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Posted by: phellicia | 2004/12/14

Re: love life after having a baby

thanks for the kind words, i intend to make use of them

my pregnancy was unplanned, but my baby should come first. remember that babies do not ask to be conceived, so we have to give them the best care available.

the babys father keeps on repeating the same mistakes over and over again. this has to do with his finances. he does not pay his bills properly and keeps taking more loans that he cant afford. furniture stores, clothing storres and microlenders were always send him summons and now hes blacklisted.

2 years ago he resigned to start his own business but its not doing will because of he only gives me R100 everymonth. however, i am grateful because im working and my small salary is helping me alot.

he lost his job because of mismanagement of funds. and now he runs his small business. i asked him to apply for jobs, several times, but he refused and says is not interested.

each year, i would forgive him and he also promised that he will improve his finances. but he does it again.

we dont stay together, he lives with his parents and i live in a flat with the baby. he visits us every 2nd week. we share the same postal box. on the 23 november 2004 i found a his letter on the post box and i immediately called him. he responded and asked me to read the letter to him over the fone. i could not believe it...... it was a letter from land bank notifying him that he was handed to lawyers for not paying his loan of R1000 and it stated that he must contact the lawyer before 6 dec 04 to make arrangements or otherwise he will be blacklisted.

i advised him to contact them and gave him money to call them. he came to see us yesterday and i asked him for the feedback on contacting the lawyer. he said he forgot about it, can u believe this...i was very disappointed.

he told me that he loves me and the baby and wants to spend his life with us. i was willing to marry him for the babys sake. even if it means i will be paying for all the expenses. but now im not sure anymore.

last year i paid his loan of R4500 and i was sure that there will be no more money problems.

yesterday, we sat down and talked for a long time and i begged him that we should go for relationship counselling. he refused and says he does not have a problem. for how long should i put up with this behavior?

the new guy that i met is truely something, hes financially stable, mature, great personality and spiritually mature. im really impressed, but i dont want to rush into anytthing with him.

i sometimes feel sad and empty inside. please advise



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Our expert says:
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It does sound as if this guy really canot manage finances, so he's highly unlikely to ever succeed at running his own business. It's so important for us to be able to recognize our limitations and plan round them --- he might be fine working in someone else's company in which he did not handle finances ( and if he had someone reliable to help to run his private finances, so he'd stop buying what he can't afford. Not learning from one's mistakes, and repeatedly making the same mistakes, is a sign of a real lack of wisdom.
I don't see how it would be wise, for you, him, or the baby, to marry him, before he finishes growing up, and that could take years. However often you pay off his debts and loans, he only goes out and creates new debts and borrows more money. It might be a good thing for him to be blacklisted and lose all credit. Then he will have to work harder, and SAVE money, and only buy what he can already afford.
If in the situation you describe, he really deludes himself into thinking that he doesn';t have a problem, then he has a really large and serious problem, and one which it is impossible for anyone to help him with, until he recognizes his problems and that he needs help.
Of course it's sad when you see someone yo0u care about continuing to act so foolishly and self-destructively, but he has to solve all that on his own, you can't do it for him.
Take it calmly with the new guy, but he sounds far more like the sort of many you deserve, doesn't he ?
have a great Christmas, anyway !

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Our users say:
Posted by: snowy | 2004/12/14

Good for you - things will work out and have a wonderful christmas season :)

Reply to snowy
Posted by: phellicia | 2004/12/14

thanks for your kind words snowy, u are a real sister

i wont rush into anything with the new guy, since i want to work on my current problems with the babys father.

during this holiday season i will relax and think hard about the way forward and im willing to give the babys father some time to work on his problems. im only doing this because theres a baby involved

in the meantime im looking for a better job, which pays much better.
im willing to take it one step at a time and i know that its not going to be easy.

Reply to phellicia
Posted by: snowy | 2004/12/14

Gosh that is something...Sounds like the father isnt mature at all and keeps falling into the same traps and unless he sorts hhimself out get a proper job you and baby are going to suffer bec of his lazyiness and slackness...

Stay friends with this new guys and be open with him saying its difficult for you but dificult as you dont want to lose him...
He could be the one that you end up with...? only time can tell

Let christmas be and start enxt year with some new decisions and all , think about where you are going in life and where the father fits or doesnt fit in...if hes not willing to support you 2 and be responsible then thats his problem - you should be the one bailing him out the whole time otherswise he will alwys run to you!!! From next year he MUST get his own mail address so that you are not tied to him (after all you arent married) Dont marry him just for baby sake - it may make both you and babys life very tough!!!

So sart making lists and decisions as the new year comes - he nees to start fitting into your life....

Reply to snowy

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