Posted by: Not so innocent | 2005/11/28

Ready for divorce?

I have been married for 6 years and though I felt I was making a mistake on my wedding day, I put it down to pre-wedding jitters. I can honestly say the time together hasn't been ALL bad, but the little things that niggled then still do, the only difference is that way back then, I felt grateful that someone actually wanted me!!! Problems include amongst others: He stays out till the early morning hours (not every night) and never bothers to phone and let me know he's ok and going to be late. He never apologises for coming home that late, just says that I should know that when he plays darts, LAN games, etc that it will be late. He is also not there in times of crisis, like car trouble, but rather tells me to sort out my own sh*t. Talking to him feels like talking to a brick wall, it's as if he can only see his truth and can't accept that people may differ. He says he only trusts facts and figures, where I am an emotions person. When I tried to tell him in the past how I felt, his answer was always along the lines of "rubbish" or "BS" This made me feel as if he denies my right to feel what I'm feeling. 3 month ago, i had to leave for a weekend away- school sports tour (i'm a teacher) He is a chef and works shifts, so we don't see each other all that much anyway, but he was off on the Thursday and went out with his buddies to a party. I phoned him at 20:00 to find out what time he's coming home and he said he was leaving then- well suffice it to say he only arrived home at 3:30 the following morning (and I had to leave at 5:30) with no apology or explanation. That night I decided enough is enough and to get a divorce, yet I stayed and now I've lost momentum. My best friend of over 20years told me to look at our situation as if I'm watching a soapie and see my reaction- well I'm on the couch shouting at myself "what are you still doing there?"Since then he has given me an ultimatum and after I said yes, I want to get a divorce, he managed to implant such fear in me: I must remember that he won't be there to tell me when people are using me, I'll see the real world and then it will be too late, etc etc. I'm 30 years old, and don't want to make the wrong decision, but I know that I will never have children with him and even though things go better for a while they alway go back to being worse and always over tha same issues. I made the mistake of cheating on him, surely this shows that I don't really love him anymore. Why then am I finding it so difficult to follow through with my decision to get a divorce? How do you know it's the right thing to do?

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Our expert says:
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He says you need him to tell you when people are using you ? Why, does he consider using you to be his own prerogative ? If you thought there was anything worth salvaging in the marriage, you'd need to try to talk him into sincerely accompanying you into marriage counselling. If not, see a personal counsellor to help you work on your own inhibitions against divorce, while there's still tme for you to form a happier second relationship, more cautiously but, I'd hope, more fulfillingly.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/11/29

The one thing that struck me in your posting, is your low sense of self-worth. You say you were only too glad that somebody WANTED you. Do you perhaps think you might have had an affair because that man WANTED you (for his own selfish reasons)? You tolerate a dysfunctional marriage, because at least you're somebody's wife and that means somebody still wants you. You know that you're unhappy, but you don't take charge of the situation to change things for the better, or to get out of this marriage. This could all be related to your insecurity and low self-esteem. Too scared to make a decision, so you'd rather leave things as they are, despite your (and your husband's) unhappiness.

The way your husband is conducting this marriage, is unacceptable. But you need to focus on yourself at the moment. Go for counselling in order to work through these issues. In so doing, you will have a better idea of what exactly it is you expect of your husband and yourself. Once you accept and love yourself as a complete person (with or without being wanted), you will have the courage to make the right decision for you.

I wish you all the best, and remember, you are worth a lot more than you give yourself credit for. Good luck!

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Jakes | 2005/11/28

You felt grateful someone actually wanted you - says most of it. I agree with CS - you must get counselling for yourself - get to know yourself and realise you are worth much, much more than being glad there was someone out there wanting you.

Reply to Jakes
Posted by: Southernwrite | 2005/11/28

Yes you sure are - cheating on him does not help either - now you feeling partly to blame ? - Nobody ever knows if it is the right thing to do, just like when you got married, just when you cheated on him (you never know)

Reply to Southernwrite

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