Posted by: Hope | 2009/04/08


I am so suddened by all the responses posted regarding this issue of women abuse. YOU' VE ALL GOT IT WRONG... it' s not about culture.. it' s all about PRIDE and EGO.. men and women that abuse their partners have, and they seem to have alot of this.

Being a survivor of an abusive relationship, all I can tell you all is that, even though I went through all the violence for 7 years and still went back 10 times, till I finally left, the biggest reason for my going back was that there was no support structure (emotional or financial) and all because of people like you who think that YOU SHOULD JUST STAY OUT OF IT. It took me that long to organise my financies in order and be able to escape, YES, I SAY ESCAPE, because that is what fits the leaving I had to do. No Abuse centre is prepared to house a mother with kids... my kids and I stayed anywhere and everywhere we could stay for as long as we could, but I always found myself back there where it all started!

My family stayed away because they felt they would be interfering. I reported him and nothing was ever done about it.

What I found was most helpful, to retain my strength and hope to fight for my kids'  safty and mine was to hear someone that would always say to me " You need to leave this man"  I got a lot of strength from this. I was totally dependent on this man and every night I prayed that he would not kill me.

When I finally was able to leave, I had made a choice.. either I left him or I would have killed him, with my bare hands.. I opted for the latter... Even after I left him up to this day, no one from my family and friends has ever offered to support me and my kids...because of there stupid thinking about STAYING OUT OF IT! I am struggling, but you know what I am thankful to my GOD for the provisions he makes each day so that my kids and I can survive.

Mind you all it' s not just about he money, it' s the emotional support.. people that have been abused need alot of emotional support.... and it' s sad that most people do not Understand this....

I get so sick to the stomach to think that you all seems to be against abuse yet you say, STAY OUT OF IT! You are all COWARDS.. AND Hands up for the one that thinks she should intervene!

Doing nothing about it simply means you are content with what is happening!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Yes. The sort of paternalistic attitudes than enable woman abuse to occur, exist in all cultures ; we vary more in whether we claim our culture allows and encourages us to abuse others, or whether we are quieter about it.
And the "stay out of it" argument has enabled all the worst atrocities of apartheid, Nazism, and all the other ways in which people were cruel to others.
Who was it who said all that is required for evil to triumph is for good people to remain silent ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Anon1 | 2009/04/08

No, that is not what I think. I think I should have kept my stupid mouth shut the I have for more than 10 years. It' s because of people like you THAT I RATHER SAID NOTHING. No one knows what it feels like unless it happened to you. You were not in my shoes. I will deal with it on my own so that no-one can go around and tell everyone my story and at the end of the day the whole world knows and everyone look at me in another way.

ABUSES IN ANY WAY OR FORM IS WRONG AND NO-ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO DO IT TO OTHERS!! ?And yes, I get emotional because I go through it every day in my mind. Because of this I have emotional/mental as well as physical issues.

Reply to Anon1
Posted by: Hope | 2009/04/08


You don' t have to go to the grave with the secret... but don' t you think it would have been helpful, if someone knew about the initial rape and helped you get out so as to avoid future rape and abuse???

Think of the men and women that are faced with this dilemma now, and ask yourself, how many have the strength and ability to survive or walk away??? Do you think there is someone out there who will stand by them and assist them through it? If not, is it okay that they should carry on suffuring and maybe die at the hands of their abuser, because WE SHOULD ALL STAY OUT OF IT??

This gives me sleepless nights :-(

Reply to Hope
Posted by: Anon | 2009/04/08

Blah blah blah, you are all so irritating!

