Posted by: longsuffering wife | 2009/04/15

rude husband

I understand from others that it is common for many men to lose their manners as they age. My father was not one of these, nor my brothers, but my husband is, and i find it most unpleasant. i have no airs about me- I am just an ordinary 60 year old woman with a husband 2 years older. Please advise how to deal with his increasing rudeness, lack of tact, selfishness, inconsiderateness, because he says he is quite happy with the way he is- he sees no problem. It makes life unpleasant and, in social situations, embarrassing. Counseling is out- he says if I want counseling that' s fine but there' s nothing wrong with him and he' ll see no-one. The counselor I saw wanted to see him, to deal with the situation, so i got nowhere.

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Our expert says:
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I'm not sure this problem is limited to men ! What may be happening could be early-onset Alzheimers, or simply a somewhat exaggerated form of normal aging, which can make a person disinhibited, more careless about the impression they make on others. This tactless, selfish, and uncaring about whether other people get upset by what they say or do. Like an old dog, they scratch when they itch, and don't think of the audience.
Tamryn seems to have a different situation, with a much younger spouse, and says he has always been this way. People don't tend to change unless motivated to do so, and with obvious benefits for doing so --- look at how hard it is for most of us to diet or give up smoking. Again, this is not a "man" thing, though men may be more easily able to get away with it. I think women more often marry not the man the guy actually is, but the man they hope they will manage to turn him into --- and that rarely works

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Our users say:
Posted by: Bill | 2009/04/17

Manners are manners, but I always call a spade a spade, when service etc is bad however I can sometimes call a spade a shovel! Sybil has it in perspective, and I think a person that is bad mannered is often being completely open and honest, where others fail to open their mouths.

Reply to Bill
Posted by: Annie | 2009/04/16

Sybil, I completely agree, its the manners that matter. We all complain when we are unhappy about things, its how you do it that counts. In fact complaining politely tends to get you a lot further!

Reply to Annie
Posted by: sybil | 2009/04/16

No, you are the sort of husband a wife would be pleased to have. When we 60 somethings have lived productive lives, we get the confidence to complain when necessary. As you say, you have manners. that' s the difference.

Reply to sybil
Posted by: Hello there ! | 2009/04/16

Ummmm makes one think. I' m in that age bracket and while I am not abusive nor bad mannered, I do tend to get impatient. I also have no problem to complain in a civilised manner and quietly when I do not get the service I expect or if I believe that I am not being shown the respect due to any normal person paying good money for an item or service. I am also the first one to compliment a Manager when I have had good and satisfactory service. Maybe somone will regard me as being " bolshie"  but I just believe in what I perceive to be right. If no one complains or returns shoddy goods, how does one expect things to improve ? Strangely any number of people I know would rather sit quietly and accept it Maybe as we age we become more realistic ?

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Posted by: Annie | 2009/04/16

This is amazing, seems like my life all over again! My husband is 67 and over the past few years he has got more and more difficult, obnoxious and generally rude. He " barks"  at most people, snorks like a pig at the table even in a restraunt, picks his nose and cannot hear properly and refuses to even investigate a solution. I went for councelling, but according to him I have a problem, not him! He says he is embarrasing!

Reply to Annie
Posted by: Kems | 2009/04/16

This happens with men, it happened to me, I was rude and hurt my wife with the things I said, she told me I was abusing her mentally to the point when I almost lost her as she wanted a divorce, I was never aware of this fact until people started pointing it out to me. I made a point of it to respect my wife, went for counseling and it all came right ... seams like this is a decease in men to be like this with the one they love, it is very wrong and I fell horrible now and making it up to her everyday of my life ever since ....

Reply to Kems
Posted by: tamryn | 2009/04/15

Funny, sounded like me posting this one! i have a very similar situation at home, to the point where i have already threatened to move out. U are right, it is very unpleasant but most of all it hurts like hell! The only difference is our age, you say your 60 whereas i am in my 30' s and so is my husband. He has always been rude, obnoxious, knows everthing and can get quite abusive (mentally). I am very keen to hear what doc says about this. Maybe it is a " man"  thing, who knows. I also did not have a father who acted in this manner nor is my brother like that! PLS CS give us your advice!

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