Posted by: CONFUSSION | 2004/11/02

RE:What do I do?<br>What do I do?

My wife and I have been separated for 2 months.We are in the process of getting a divorce.Yesterday she came around to pick up some of her belongings.While at my house she became very intimate with me and vice versa,e.g kissing and touching.I never initiated the divorce process,it came from her because she was not happy in the relationship.Why is it that she still kisses me intimately but she says that her decision is made.What must I do?

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Our expert says:
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lulu's on a roll --- I agree. Either she's being deliberately cruel, or she still has feelings for you and may be feeling more ambivalent about the divorce. If the latter, she might consider marriage counselling as an option now, if she is reconsidering her earlier decision. marge's and S's insight is interesting and useful, too, as a third viable explanation.

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Our users say:
Posted by: S | 2004/11/02

Hi , i agree with Marge.
also went through the same thing while separated from my ex. i think once you have made a conscious decision to get divorced you feel 'free' in a way. all the dramas and problems are somehow lifted and the next chapter begins.
i think its also a power or control thing from a womans point of view. for the first time in a long time you actually feel in control of your relationship while before it was spiralling out of control.
i wouldnt read too much into what happened with you and your soon to be ex.
the best thing is to tell her your feelings and see if it was a "goodbye" from her side or whether she truly wants the relationship to work.
good luck

Reply to S
Posted by: Marge | 2004/11/02

She's not heartless and cruel and yet she no longer loves you. I went through exactly the same thing with my divorce 4 years ago. Myself and my ex-to-be at that stage made wild passionate love a few days before the court hearing. I initiated it. Why? Because I wanted to be intimate with the man I spent my life and my bed with for 12 years. Because I was sad about the fact that it would be the last time and I knew I would miss him. Because with all the problems between us then a thing of the past, I felt comfortable and relaxed with him for the first time in years. Maybe I did it for all the wrong reasons, but neither of us have any regrets. We moved on, both of us got married again, lost contact about 2 years ago. Afterwards I thought of that incident as my way of getting "closure". Maybe you would call it a "female thing", but though I made the decision to make love to him in the blink of an eye, it was a very positive emotional experience for me at that stage.

Reply to Marge
Posted by: CONFUSSION | 2004/11/02

Before we separated I asked her to go for counselling and she was not interested.According to her she has made her decisions.

Posted by: lulu | 2004/11/02

It seems like one of two things to me: She's heartless and cruel and she finds it fun to play with your feelings for her, or she still loves you.

Have you tried therapy to try and sort out your marriage problems? You say you didn't initiate the divorce, because she was the unhappy one. Does that mean you don't really want a divorce?

A divorce is expensive and it leaves scars on a relationship that are very difficult to get rid of. Apart from that, it's even more complicated where there are children involved. To divorce just to get back together again later is plain silly. Rather sort things out now or make a clean break.

My advice: Don't do anything drastic like get divorced if you're not completely sure that this marriage cannot be saved. Talk to her and get professional help together. It might not work in the end, but it might just. What have you got to lose?

Reply to lulu

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