7th of April, Mom's birthday Monday as well as her sisters. I always feel guilty wishing my Aunt a happy birthday, it just doesn't feel right.

Don't ask about my bf, things went from bad to worse. He is out, don't worry about that, but still manipulating. With all the memories and thoughts I cannot seem to resist wanting to have someone to talk too, someone who understands, is there really such a thing as real love or are we all just merely playing at it, hurting each other and being hurt. I think being alone is the best way to go, I think I have finally become the bitter person I never wanted to be. I have lost so much, both emotionally and financially because I want to be loved as I am.

About this month, it seems to bring out all these thoughts, the first bf was this gentle soul, we used to communicate via music and he was always putting other's first. He died shortly after I told him I was too young to get involved, my family didn't like him. I played the song "too young for promises" to him. He played back "Cheri, cheri lady and take me back". I couldn't. I tried to reach him but we were kept apart. Two weeks later after telling me if he can't have me he doesn't want to live, he died. I never made it to his funeral, my Mom decided it was best I didn't go. I don't think I have closure and maybe in my mind have built him up to be the hero. CS, this is just such a strange time.

My Mom and stepfathers deaths were bad, I was kept away from televisions and newspapers at the time, I was in an institution and the night we find out they had committed suicide I was injected and given a sleeping tablet, I never had time to absorb it. I had one friend whom I wanted to see, he is also deceased now, I really miss him. I am not sure if I will ever have closure for this in my life or be able to put it behind me. Does one ever really get over the past or does it always affect you? I am so tired of always being angry and miserable that I haven't an idea what to do about it. Apparently I have an infectuous laugh, but is it real. Sorry CS feeling rather low.

Thanks for listening.

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Our expert says:
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Hello Beyond Tired,
Anniversary Reactions can be very powerful, and such a clustering of sad events at this time of year doesn't make it at all surprising that you may be feeling a bit down. Can't you find ANYONE other than the ex bf to talk things over with ?
With the sad back-story about your first bf, one can undersdtand its significance in your own story ; and why you might feel a bit ambivalent about your mother's death, as you could understandably to some degree blame her for insisting on bringing that first affair to such an unhappy end. And for them both to have committed suicde, would be difficult for anyone in your position to cope wih --- let alone under the difficult circumstances in which it occurred. I don't think it is usually useful for people to use strong sedation of someone facing a bereavement --- it can interfere with the necessary processes of grief, and increase the risk of long-term worries about unresolved aspects of the grief, especially where, as in this instance, it may have been ambivalent.
The past may continue to influence us, but it need not and should not be allowed to determine our future --- we have the privilege of re-making ourselves.
And there must be something very genuine in that laugh, or it wouldn't be infectious to others.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Tango | 2006/04/21

You have had to go through so much loss and it seems as you may have not always dealt with it. Have you been in counselling? Perhaps you should consider it. It can help you unpack your feelings and get some closure.

Once you have done so you will feel freer and lighter, ready to find some meaningfull relationship.

Reply to Tango
Posted by: devron | 2006/04/21

I will be there for you.
email me at
shyguy_2046 (at)

Reply to devron
Posted by: Lonestar | 2006/04/21

Hello BT

No we will never get over the past, no matter ho hard we try. If we were capable to do that the first thing I would wipe out is my recent trauma of the attempted Hi jacking. Truth is our brains stor it in its memory and when the circumstances arise recollect it from the archives. Along with those circumstances we have to survive and make certain choices, but yet again there ars more to it and we as human beings aren't always strong enough to deal with it all at once.

So how do you eat an elephant? Piece by piece....

Bt, hang in there, you're a survivor now and no longer a victim, though it feels like it.

Have to go now, but you're in my thoughts and prayers.


Reply to Lonestar

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