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Posted by: anon-c | 2007/04/17

relationship issues

Hi
I have not posted for a while but have been reading postings on the forum! I need some advice - partner and I had some problems early in last year - broke up, made up about 4 times.Then December we sat down and chatted and he told me to go on holiday and "reflect" on things and then come back and tell him what I have decided to do! I went away with the kids and when I came back, we had a fight on Friday and Sunday (because he called me on his ex's name), so we never really got down to talking! Anyway, at the moment we sleep in different rooms but when we are around family or friends, he makes as if we are the happy couple! He talks long-term like if he puts extra money into the bond, it will be paid off in 4 years! Yet, things at home are not right! I have 2 kids from a previous marriage and we have one together, he has 2 kids, one lives in Jhb and visits every 2nd weekend, the other lives in Cape Town (and this is also a big issue). I have now reached a point where I just cut off but at the same time I realize that the situation we are in, is not a good one - for me or the kids! His brother passed away last year and we went down to Cape Town last week to scatter his ashes! I have been telling myself that after that is done, I will have a look at my what I want to do but now he has family coming over from Australia and have offered them accommodation! It is only for a weekend but I have to wait till they leave! But emotionally I am so tired of the bickering and fighting that I just don't know what to do! Sorry for the long posting but thanks for reading!!!

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Our expert says:
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Wouldn't marriage counselling be a really good investment ? Often it can help you to work together and solve the problems you are experiencing, and even if some problems turn out to be insoluble, you can both learn how things went wrong and at least how to avoid such difficulties in the future

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shae | 2007/04/17

One wonders what all this bickering and instability will do to the kids involved. I will never understand why it is that people who are emotionally immature could even think about breeding because with that comes the inheritence of more dysfunction. Im sorry if im being harsh but in my book the well being of these kids should be most important, whether that be the adults working it out or not - isnt that what being a parent is about.

You and your partner should introspect on yourselves and focus on the bigger picture - either you're both gonna put in what it takes to create a stable healthy home for yourselves and the kids, or you're not. I am fully aware that this is allot easier said than done, but when we decide to have kids we give up the right to live selfishly.

Reply to Shae
Posted by: Shae | 2007/04/17

One wonders what all this bickering and instability will do to the kids involved. I will never understand why it is that people who are emotionally immature could even think about breeding because with that comes the inheritence of more dysfunction. Im sorry if im being harsh but in my book the well being of these kids should be most important, whether that be the adults working it out or not - isnt that what being a parent is about.

You and your partner should introspect on yourselves and focus on the bigger picture - either you're both gonna put in what it takes to create a stable healthy home for yourselves and the kids, or you're not. I am fully aware that this is allot easier said than done, but when we decide to have kids we give up the right to live selfishly.

Reply to Shae
Posted by: anon-c | 2007/04/17

Hi Joy
Thanks for your reply!
Let's see if I can condense the story - we had a major break-up in March last year - because I had been emailing (edating) someone in England because we were basically "living" past each other! He wanted us make up and I asked him if he was able to work through the reason for us breaking up and he said yes but will stil ask lots of questions and I must be honest in my answers! It did not really work out because he was always second-guessing me on everything! Then with the last break up he insisted that he would only make up with me if he could have total control over MY bank account and I initially agreed but then wasn't happy because I had no idea what was happening in his! With the break up he also told me that he wasn't going to work on the relationship if we got back together! We were supposed to go on holiday together but because of the talk we had had, he decided he wasn't going to and I had already made arrangement to go down and paid for it so I went. We have not been sleeping together since October last year and to me that is not how a relationship works! We are basically house partners!!

Reply to anon-c
Posted by: Joy | 2007/04/17

Your post is lengthy but holds nothing to really advise on. What are you fighting about? I mean initially..why is it that you had to go on holiday. Sure i can understand why you're upset after him having called you by his exes name, but where do all the problems root from and whats the bickering about? If he called you by the exes name, i'm wondering if he wasnt spending time with her while you were gone.

Reply to Joy

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