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Question
Posted by: Tim | 2007/04/24

Reasoning with the Unreasonable

Hey doc

i'm not sure if there's actually a Q in all this, but i'm so tired, saddened and frustrated that i just have to say something.

i'm sure many people will know where i'm coming from - trying everything that ypu possibly can to talk, listen and reason with someone who is making a mistake - in the eyes of everyone but them.

i do Not want to be able to say "i told you so" to a long-distance friend (originally from SA) when her cheating boyfriend (who has slept with 3 other girls while she saves herself for marriage) hurts her.

i'm sure there're so many instances when you wish reasoning could just fall upon someone and open there eyes. we try open their eyes for them, and even with the perfect approach, there's no avail.

it seems the desire to hold on to something.. the illusion created to fulfill a need or gap is one of the strongest things we know.

one of the most saddening things, too.

and to have to sit back and wait for the inevitable hurt..

any reasoning was futile from the start


but you could've told me so.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some people won't allow anyone to interferewith their delusions, and stubbornly insist on deep denial of reality while clinging to their insistance that things are the way they want them to be and not the way they are. But apart from warning and expressing your concerns, there is no more you can do --- and it isn't your task to prevent them from doing stupid things if, having been warned, they really insist. Letting her experience the results of her refusal to face reality may be the only way she will learn the necessity to face and deal with reality and not her fantasies.
Chelle's comments are typically wise and helpful

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Our users say:
Posted by: Chelle | 2007/04/25

Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to actually let people make their own mistakes - as hard as it may be. Of course we have some obligation to make people aware of things they might not know, in order for them to make an truly informed decision.

But, when you've done your utmost to share the facts and the person doesn't respond in a way you'd expect, then you have to let go, and let them bump their own head - then, be a cushion for their fall, without saying "I told you so".

Everyone has their own reasons for doing something, and everyone learns lessons in their own time and in their own way.

Of course, friends who continually do the same thing over and over and continually call you in to fix their messes are another story - and one can reach a stage where you decide not to be the cushion anymore.

Always remember that true growth comes from your own experience and not usually the words of others, although those words do often help.

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