Posted by: Sen | 2008/07/02

Relationship matters

Hi CS - I am in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and three months. He moved in to my flat few months after we met. Before he was staying at his mother's house and drives his mother's car.

I need to termininate the relationship because its costing me so much because I have to pay rent, my car and sometimes he would make me use my credit card claiming that you would pay me back.

This has been go on for long and now am in huge debt that occured whilst I am with him. He is running a consulting business and he is not making any money. He always submitt proposals and he has never been successful.

I have asked him several times to look for a job because he is more qualified and he get a good job. I am not sure where he is lazy or there is something that I dont know. His mother and sisters are very support of him, they dont mind that he is not working.

What kills me is that he is using my car and I dont use my car during the week because I work close to my place. My car is accumulating kilometers because of him and I am getting lot of speed fines. I told him more than once to move out and he would trow toys and make me feel bad.

I have made up mind now that I want him to leave - this is too much. I have a 21months old son not with him and my mom that I look after.

I need words to talk to him without have to fight and he can just take his clothes and leave me at peace. The thing is I dont have a respect for him anymore. Sexually I dont feel anything.

Please I need your advice

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Our expert says:
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He is foolish to lurch into a consulting business in a field where apparently he doesn't yet have sufficient status to have people want to buy his advice. Far better to take a well-paying job within the field, and grow his reputation before making such a move. And to do so while expecting you to carry all the expenses isn't acceptable ( I wonder whether his prior record of living at home and driving his mother's car shouldn't have warned you that he isn't keen on supporting himself and apparently has never done so, so far ? )
I doubt that we can give you any magic words. YOu need to choose a calm time if possible, when there is time to talk, and simply tell him that this relationship is not working out and that you have to give priority to your committments to your child and mother, and especially as he doesn't share expenses or repay loans, you can't aford to continue to keep him. Don't allow him to make you feel bad. Insist that he must stop using your car ( maybe take it and leave it for a time in a friend's garage? ) and must pay all the fines he has accumulated, and make plans to move out, even if initially back to his mother's home, and to look after himself. Try to make it clear that you don't have ugly feelings for him, but rather a lack of feeling and a concern that he is a luxury you simply cannot afford, and that it is time he took responsibility for caring for himself.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Iyo | 2008/07/02

I will never understand this...Why did u move in with him in the first place????? Just tell him straight that u r not coping financially and all of this started when he moved in with u...

Reply to Iyo

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