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Question
Posted by: Kyla | 2004/11/11

Really depressed, need help!

I am in a three year relationship with a man i love dearly. Things have been off for a month now, and i spoke to him last night. He says things are just not the same, that he regrets moving in together. He often goes out on his own, and only returns the next day. He says he is not cheating on me. I feel alone and depressed, i am not sleeping at all, and feel physically ill. I think I may be pregnant. I am not going to tell hm if i am, i dont want that to be the only reason we stay together. I feel like i am drowning in sadness. He says he wants to work it out, and that he still loves me. I am afraid he is no longer in love with me, how do we rekindle what we had?

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Our expert says:
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I wonder where he's been spending these nights ? Mabe with a male pal, or at home ? See a counsellor to work on your own troubles, and to discover better ways of dealing with the situation as a whole. And if he seriously does want to work it out between you, why don't you both get into relationships counselling asap ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/11

Hi Kyla,

Yes it does make sense. I can understand you not wanting to lose him, but you must keep this option at the back of your mind as he is entitled to his own feelings.
Are you maybe not trying too hard Kyla? Sometimes, or at least I know with me, if there is something on my mind & you make it an issue or bring it up, then I try avoid the subject even more further... kinda withdraw even more. Or sometimes I kinda waffle a bit but my main objective is to change the subject or make it seem trivial.
Is it not something he may need to work on first by himself? He does sound like he has issues at the moment, where counselling could help him. Remember though, only suggest it to him, as he should have the "want/need" to change. Meaning you cannot force him, but you sound you're quite an accommodating person so I'm sure you know this.
The more you ask that question, the more I seem to think that time apart is what your'll may need. I hope & pray the pregnancy could be a false alarm, as he sounds to me like he already feels "trapped", so therefore I suggest that you give him his space for a while.
Counselling sounds rather a good option for both of you right now, so please consider this seriously.
Please don't allow my comments about your maybe being pregnant cause you more concern. Know that you recognise the situation & that you're keen to take the appropriate steps to try & correct it. I did a posting once on some reading matter that was titled "The first step of change is action". So, know that having the need/want to make a difference is not all, it's when you start taking the necessary action that the change begins to take place.

As I said Kyla, don't despair, all is not as bad as it seems right now. As humans, when we're placed in a confusing or panicky situation we seem to instinctively develop a kind of tunnel-vision in our thought processes. It's when we start looking at our options, sincerely, that we see that things are not as bad as we first thought.

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Kyla | 2004/11/11

Hi Shaun,

It is like pulling teeth getting him to talk to me, i tried believe me. I have to say something and then he either agrees, disagrees, elaborates or ignores the issue.

He says he does not know what has changed, when, or how to fix it. How do you even begin to work on something that is undefinable?

I dont want to lose him, we may love eac other, but i dont think he is in love with me anymore. if that makes any sense. how do i get back to where things were great?

Reply to Kyla
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/11

Hey Kyla,

Don't despair, he still says he loves you after all. Cry if you must, but know that I can understand what you might be going through. Love is more often than not quite hurtful & brings with it A whole lot of stress, but it also can be quite an experience that makes you feel real good inside... I'm sure you can relate to this as well.
May I suggest that you consider a home pregnancy test from any chemist, at least that way you can be certain about one thing that has got you so worried & adding to your dilemna.
Maybe you guys need some time apart. This sometimes help as you get to miss each other & realise what you may be missing out on. It does sound a tad aweful that he said he regrets moving in together though. He might just be feeling a bit smothered/stifled in the relationship, so maybe he just goes out on his own to get away from a situation that may have some time on his own. This becomes an easier getaway situation if he meets with friends.
Not sleeping is not good for you right now, as I'm sure you may have realised. Think about the time apart as it does sometimes make a difference.
You guys have been together for 3 years already... Oh, I would also like to suggest you take some time to read the postings from Johan & Kelly, as they give insight from both perspectives as to a relationship that becomes a bit "stagnant"...
He says he wants to work it out, so take comfort in that knowledge at least. Ask him how he intends working through this. Also, take time out to think about the happy times you guys shared, so you can again have an idea what could be missing, or maybe what is needed for you guys to get what you had before.
Sometimes we spend so much time with our partners that we each get to the stage that we take the other for granted in certain aspects. Ask him the things about you that may annoy him, & at the same time tell him the same about him. Also concentrate on those things that you really like/enjoy about him.

Hang in there Kyla, sometimes all thats needed is just time...

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Kyla | 2004/11/11

Anyone out there? Help. I feel so sad. the tears wont stop.

Reply to Kyla

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