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Anon1 | 2009/04/08

Ye, sorry Boo maybe I am taking it a bit too personally because I was sexually abused by my BF and afterwards he told me it was my fault. I am keeping this secret for more than 10 years and only realized now how he brainwashed me. I was still a virgin and wanted to remain that way for my husband but he decided to take it without my permission. I couldn' t tell anyone because he said no-one will believe me and that he will tell everyone that I slept with his friends and his friends will confirm this. I was so scared I am still not over it. To talk about it now is difficult sometimes it wants to overwhelm me but I just try and put it out of my head. A few years after our breakup I asked him why he did it and he said he was sorry but then turn around again and said that I am crazy and I deserved it. He raped me continuously after that and I didn' t know how to stop him. He also hit me and there was no-one I could talk to because he was such a good guy and churchgoer no-one would have believed me. Everyone thought he was near perfect. Today he is married with a little daughter. I wonder what he will if the same thing happens to his daugther. I must go to my grave with this secret.

Reply to Anon1
Posted by: BOO | 2009/04/08

Anon, I apologise if my posts made you feel hurt or upset, that was not my intention. I do believe that one person can make a difference. When a person stands up and speaks up, maybe others will notice and do the same. Soon it ends up being not just one person against the injustice, but many. At the same time I agree that there are always 2 or more sides to a story, but still abuse shouldn' t be tolerated. If it is a case of retaliation or self defence, then physical aggression is sometimes acceptable, however it is when such aggression is unprovoked, habitual or excessive, it' s wrong. I also think that people need to stand up for themselves too, but sometimes they need a little help. I' ve been abused, sexually (as a child and as an adult), physically (my father used to beat me with a sjambok at the smallest imagined wrongdoing) and emotionally, but I' ve refused to accept it now that I am old enough and strong enough to protect myself. My body and mind are my gifts from God, and I won' t allow others to desecrate them without fighting tooth and nail to defend them. Sorry Anon, but this is my view on abuse. Sorry if it offends in any way. I' m not forcing my opinion on you in any way, but I am most certainly going to defend my beliefs. Airing an opinion doesn' t amount to emotional abuse, by the way, otherwise you' d also be guilty of the same. Be cool.

Reply to BOO
Posted by: T | 2009/04/08

What about the man who is an alcoholic and beats his wife whenever he feels like it? What a man who abuses both alcohol and drugs and beats up his partner.
Not all men need a reason to beat their wives!
Not all men beat their wives
Not all women deserve to be beaten up in front of their kids
What about the kids who have to witness their dad strangling their mom? What long-term effect doesn' t that have on the kids?
Maybe if you have been the victim of abuse, then add your 2 cents. Maybe if your kids have had to witness abuse, add your 2 cents.
Maybe I didn' t have an affair, maybe I didn' t goad my ex into beating me. Maybe he was drunk yet again and had been smoking weed after a night out with the boys.
And maybe he is a director in a company and just maybe you wouldn' t expect it of someone like him. Shit happens, and we deal with it.
Some people need help and have no one to turn to. What if it was your sister or mother or even your daughter!?!

Reply to T
Posted by: Anon1 | 2009/04/08

I agree with you Boo, but do you honestly think one person can make a difference. I wish I could stop all abuse, especially those against children, old people and animals. To be honest with you sometimes I can' t take it anymore. Why do one person want to hurt another? God didn' t create us to hurt one another and who give us the right to do that to His creation? I applaude people who are willing to help but respect the opinions of those who doesn' t. Who are you to critisize and don' t try to force your opinions on others by trying to make them feel bad. Isn' t that emotional abuse? When being abused you can' t always tell somebody because then you look so pathetic and they will say it' s your fault or he will say you are lying. Sorry, I don' t want to talk about myself. I just feel if you don' t want to get involved don' t and if you want, do it. It' s up to each person to make their own decisions. Me personally, I would first want to know the whole story from both sides. That' s not much to ask is it. O, and you will be surprised to hear that most women will leave their support system or the " save house"  to go back to their abusive husbands. Strange isn' t it, that is why these centres have a rule, if they helped you to your feet, find a job for you and a place for you and your children to stay and you decided to go back to the abuser they can' t help you anymore.

Reply to Anon1
Posted by: boo | 2009/04/08

GO, HOPE, GO!!! I admire your message. People who are prepared to do something, rather than ignore the problem, are the people who change the world.

