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Question
Posted by: Sad | 2004/03/03

Sad after divorce

I was married for eight years (knew my husband fourteen years all together). He was my first and only love. We had our occasional ups and downs as he’s a generally “difficult” type of person. He gets angry very quickly. He’s friends are very important to him and usually comes first and he tends to drink too much sometimes. Other than that our marriage was fine. I was diagnosed (before our marriage) with a disease preventing me from having children of my own and this became a huge issue in our marriage since he loves kids. We went for counselling together, but it didn't help much. He knew about this before we got married. Over the last three years our relationship just went from bad to worse. He lied about almost everything. His whereabouts, with whom he spent time with, his working hours etc. And we started drifting apart from each other. He “disappeared” one weekend (never came home after work on Friday till Sunday morning) and I feared the worst. Thought he’d been hi-jacked or something. He returned home the Sunday morning and said he was sorry, but that he was just with his friend (no women involved) but that he was not interested in sorting out our problems. I tried to talk to him, but to no avail. We did not communicate for almost three weeks. He then left me for ten days to go on holiday and by this time I filed for a divorce and moved into a flat. After returning from his holiday he came to me begging for forgiveness and said he needed time to clear his head. He also admitted that he met a woman while being on holiday and that they had a holiday romance.
I was still in love with him and was willing to try again and forgive him for this fling.
He moved in with me and things went well. After about four months I could see some nasty changes again (friends always being put first, lying about his where abouts etc). And then one day I got the news from him that a woman phoned and told him she was pregnant with his child (who was conceived the weekend he disappeared). I was devastated. He then moved out and I filed for a divorce.
It's been six months after my divorce and during this time he still made contact with me via sms and cellphone. He was sorry for causing me all this pain and putting me through so much heartache. He wanted for us to try again and I cannot do this. Not with his child being out there in the world somewhere and knowing that I will never be able to have one of my own. I went for counselling and I thought I was coping well with this situation. He's messages became fewer and fewer and then a few days ago I got the news from him that he finally met someone and that their relationship was quite serious. I'm really happy for him and wish them all the luck, but still I feel so empty inside. I'm in my thirties and am terrified of growing old alone. Yet he has already found someone new and has his life back on track. My biggest problem is that I am blaming myself for not being there for him. I feel that maybe if I went out more with him, shared more of his interests and was sexually more active with him (our sex life was almost non existent due to many arguments of his whereabouts after coming home late at night etc) that this would never have happened and that we would still be together. Any advice?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear sad,
You gave him another cance, several times, and he blew it every time. Funny, isnt it, how you were handling the separation well, UNTIl you heard that he was now happy with someone else. Why on earth should you have been "there for him" when it hardly sounds as if he spent much time being "there" for you ? From the start, he excessive attention to his friends was ominous, and he doesn't seem to have made any genuine effort to let you become more involved in his other friendships and activities --- that's not your fault. Maybe re-enter counselling for a while, and finish resolving these issues.
And Nina, ( and others ) maybe post here, in a fresh message, details of whatever good support groups you have found, with their contact details.

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Our users say:
Posted by: LADY NINA | 2004/03/05

HI T

it s monday night meeting at a chruch in pta - let me know if you are intersted and i'll forward the details

it took me a long time to weigh up the prs and cons but it's deffinately worth it

let me know

nina

Reply to LADY NINA
Posted by: T | 2004/03/04

Nina please let me know how do you contact support groups....where do you find them

Reply to T
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/03/03

dear girl

reading your letter is like ready my own life story !
and believe me girl i know exactly what you mean and how you feel

one thing that you have wrong however is - "his life is back on track" he is by no means ok just because he is involved with someone - your ex , as mine, has serious issues they are avoiding and not dealing with - they say it takes about 1 year for every 4 years married to deal with everything - and i kind of believe that - my ex was out of the country for 10 months yet got engaged to someone back here! now i ask you how could that be a heathy relasionship?

the one thing i realize thru all the pain and emptiness is that you can't expect someone els to make you happy - happiness comes from inside - you can't go into a relasionship needing anything, you have to be complete and able to give more than receive - this lesson our ex's have not learned yet

the statistics for second marriages are scary to say the very leased ,74% of second marriages fail - due to parties taking baggages into it... lets not become part of that statistic - but find healing and completeness in our singleness ...

can't you join a support group - i've started going and i must say taking to others who is experiencing tha same pain makes it easier

take care my friend and remember you are not alone

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: eve | 2004/03/03

Dont blame yourself, I believe that when a man gets married it is because he wants to spend the rest of his life with his wife not his friends.He knew you could not have children from the beginning it wasn't like you were hiding it from him.You deserve someone better and you will find him, things happen for a reason......Carry on with your counselling it will only help you cope with what he has done and you will understand why he did this.
I wish you all the very best and may God send someone special your way.

Reply to eve

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