Posted by: Concerned | 2009/05/01


I would like to put closure on a relationship that went bad but there are still unresolved issues between us, what is the best way to handle them, do I confront my ex and try and resolve them or do I just move on without having dealt with those issues?

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Our expert says:
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There can be no general, generic answer to this question. It depends on what the issues are, why they remain unresolved, why you feel the need to resolve them, and on the personalities and wishes of each of you. Do try to lose that horribly fashionable word "confront" --- confrontation implies aggression, nose-to-nose glaring, and creating conflict. Occasionally such a response might be warranted, but it rarely if ever produces understanding o the useful answering of significant questions.
Also, what is really necessary for these issues to be resolved ? Is it YOUR understanding of them that needs to improve, or his ? Do you want something in you to change, or something in him ? Does he have to be involved in YOU resolving these issues ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Concerned | 2009/05/03

To answer your questions, my ex verbally and physically abused me which was part of why the relationship went sour. The other part was the fact that he depended on alcohol to cope with his daily stress when he got home from work and he was more concerned about his work than building our relationship. He had a way in which he was able to manipulate me into accepting things and when I eventually started questioning his motives and actions towards me, the abuse started. That is why I ask the question whether he should be part of my healing process or is it best that he not be part of that process?

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