Posted by: Sarah | 2004/11/22


I am not sure I even have a problem or perhaps i am being oversensitive. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. The problem is that over the past few months I have seen a side to him which i do not like. He is a wonderful man and I am deeply inlove with him, however there are times where we will argue over something trivial and he always needs to win. If I continue to argue with him, he becomes furious and tells me not to come near him. I usually end up in tears because i am convinced he is going to leave me. We get on really well most of the time, but now I am consciously trying to be submissive so that he doesnt get annoyed. I love this man so much and i do want this relationship. Also he said that he is a private person and even though we share alot, he cannot share what he likes sexually with me. I was quite hurt by this, as i thought we could talk abt anything. Now I wonder what else he cannot share with me. I now feel like I need to become a bit more guarded and not as open as I have been in the past. Please advise!

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Our expert says:
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Mabe this illustrates the value of a long courtship, that it gives a better chance of getting to know the person more fully, including aspects you don't like, rather than discovering them only after marriage ! COnsider pre-marriage, relationship counselling, to work out these wrinkles in your communications and relationship. I don't think it's a great idea to base you long-term relatonship on you being submissive and obedient --- that's be bad for both of you. Counselling could help him to open up more --- and if he can't share with you what he likes sexually, he may never find it !

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sarah | 2004/11/23

Thanks so much everyone for your pearls of wisdom, guess I'm not being oversensitive then :-)

Reply to Sarah
Posted by: Dawie | 2004/11/22

Hi Sarah,

I can't pass on this - need to add my five cants - your partner HAS to be your best friend and soul mate, and thus to me, if he can't discuss anything and everything with you, and/or makes you feel like you are inferior, there is a HUGE problem. You cannot sweep things like this under the carpet, and you must'nt! Unfortunately, many partners 'accept' certain behaviour patterns for fear of losing a loved one - this is your calling cardl! Get him to see a councellorwith you, or without you, and work these things out. They don't always/necessarily go away, and invariably get worse as time progresses. You do have reason for concern.

May you find the answers - don't accept second best, 'cause that's what you'll be for the rest of your life.


Reply to Dawie
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/22

His Sarah,

Tend to agree with CS. Wile on that point, would you not thin it may just ne too much of familiarity breeding into cotemp? It's best to tackle issues when the happen, but it's also not good to insist or force an issue. Getting the last word in could be a type of powerplay where he stills feels ok within coz he was able to get the last word in. Often though, those last words hurt the most.
If you guys are serious, in concideration of a long term relationship, then pre-marital counselling would be very suggestiive. Communication is ver important too, & the way you carry this task out. & so is timing... Hey, being in a realtionship is very hard work so it definitely calls for a good does of positive effort.
Respect of privacy is also good, but not if it involves to many bos nights out & such things.

At the end of the day, it is you that is going to be in the realtionship, so it is up to you to be comfortably satisfied in it, & remember, here too, the feeling must be mutual.

My opinion is that something is either bothering him, or constanly on his mind, & he may feel embarrassed/hesitant to talk it out with you for fear of you re-action.

Just my 2 cents Sarah,
Take care,

Reply to Shaun

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