Our expert says:
Hello Beyond Tired,
Anniversary Reactions can be very powerful, and such a clustering of sad events at this time of year doesn't make it at all surprising that you may be feeling a bit down. Can't you find ANYONE other than the ex bf to talk things over with ?
With the sad back-story about your first bf, one can undersdtand its significance in your own story ; and why you might feel a bit ambivalent about your mother's death, as you could understandably to some degree blame her for insisting on bringing that first affair to such an unhappy end. And for them both to have committed suicde, would be difficult for anyone in your position to cope wih --- let alone under the difficult circumstances in which it occurred. I don't think it is usually useful for people to use strong sedation of someone facing a bereavement --- it can interfere with the necessary processes of grief, and increase the risk of long-term worries about unresolved aspects of the grief, especially where, as in this instance, it may have been ambivalent.
The past may continue to influence us, but it need not and should not be allowed to determine our future --- we have the privilege of re-making ourselves.
And there must be something very genuine in that laugh, or it wouldn't be infectious to others.
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