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Posted by: Replaced by Cyber Girls | 2006/04/18

Replaced by Cyber Girls

Dear Doc

I was previously in a 12 year relationship based mostly on the physical. Now I have been in another one for 10 years based on anything but the physical. We are happy, but agree that our sex life is not what it should be. It is beginning to really bug me. He is crazy about porn and I am not. He spends hours on the pc (and we agreed that it is harmless really) since he is not out with anyone. I am very shy and he is the liberal kind. He says that I should be more demanding and "ask for it". I feel he should be the hunter. We have not done it for about 4 months now, plus not kissing like we used to. I am thinking that it is the beginning of the end. We talk about it endlessly but it doesn't help. The thing that really worries me is that in the beginning I was so happy with all the other aspects of the relationship being in place that the lack of fantastic sex did not worry me. I am concerned as his ex starved herself half to death to try and become his sexual ideal/fantasy. It did not work. He just seems to prefer cyber girls to the real thing although he denies this. I seem to be thinking how she did, i.e. if I was sexier, thinner, more proactive.... He is such a nice man in all the other ways, someone you would want to bring home to mom and dad. He says our sex life will recover and I fail to see how it ever will. What do you suggest? ps. He will never go to therapy or the like. He is 43 and I am 41. I also gained weight after being on cortisone for 2 years and that doesn't help me feel confident either. However, when I was thin he still went for the pc more than me anymore. Is this relationship doomed?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Why don't the pair of you see a good relationship counsellor, maybe through FAMSA< to work on improving the over-all quality of your relationship ? Talking about it simply betwen yourselves, seems to be spinning your wheels, and a counsellor could help this to be much more productive. Do NOT allow yourself to fall into the trap of trying to re-shape yourself, physically or mentally, to fit his fantasies --- why shouldn't he rather shape his fantasies to fit available realities ? And what makes him think thatb he is so immensely sexually desirable that he doesn't ever need to change or compromise, and so utterly perfect that he couldn;t join you in counselling so as to help you both be happier ? It sounds a though the primary need for change lies on his side, with his insistance that women have to be impossibly perfect to suit his fancies.

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