Posted by: Cindy | 2009/10/02

Relationship dilema


My boyfriend and i have been dating for 6 years and engaged for 5 months. He recently found messages that another guy had been sending me on facebook a year ago. He describes the messages as flirty and cheating but that is not how I see it. I havent seen the guy in person ever- except for the first time we met and now my boyfriend had called off the wedding and says he has no trust left for me. I dont understand this as he has been in contact with the guy who reiterated to him that there was nothing going on between us. He has always had a problem with me having male friends and I was always aware that it stemmed from HIS insecurities and not my possible infidelity. Im 24 and have invested so many years in this relationship im not sure if i should fight for it or just wait and see what happens. He is absolutely adamand that i am untrustworthy, how do we build the trust again? Is thats possible? Do we take a break? please help

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Our expert says:
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The conflict is probably not about the facebook messages as such, mut suggests that all is not well between you in other ways, too, and couples counselling would probably be the best way to sort this out. It sounds VERY much as though your bf was looking for an excuse to call off the wedding, as he is grossly over-reacting to the ostensible issue. He sounds insecure, excessively possessive and jealous, and ferankly maybe not ready for marirage, even after 6 years. Counselling might be able to sort it out. Its not for you to "build up the trust" again --- what, for another 6 years ? Becaue he is insecure ? People who over-react and accuse their partner of infidelity may have been unfaithful in some way themselves.

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Our users say:
Posted by: almost mad | 2009/10/02

I was with a guy for three years and thought I would marry, but eventually I realised that i had no friends and no life. He was much like your bf, i also had to get rid of all my male friends. I ended up resenting him for it and our relationship ended. I suggest councelling if you guys want to work through this. If he is being this childish and refuses to be with you cause of trust issues then I think there might be some other reasons for his behaviour and you should take it as your time to leave and start a better, more healthy relationship

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Posted by: Cindy | 2009/10/02

hI thanks for the speedy reply

forgot to also add that there were numerous issues in the first 2 years of dating when i had guy friends - PURELY PLATONIC that he overeacted to by having me cut them off completely. As a result of that when he found out about this incident, i lied to him about the details thereof knowing he would overeact. I have gone to him and owned my wrong by confessing about the lies but he still believes that there is no trust. There have been numerous incidents however were he did not provide me support I needed emotionally and told me to get someone else to confide in coz he just does not have the time to deal with me... does this change ur previous advise at all? Also we have been trying to move forward and he states he loves me and he wish he could but he cant. i believe moving forward is a choice u make and then focus on the work needed to do so. please advise

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