Our expert says:
Obviously, you've had far more than your fair share of serious events and sadness to try to cope with. One might think that feeling tired while on medication might be a lot better than feeling sicidal, panic attacks, and so on. You're absolutely right that you need to get this all under control, with the advice and assistance of a local shrink ; and if so far you haven't found one who best suited you, keep trying. You need to be even more persistent in trying to find the right people and treatments to help you get things right, than this set of problems have been persistent in troubling you. You're worth it, and can get beyond this, to achieve a level of calm and achievement. You've been brave enough to survive this far, maintain and even improve on that, so you can eventually reap the rewards you've been working towards.
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