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Posted by: Enough! | 2005/12/07

Really Enough. But thanks.

I have considered all your postings of yesterday and came to these conclusions:
The only good reason you give me to stay alive is my family and friends. Well, I do not consider my husband a very good friend. He irritates me most of the time because he is such a immature man. He always has some sort of pain or suffering. And I don't care to deal with it anymore. As with the baby (she is 22 months), I really am not a motherly type. I gave birth to her. That was my worldly debt. I had to give her to the world before I can go. Now I am free to leave. I love her yes. Very much. But once she starts wining or crying, I can easily kill her. This life is slowly choking the life out of me. So why in hell can I not end it now? Yes it will be devastating, but she is still young enough not to ever have known better.

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Our expert says:
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Actually, you may be misreading us. The awful impact on family and friends is always relevant, but far from the only reason for rejecting suicide and working harder with proper expert help to recover from this Depression and find your own personal happiness again --- once the Depression is over, there is surely a lot more in life you will enjoy, and do, for the benefit of yourself and others. Part of this could indeed be a Post-Natal Depression.
Everything you describe about how things are for you nowadays, sounds typical of a severe, treatable depressiopn which can be greatly improved. Your child is not too young to escape the negative impact of a parent's suicide.
And Bb identifies one other critical flaw in your reasoning --- you are insisting on seeking a permanent and irreversible response to a temporary and reversible illness.
And consider the following aspect, too. GO and see the best psychiatrist you can find and tell him/her exactly how you have been feeling and what you have been considering. Take his/her advice and work hard with such help for a further 9 months, to get this right. If this works, you will have a tranformed and happier and more satisfying life. If it fails ( and I dont think it will ) you will be no worse off and free to take a different approach, at least knowing that you have properly tried to get things right, and that you will have given yourself and your child the best chance.
There is nothing that is wrong with life as you find it today, that can't be changed for the better.
In your later descripion of the situation it is clear that you had a really bad deal in life -- so far --- and were neglected and hurt by people who should instead have cherished and protected you. You have been able to learn, by experience, so much about what should not be done, you have the capacity to be a great mother. And to protect your child, as nobody else could do so well, against so many of the risks and hurts in life, which you experienced earlier. And you, too, can become someone stronger, happier and more able to handle life than you have been so far --- you too have the opportunity to learn and grow, and become wiser and more competent.
It is not a question of "sticking around to witness her pain", but of being around to prevent much of her pain.
And even if you have previously had other hospital admissions and treatments which didn't work as well as one would want, this does not mean that next time won't be the time it comes together and works properly.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: waterblom | 2005/12/07

Surely the fact that so many strangers are concerned about you and your baby must make you realize what a special soul you are. You have been chosen to give life to a child and to bring her up with all the love you never had.
Unzip your heart my friend and let the love buried there flow, I am sure you will be astounded as too how much love you are storing there.
Keep writing.

Reply to waterblom
Posted by: blowersdaughter | 2005/12/07

you have a heightened perception to events.
please have your self checked up. whatever you are feeling now is NOT your true self.

Reply to blowersdaughter
Posted by: blowersdaughter | 2005/12/07

if nothing here makes sense, or no matter how much you try to listen and understand, nothing sinks in then please consider going to a doctor, it could be a chemical imbalance thats causing your perception of life to be as it is.

Reply to blowersdaughter
Posted by: Ness | 2005/12/07

God Enough, I know exactly how you feel. I have been there and it is aweful. I used to wake up in the morning and not want to face another day of being sad and depressed. Breathing was hard, it just seemed so much easier just to end everything. And everyone said "what about you daughter" I used to look at them and think "I am a shocking mother, she is better off without me, I am doing her a favour".

I got away, it turned out I had a physical problem, hormonal, I am not sure if that is what is wrong with you or not. But try this on for size. Put the suicide off for a week, take a few days off for yourself, leave little one with dad and go stay with a friend. It sound terrible to say put it off, but I felt like I was in AA, one day at a time.