Reply to boo
Posted by: Hope | 2009/04/08

Read carefully,

It says:

it'  s all about PRIDE and EGO.. men and women that abuse their partners have, and they seem to have alot of this.

MEN and WOMEN that abuse their.......

Do not make it about gender.... because nobody is.... and true men and women can come up with all sorts of games just to get the other... all because of this and ignorance.... the abuse will carry on.

There are genuine cases of abuse and whether the person is telling you the truth or not.. you would have done your part saved someone' s life.

I believe that NOTHING JUSTIFIES PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE.. If your partner is being abusive, female or male... JUST WALK AWAY....better still if you have a SUPPORT structure, GOD bless you.

People that do not do anything about a bad situation are people that believe that war should carry on because one party made the other angry, so better just let them fight it out, AND THE WAR CARRIES ON!!!

All situations are not the same, but walking away when you can do something about it does not solve anything.... let alone assist the person that is being tricked into the situation....YOU JUST CAN' T WALK AWAY FROM ABUSE, MALE OR FEMALE......


IT" S SAD.......

Reply to Hope
Posted by: boo | 2009/04/08

quite honestly, there is no excuse for any kind of abuse. It' s wrong. whether it' s a woman hitting a man, or a man hitting a woman, or a woman hitting a woman, or whatever, it' s still unacceptable! It' s so easy for people to sit at the wayside saying don' t interfere and don' t judge, and by all means if they want to keep out of it then they must. But how dare they foist their opinions and beliefs on others! I believe that one person trying to help CAN make a difference. If you don' t want to get involved, fine, but don' t criticise those who believe that there is hope, and that taking a stand can make a difference. Like the doc said, some of the worst atrocities in history have occurred when people just stand by and let things happen. Ignoring it is as good as condoning it. Surely our morals have evolved since the days when it was " acceptable"  to use brute force to get your point across?
Maybe those who say " stay out of it"  have lost hope and initiative, but just remember that there are some people who will still speak for those who can' t do it for themselves. Don' t pull us down because you' ve lost faith in humanity.

Reply to boo
Posted by: Anon1 | 2009/04/08

Ok. So you all say " intefere" . What is you tried to help just to hear that you made things worse and it is none of your business but when the person needed someone to listen to her you were there. Then you were good enough. And to hear afterwards that it was all a lie and the poor guy didn' t even raised a hand to her. She was the one having an affair and after she divorced him she married his best friend. To be honest I hate men who beat women to me there is no reason for them to do so. A woman should be pampered and God created a man to protect his wife and not to abuse her.

I just feel so frustrated with women who claim to be abused but afterwards you hear a total different story.

What now? It' s a case of DAMNED IF YOU DO AND DAMNED IF YOU DON' T. I am so tired of this. And by the way what about men abuse and what if the woman abuse the man and he was only trying to protect himself. If you don' t know both sides of the story you can' t judge.

Reply to Anon1
Posted by: ANNONYMOUS | 2009/04/08

First of all, is this forum helping and giving advise to people or its helping you because you come from certain ' area' ? People i don' t know why you should say what you want to say while you know that you not helping but hurting! I' m from Plolokwane but i' m staying JHB, its makes sad to hear opinions of others people like Anon and Daleen. Abuse its all over the country it doesn' t matter where you come, which race, how you' ve been raced. its a matter of we as South Africans how do we stand for that! We call our selves PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICANS BUT WE WRONG!

Abuse Its like Crime, what if oneday they kill one of your family or they rape your child. People say ' lets leave it its like that in this area' , how are you going to feel?

Thanx Hope


Posted by: M | 2009/04/08

Kudos to you Hope!

I hope Anan and the likes are ashamed of themselves when they read your post.

Reply to M
Posted by: T | 2009/04/08

Thank-you Hope! I was also in an abusive relationship, and faced the same dilema as you.

Good for you, getting out when you could!

Reply to T

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