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Posted by: Matthew | 2004/11/09

re: my mouth

I sit there in front of people and I really want to make the othher person feel good and happy around me. I'll go quite far to make sure that happens, even if it means complimenting them and sending them nice letters. I want people to not feel awful around me and have fun hopefully.
But they just can't, I now know why I have a social phobia.
I have no idea how to talk to people and I sometimes think to myself that I have nothing to offer. The amount of people that have left me is quite bad. I can understand why, because I try to act happy but can only seem to keep it up for so long. I do it for them and I also do it for me because I'd also like to have a friend as well. I want to be loved and cared for and liked. I am special and really smart and it kills me that I can't express what talents I have. I am so special and unique.
When I talk with people I just sit there and everyt now and then just ask a question. It's quite interesting, I try not to attract attention to myself by never talking about myself or things that I believe or know. I don't want people to look at me, if I talk the person will look at me. When I talk and not just ask questions I am constantly worrying the whole time while I utter each word that I forget what I'm about to say and say stupid things. After I have said something the room goes quiet. I feel absolutely after speaking or while doing it. Before I say something I analyze it over and over again in my head in fear that it might sound stupid if I say it out loud. Nobody wants to be around me because obviously no one wants to be around a person who can't just talk. People look at me funny when I try and talk because they can see I'm battling inside so much and so utterly petrified. Everybody thinks that I am braindead and have no thoughts of my own and am not important. I get hurt so badly by people, yet I am so kind and loving. I'm like a little girl ready to be nice, but in a way can't show it and people rip me off and abuse me all the time. I have been abused for most of my life. People put their garbage in my bag or spit on me, because they can't take this weirdo that is hanging around desperate for a friend. What they don't understand is that I'm frightened and never really want to hurt people unless they really hurt me. I'm so desperate to have a friend that if someone is abuse tome I just stand there and smile and maybe say geez thanks a lot. I don't want to say, get lost asshole, because if I do they will be worse to me and that will hurt me more than they will ever know! Please don't hurt me!! They are scratching at the walls and I can't sleep. So many hands, and they want me, and I want them to see my big heart, but they will soon realise that I am so awkward in terms of socialising. So what do I do?? The logical thing to do. I avoid people and stay at home with my mom, the safest place to be.... I think.
Being at home all the time is absolutely killing me, I can't use this life and can't go out and have fun just like evryone else. I want to kill somebody.
I swear, the first two sessions with that psychologist were cool for me because I thought she could help me get better and I though that she smiled at me to let me know that I'm a good person. I thought she was great. So I decided to make her feel special too in a letter. I think it was the next session ( the third one) she was a completely different person. Or maybe it was the fourth session. But I walked in there and I could see that she wasn't keen on helping me anymore. It was like it was her plan for that whole session and all the others to make me feel unwelcome. If that was her goal, she succeeded. And what can you guess did I do. I eventually one day walked in and said that she wasnt even interested and that the sessions weren't helping. She said that maybe I should try someone else, she didn't care at all how I felt. It was like, she didn't even care that I was upset at all. She didn't say, what can we do to improve the sessions or are you okay matthew? She didn't even comment on the fact that I thought she wasn't even interested in helping. After that session, I felt so lonely that I decided to cover up for her and make evverything my fault. I sent her a fax saying that I love her and that the fax is to make her smile and that everything's my fault. Those were pretty much my words. Can you see how desperate I was for help and for her to at least try to help.
The next day I came in and she said thatnks for the fax annd caqrried on the session trying again to ake me feel unwelcome and when I smiled at her she gave me this blank look of I don't care you are a bad person type thing.
It was so kind of me to cover up for her, and I don't know why I was such a fool, how stupid could I be.
She knew that I was lonely and needed help, so what did I do to deserve this?? I feel like I am a terrible person and must be worse than rapists or murderers because she will at least show them reespect but not me because I am a bad person. The worst thing was when I was in the waiting room and she walked out with another client she was finished with and was all smiles and laughs with the person and then she saw me waiting and rapidly changed her facial expression to a look of unhappiness. She did all these things on puurpose and I don't understand why. One session she just walked out of before time was up.
What do I do?? She is on leave till January and my neighbour, a psychiatric nurse spoke to her psychologist friends and said that I should send a complaint to counsel because she should never have taken on a case like me if she was just about to go on leave because of her pregnancy. As a person who needed to feel like I was special, never before have I ever felt so smacked in the face in my life, the complete disregard and hurtful manner innthe way she treated me has left me scarred.
I have been battling to get to sleep and cry sometimes thinking about it. I want to just walk in on her doing her sessions and stab her in the throat. I want to watch the blood rush over my hands and let her know howit feels. I won't kill her obviousd\ly, we all have sometimes wished that sometimes that someone we really don't like would just die. I can't get over how I was treated and it is just killing me. She couldn't care less if I commited suicide or not. I want to make sure that she never has the opportunity of ever treating someone in need like that again. I wonder how many people she just decides to reject? How do I complain to this medical counsel, I think I really should. If she thinks it's funny to sue you for having your thoughts on how she feels, then I will make sure that she can't be a fraud to anyone else ever again.
I have had a psychologist that was late up to an hour late for sessions, but I always waited and enjoyed her sessions because she was always thoughful and helpful and actually tried to help and had a big heart. This latest psychologist didn't even try on purpose.
You probably think I'm overboard, but when a is as lonely and frustrated as I am do I really need to be treated like dirt after paying someone a fortune in money.
I want to put her out of nusiness for good. I learn my lessons in my life and I will teach her a lesson.
Call it payback, call it proper grounds, what goes around, always comes around, always come around.
Please give me your pure, honest thoughts. Thank you ever so much for your dedicated help to me and others on the board it's cool helping people.
Ciao for now.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Matthew,
yes, this might be a social phobia / social anxiety disorder. And I'm sure you could be greatly helped by counselling and possibly some caefully selected medication, as well. You sound indeed like a nice, caring and intelligent guy --- maybe a bit too self-effacing in company, not letting people discover what's nice about you.
Sadly, it sounds as if you started off with the wrong therapist, who certainly should have told you she was shortly to depart for her pregnancy. And maybe you unwittingly complicated things by trying too hard to get her to like you, and that fax --- shrinks ought to be experienced enough to recognize what you were actually doing, but they can get awfully uncomfortable if they think you're developing a crush on them and they're not sure of how to deal with it --- but then she should ahve explained pleasantly and referred you to a different, maybe a male shrink.
And do understand that you ARE special --- not because someone lse, shrink or not, says so or thinks so, but just because you ARE. We are all special. I don't think it would be helpful to take this complaint to the medical council --- such cases take forever, cost a mint, and rarely end up satisfactorily, especially when the issue is not clearcut enopugh to be easily won. And she probably has incurance to pay all her own expenses. I understand that you feel angry and hurt, but such a case would pobably increase your abnger and your hurt, and would almost certainly NOT put her out of business, as you seem to want.
No, seek out a different therapist, maybe try a male one this time, and continue your work in progress. And expect the therapist to be chappenging and helpful, but don't expect them to be loving or loved ( that's not their function ) and don't look to them or anyone else to affirm your specialness --- just accept that you are.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/10

