Posted by: Candice | 2009/02/18

Ruthless MIL....

More than a year ago, my MIL and I had a situation where she just took my things without asking for them when I asked her why she did that she retaliated with some very hurtful words.
Husband and I are out of the country for a while so we decided to leave some of our things (that we didn' t agree on whether to give it away or sell them) at his mothers house.
While there for a visit I was shocked to see my kitchen wear in MILs kitchen cabinets, some in her daughter kitchen and some at her mother(the grandmother). Shocked cause I called her atleast once a week but not even once has she mentioned or asked if she can use our dishes.
Nobody has ever said such hurtful things to me ever. She was screaming and telling me how selfish and bad I am, that people have told her that I' m bad. That I' m doing all that Ibecause of my mother and it was because of her that I' m still with my husband cause husband wanted to divorce me and if it wasn' t because of her I wouldn' t even know the UK.
So shocked and disgusted at the time, hubby and I fought over that cause when I asked him to tell his mother to stop he just said to me he' ll deal with her the best way he knows how while I was being scolded. And for what all because she took my things without permission.
I told her I want my things back in the boxes and I took them and put them back into the boxes. She said to me I should leave behind everything that my husband had before we got married cause all those dishes are hers since she bought them. And I did.
The problem is I think about her every single day, why did she do that to me?? Why such hurtful words over my things, what kind of monster is she?? Once we got back to the UK I struggled with this even today. Why didn' t hubby do something, said something?? He kept saying he did cause they always talk behind closed doors away from me. I don' t ever want to talk to that woman again ever in my life I don' t care whether she' s my kids grandmother. I don' t want to set foot in her house ever again.
My husband talked to her over the phone and she called me and I didn' t answer, later just before Christmas she sent me an sms saying that Christmas its a time for forgiveness and I thought wasn' t it Christmas when she was scolding me??
I want to forget about her about the hurtful words she said to me and how she said them. How do I put this behind me sometimes I want to divorce my husband (her son) so I can cut all ties with her.
It' s eating me up inside, Please help???!!!!
Thank you all for your response.

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Our expert says:
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She does indeed sound very much lacking in ruth. Her extreme reation suggets that she was indeed aware that it was wrong to have taken and distributed some of your belongings --- was it in fact, though, made very clear to her that these were being stored with her, not given to her ?
Does't it seem, to you, that though both of you were clearly deeply hurt by this fight, the misery it has aused both of you wasn't worth it ? She has mae a move towards apologising ; is sad that you didn't feel able to accept it. Talk this over further with your husband, and plan some way for the three of you to meet and settle the dust. Consider the matter to have been a misunderstanding --- she surely had no intention of upsetting you so profoundly by what she did. And maybe it'd be a sensible investment for you and your husband to see a marriage counsellor together and work through the many relevant issues this whole affair raised.

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Our users say:
Posted by: sympathy | 2009/02/19

Hi Candice. I so feel for you. I have the same problem with my MIL. I cant even go through all the details as your MIL would look like an angel compared to mine. My husband also chooses to totally ignore his moms comments. I am that type of person that does not move in circles where people make me feel bad, but its so hard with her. I have to be around her. After almost 4 years of marriage, I only see her now once every 1-2 months which actually works perfect. So I only have to deal with her 12 times a year. But its difficult when there are kids involved. I have a son but did not marry his father so that was in the beginning (although they adore him) a problem. She so much wants grandchildren from us that I constantly had to hear that it is due to the contraception that I was on that she cant become a grandmother which hurt my feelings so much. We recently found out that he has the problem and not me. I am actually very healthy. Now it seems that she hates me because I am not the problem. She till today asks me if I cant go to a better gynae LOL!!! the stories are endless. But I can tell you one thing... dont even wait for your husband to see her cruelty, cause he wont!!! and she knows that that is why she will scheme and manipulate him for all its worth not even considering your feelings as well as your kids. I know how things like this can bother a person. It actually stresses you more that you can imagine!! good luck!!

Reply to sympathy
Posted by: Candice | 2009/02/18

Thank you CS
She was aware as we discussed it with her beforehand.
The thing is it was not the first time scolded me and I feel she did it too many times already.
Hubby and I never agree when it come to his mother. He' ll agree that what she did is wrong as to how we should deal with it we are in disagreement. Earlier on she went to the person we sold a refridgerator to, collected the money and used it. She didn' t tell us we were waiting for money to be deposited in our bank account and when I asked her she retaliated ruthlessly so I' ve had it. All the times before, hubby and I fought about it. I suggested we need to talk to her together but hubby didn' t support that sometimes I feel hes telling her that she should do all these because of his reactions.
I' m so broken by this emotionally and I just need a way to put this behind me and forget about that woman.
I want to forgive her but not be in contact with her ever....I realise she' s a person who always striving to bring me down...why shpuld I allow myself to be around such a person...Help!!

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