Posted by: T | 2009/02/23

RE: Emotional abuse

RE: Post 1288
I was also in what I know was an emotionally abusive relationship. I' m finally out &  was ecstatic at finally getting the strength to leave and stay away. Still I missed him after everything I' d been through, but managed not to give in for a few months to date. I' m not really hurting anymore, but I do still think about him &  disappointed as to why he couldn' t see and do things differently. We have a child &  on the very rare occasions that we have contact, he can be so horrible and then I remember why I left in the first place. When the missing was really bad, I actually came short of calling my friends who' d been with me through it all over the years, to ask them to PLEASE remind me what he' d done to me &  why I eventually left - and those are only the things that I told them about, not all the other gory stories.
It' s really amazing, even to myself as to why, like in Peter' s case (1288), people do tend to pine for the abusers after leaving. But I' ve concluded that it' s not really love, it' s lust and pure habit of having the person around. &  I think it' s true that one/ " the victim"  gets some pleasure from thinking about the many abusive scenarios that the person has put them through.
CS, these people (abusers) make themselves out to be so wonderful and special, &  they make you think there' s something really wrong with you for the relationship not to be working and they make out past relationships to have been so wonderful, that you wind up thinking: he seems to have such a lot of respect for some of his exes, they must have commanded better respect from him, which means that there must be something too wrong with me to persuade him to give me that kind of respect. But then again I think to myself, if these women were so wonderful, why didn' t it work? But at the same time, there' s still that nagging feeling that he' s the way he is with you because there' s something wrong with you.
CS, what I' d like to know is: The abusers are so damn good in what they do to an extent that you keep going back for more  is the abuse (emotional, physical or otherwise) itself an art that they' ve perfected in previous relationships or does it ever start &  become very effective all at once in a single relationship? They' re so good, it must require years of practice! If it happens in only one, say current, relationship  what could possibly trigger it?
Sorry for the long post, I' d just like a deeper, more objective understanding of this.

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Our expert says:
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I continue to be intrigued by what it is that women who have had the courage to leave, still miss about their abuser --- is it the occasional, probably primarily manipulative, nice times ? Or is it a reluctance to face the fact that the nice guy they thought he was, and then dreamed he might become, never was and never will be ? That seems to be what you are describing.
I suspect a system such as you have considered, of calling friends who will remind you why you left, could be sound --- something like AA, in which you can call a sponsor when you are tempted to drink again.
Yes, abusers like to blame you for THEIR ations and choices. And maybe he now respects you more for leavin, and for staying left.
As got your last question, I don't think there is a single universal answer to it.

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Our users say:
Posted by: T | 2009/02/23

Thanks CS, and everyone for responding. " What a B" , that' s very insightful &  makes a lot of practical sense. " Not worth it" , i' m glad to hear that you' ve overcome. I also know now that no man - dead or alive - deserves to have that kind of twisted power over me.

Reply to T
Posted by: Not worth it | 2009/02/23

Myself have been in a controlling and abusive relationship..
They slowly start taking over your life and your thinking. They very dangerous ppl to have in ones life as the emotional vampires..
My ex spied on everything i did. When a man speaks to the woman in his life with profanity and vulgarity.. then its time to kick his arse to the curb.. Trust me its not worth the pain and trauma of having someone like that in ones life.. And it goes vica versa..
Why do we always think we can not do better than what we have? Its sad but its true.. Today i' m single and very happy on my own and my friends.. I' m my own boss. No man will ever control me again as my ex did. Never!

Reply to Not worth it
Posted by: What a bitch | 2009/02/23

Hi T. I also responded to Peter' s problem and have a lot of sympathy for you guys if thats any consolation. The abusers are in fact very stuffed up people mentally. They lack a huge portion of what makes up a " normal"  persons character. I don' t think they are at all well practised in the art of abuse, it comes naturally as a defence for their own serious lack of self respect for themselves and others and their huge inferiority complex. I' ll bet your " hero"  had and still has an inferiority complex of note. When they abuse you and they see that you are hurting, that gives them power over you and they enjoy that, rubbing your face in it and twisting the blade. For some reason,you the abusee, if I can use that term, seem to enjoy being abused. It sounds crazy and it is, but its a fact as you and Pete have experienced. Why ? Hopefully CS will respond.
What you have to do is to see the abusers for the rotten bastards they are, weak, inferior sick people who never deserved any emotion from you, let alone love. You know what you mean by love, would you abuse anyone you loved ? No ! So, understand this, using that logic, they did not love you. Its hard to realise that but its true. You could never and will never get them to love you, so why beat yourself up about them. See them for what they are and do not empower them any more. Cut them out. In your case its difficult as there is a child involved, but at least have nothing to do with him as far as possi ble. You must never see yourself as a sad sack victim. You guys are the strong ones, believe in yourself. Each time you go into Sad Sack mode, you empower them and disrespect yourself and those around you that love and support you. Good luck girl.

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