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Posted by: Joelle | 2012/09/20

Relationship II

Thank you so much for your reply. You''re right to think we both have low self-esteem, maybe that''s the main reason why it''s so hard. Maybe he tells me about these other girls because he feels I have more chances of finding another man soon, and that hurts me because I feel I might lose him to one of them... In truth, I know with time I could find someone new, but I don''t want to, I cannot imagine myself with anyone else because I love him and our relationship was actually very passionate and fulfilling before all this.

I forgot to tell you that he is incredibly busy getting ready to teach a subject or two that he has never taught before, in a new school, in a language he still doesn''t feel too comfortable with. That all makes him nervous and I''m aware that I''m not giving him all the support that he expected from me and needs. But I don''t know how to do it. He wishes I could have interesting conversations with him at the end of the day to help him laugh and relax but there isn''t much going on when he isn''t there. I don''t really have enough to talk about plus I''ve never been a party animal. Still I do try, I tell him about my day (which he asks about) and I ask about his day, what he did, what he had for lunch, etc.. But his replies are short and the conversation stops there. Then there''s silence. But while silence doens''t scare me, it''t not the same with him. He often prefers to leave the house and be by himself. And if I say I want to come too, he says he will stay home and I can go for a walk by myself.
Therapy will never be possible. How can I deal with this the most effective way possible? Ignoring him a little and pretending his comments don''t hurt didn''t help. Then I tried to talk to him, I followed him everywhere in the hope I''d be able to make him talk but my inability to succeed only made things worse. He doesn''t believe I miss him, he is convinced that I am happy that he isn''t around much. But I''m starting to miss him too much. He''s there but it''s like there is so much distance between us all the time. I knoa he feels the same too and he wishes nothing but for things to work, but he doesn''t believe in us anymore and is too hurt to talk to me.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

And yet maybe he fears, nor that you would lose him to one of these other girls, but that he would lose you, and he wants you to think he has plenty of alternatives.
But now you reveal that he is not merely very busy, but also really stressed, teaching at a new school, in a language he's not comfortable in, and teaching new subjects. Yes, he must need your support and encouragement.
The conversations most people most appreciate are really about themselves, rather than someone else chirpily opening a chat about the grain harvest in Belorus. What other topics interest him ? In the good days, what did the pair of you talk about ?
Follwing him around and trying too hard to get close may be off-putting for him. Have you asked him how you can be most supportive and helpful for him ? Mention from time to time that you miss him when he's not around, and enjoy him when he is around.
Tell him you're worred that he is behaving as though he is depressed, and growing distant from you, and you'd like to be able to help
There are limits to how much you can help someone without their co-operation, other than making it very clear that you want to help and are ready when they are. Otherwise i's like trying to play tennis with someone who hasn't picked up their raquet, and wont watch the ball.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2012/09/20

You need to find something to fill your days - sign up for a short course, do some volunteer work etc. Then you will feel better about yourself and you will have something to talk about.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/09/20

And yet maybe he fears, nor that you would lose him to one of these other girls, but that he would lose you, and he wants you to think he has plenty of alternatives.
But now you reveal that he is not merely very busy, but also really stressed, teaching at a new school, in a language he's not comfortable in, and teaching new subjects. Yes, he must need your support and encouragement.
The conversations most people most appreciate are really about themselves, rather than someone else chirpily opening a chat about the grain harvest in Belorus. What other topics interest him ? In the good days, what did the pair of you talk about ?
Follwing him around and trying too hard to get close may be off-putting for him. Have you asked him how you can be most supportive and helpful for him ? Mention from time to time that you miss him when he's not around, and enjoy him when he is around.
Tell him you're worred that he is behaving as though he is depressed, and growing distant from you, and you'd like to be able to help
There are limits to how much you can help someone without their co-operation, other than making it very clear that you want to help and are ready when they are. Otherwise i's like trying to play tennis with someone who hasn't picked up their raquet, and wont watch the ball.

Reply to cybershrink

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