Reply to Ness
Posted by: «Parab☻la»™ | 2005/12/07

If the only reason to live is to be ALIVE, then that is enough.

Reply to «Parab☻la»™
Posted by: M | 2005/12/07

All of us have struggles in life that we have to overcome. I'm 30 and have been suffering with bulimia for 15 years, thats half my life! Been suffering with panick attacks just about to the point of fainting whilst driving. I'm taking meds for the attacks, and are adimant to beat the bulimia, but it takes lots of strenght and will power. I have been clear for 4 days now, and taking each day slowly. You just have to be positive about life and your future. You can beat this and have a happy future!

Keep facing the sun and the shadows will fall behind you!

Your little girl needs you in her life so that she doesnt go through the same things you did. Be strong and get help.

Reply to M
Posted by: Jade | 2005/12/07

Hi Enough !
Well glad to hear you around today. You should really go the doc who changed your meds immediately as they are clearly not helping you.

Your daughter is bound to have hard times ahead of her, but she will have unbearable times ahead of her if her mom isn't around to guide her, comfort her, love her & support her.
My mom was my closest friend. She no matter what loved me unconditionaly. It is that love that helps you get through life. You need to live life cos you want to LIVE it. You can see that there are many people here who care about your well being, but you can only take a horse to the water, you can't force it to drink. We can only help you so much, the rest is up to you. Go get the help you deserve !!! You have taken the step of speaking out on this forum and we all have tried to help you, but now we've taken you to the water & only you can now help yourself.
Please get help & seek a good therapist to work through your lifes troubles. In the meantime, phone the help line and chat to someone there, or speak to ZeeZee.

My nephew is 23 months old, and I look at him in amazement! Even though he is so young he is so dependent on his parents for love & support. He falls and hurts himself, we are all there, but Mommy is the first person he runs too.

Your daughter may be young, but even a baby a day old, knows who its mommy is and needs its mommy more than anyone else.

Stop allowing yourself to consider the possibility of suicide. The more you think about it the more deluded you become, and start thinking its the only way out, BUT ITS NOT !!!!!!
You are choosing to feed the bad wolf !!!
Its your choice, but we all hope that from today you start to feed the good wolf.

Reply to Jade
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/07

There you have it! You have given your little girl life, and through her you can give her the most awesom elife full of protection, love, understanding, all the thigns you wish you had. Now its your turn to see the joy on your daughters face, feel the warmth of her heart, all the things you have created.

Dont be scared. If you leave now, your daughter will surely go through much of what you went through. You have SO MUCH in your heart to give to your little girl, so much love, so deep and caring. Give it to her, and through her you will heal yourself. You will watch your girl grow up to be a wonderful person, and in your heart you will be so damn proud, and more than that, you will feel healed. You need to heal from your past, and much of this healing can come from giving of your heart to your daughter.

Team up with your daughter, and live for her, for yourself, so oneday you will look at her, and be so damn proud and happy, and have put her arms around you, hold you tight, and tell you how much she loves you. That is something very worth living for! The LOVE!

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: ... | 2005/12/07

It's not wrong... but as i said earlier... the future doesn't have to be the same as the past.... you've lived through soooo much... you have to have had strength to get through that... and what you need to do now... even if it feels impossible... is to realise your strength... and draw upon it... and get past this phase... but you can't do this alone... you need to find a really good therapist.. and take it from there......... stop focussing on the past... it's the future that counts now... and stop thinking about it as sticking around to witness her pain.... think about it as sticking around to help her through her pain.. but most importantly to witness her achievements and her happiness.. the happiness she will have.. because her mom is there to share her life with her...........

Reply to ...
Posted by: Enough! | 2005/12/07

This world is so full of heart ache. I want to cry just thinking of what she still has to go through. Who knows how she will turn out? Even if I'm a great mom! When I was 6 my own mom gave me up for adoption. Then my adoptive father abused me for ten years. Then I got involved in satanism, lesbeinism, drugs and prostitution. I tried to commit suicide more times than I can count. In and out of institutions. I know the worst that life has to offer. Not only am I bored with life, but scared of it. For her. My precious baby. I don't want to stick around to witness her pain. Is that so wrong?