Hi Matthew,

Yes, CS has said it all. I know the feeling of analysing your thoughts so much so that by the time you think you should be joining in the conversation, the "moment" has passed so you just keep quite.
You don't have to try so hard to satisfy others. As you say, you are important, so why do you feel the need to always appreciate? Note, I said always appreciate. See, sometimes people may say things you are entitled to disagree with. It is your right!!! Just like it is their right to say what they want.
Often, always just agreeing with people makes it seem like you're a "ja-boer"... hope you understand this as I cannot think of a better description than the afrikaans one. I'm of the opinion that nobody really likes anyone that just agrees with anything.
Yes I do agree that that shrink may have handled you incorrectly, but I also feel it's not wise that you harbour so much hatred towards her. After all, basically she is also just a person. If you needed to get it all out, then so be it, but don't hang onto it for too long. Realise what is within your control, & if it's not, let it go...
Get upset if you must. Be annoyed if you must. Smile if you must. Be happy if you must. Express YOUR opinion if you must. But please just do all these things with sincerity. If there is something that is easily expressed by body-language, it's when you are being sincere. It is very difficult to tell someone face to face that you are happy, or ok, when you have a huge frown on your face...

Now, I don't want you to thank me for anything, whether I deserve it or not. I want you to really speak your mind... Social phobia is quite a confusing condition, but that's all it is, a condition, & YOU CAN GET THRU' IT!!! I should know, I have it too.

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: G | 2004/11/10

Matthew, Cs has said it , try and let others discover you and not you tell them how much you care and want to make them happy make your self happy give yourself the chance to experience natural happenings , you are scaring a lot of people away by taking the bull by the horns let things flow use the natural energy of life to drive yourself don’t push for things to happen or want to liked by all , that is impossible we cannot make all people like us, as much as you would like too, try do a course on motivation and self esteem, to give you some tools to guide you there are numerous courses out there or read a book or two on the subject.

Reply to G
Posted by: Matthew | 2004/11/09

Totally awesome!!
It's interesting, people can really hurt another person so much that the receiver can start to believe they are a bad person. We all have problems and I really felt privelidged (spelling) to be in therapy. I am not a bad person for needing love and to ask for help. If anything I am brave. My problem is a very hard one to explain and it is understood by so few. The ones that do have it are silent and are sitting in their houses in sadness all on their own.
Did you know that compared to the other doctors on here you are the most responsive and helpful?? I'll never be alone, neither will the others. I look at the large amounts of people writing in and I always know that you can and always give your best no matter what. You could be playing squash instead, but it's all for us and your passion.
Please don't stop, we really appreciate what you do!
We are all very special indeed, some of us show it more than we expected. :)

Reply to Matthew

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