Reply to Enough!
Posted by: El-Jo | 2005/12/07

"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is a beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is life, fight for it!”
~Mother Theresa

Reply to El-Jo
Posted by: ... | 2005/12/07

just remember that your future life doesn't have to be the same as it is now, or as it has been in the past... there are ways to overcome what you feel now... It's true what FIO says... this is about YOU... and how much you deserve to live a happy fulfilling life...

Reply to ...
Posted by: ZeeZee | 2005/12/07

Hi Enough

Here is my msn messenger adress if you've got messenger please talk to me. I am at my house the whole day and maybe you just need someone to talk to. I will listen sakkies add msn dot co dot za.

Reply to ZeeZee
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/07

Ok, my turn to jump on this band wagon. Firstly, I have not read your previous postings, and I'm not going to either. What you have said here is enough for me to have my say! I'll go back and read yesterdays stuff after I replied to this one today.

Firstly, the only reason you want to kill your baby when the crying etc starts is coz you are so at the end of your tether that you haven't the time or patience to be the mom you really are. You say you love your daughter, of course you do, she half of you! Yes, she she carries half your genes, so in deserting the world you are deserting yourself.

Secondly, its not about staying alive for other people. This is your life, it should be that you stay alive for yourself. I know everything seems to be about other people, what will they think, how will they feel, what about your daughter etc etc, but you're feeling "what about me?"

Lots about you, lots. You are allowing other people and situations to short-change your life! Ok, lots of it is beyond your control, you cont control the world around you. But what you can control is how you respond to it. I'm going to stick my neck out here, and say you have rsponsibility towards only two people in this world, really - Yourself, and your baby.

The whole thing about life is that everything we do, we actually do for ourselves, and as a consequence of that, the human species survives. So, be responsible towards yourself and your baby, and make that the only reason right now for you to stay alive. You shouldn't be staying alive because everyone is making you feel guilty about dying and leaving them all heart broken and having to deal with funerals, loss etc. You need to stay alive because you WANT to live, maybe not the life you are currently living now, but that does not mean you do not want life.

If you really did not want life, you would not be on this forum, not so? So lets take this as a start, and build on it, build on you and your baby.

Now I'm going back to read your previous postings...

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Mona | 2005/12/07

Just by posting here again today, shows that there is a part of you that is unsure about doing this. PLEASE ask your doc today to have you admitted for treatment. At least just try it first before making any permanent choices! You are that little girls whole life, and you need to give her a chance!

Reply to Mona
Posted by: Bb | 2005/12/07

"but she is still young enough not to ever have known better"

I would like to tell you that my dad commited suicide when I was young and not a day passes that I dont think that he made the choice not to be here with me now and wonder why didnt he love me enough to stay and raise me.

A parents responsibility is not to just bring a child into this world. You have to love, nurture and shape that little person into someone wonderful. The relationship between a mother and daughter is one of the most special things on earth, my mom is my best friend. How can you deprive her of that.

I know things may feel really really sheety right now, but its temporary and fixable if you are willing.

Why seek a permanent solution to a temporary problem?

Reply to Bb
Posted by: Ogg | 2005/12/07

You do want to punish them. Don't you? How selfish you are. Why don't you listen and get help?

Reply to Ogg
Posted by: Friend | 2005/12/07

Enough

I have read all the postings about you. I have nothing to add except that I pray to God this morning and ask him to take hold of your heart and hold you as a child and love you.

Reply to Friend
Posted by: Lois_Lane | 2005/12/07

are you really not interested in hearing your little one say "i love you mommy", put her little arms around you and hold you like there is no tomorrow. look up at you with eyes full of love and pride, and you just see the love in her face. do you not want to be around when she falls and hurts herself and the only one that can make it better is a kiss from mommy and a band aid? is this really what you want? do you really want your little one to grow up not having her mommy?

Reply to Lois_Lane

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